(I’m in the hospital and I have to call everyone. My phone is ringing off the hook asking for updates, and it’s overwhelming. I call the next person on the list.)
Aunt: “I hope you feel better, dear.”
Me: “Thanks…I’ll update you when I can.”
Aunt: “Oh, don’t worry about that, dear. You just focus on getting through this. I won’t pester you. If I need to know something, I’ll call your mother. Okay?”
Me: “You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you.”
(She’s always been my favorite aunt.)

(This happened when we were really young. My younger brother was practicing a magic trick all day. I forget the specifics, but it involved making a card look like it was floating using a thin string. He finally gets the trick down pat, and goes to show it off to our dad.)

Dad: Oh, were you using string?

(My brother stops mid-trick and just stares.)

Dad: Ha! You can’t fool me!

(My brother stopped doing magic tricks after that.)

(In my household, it is common practice to crack on/roast each other. It is also common practice for anyone over 17-we’re a family of 7-to swear when we can’t find a good enough comeback. My mother has become a favorite target, as she has many moments where she has been gullible. On this particular day, my mom is looking for a lid. It is in the cupboard right above her, but I stay silent for a moment, thinking that she will figure that out. About 2 minutes later, it’s obvious that she isn’t going to find the lid without help)
Me: “Mom, it’s right above you.”
Mom: *gets the lid, then proceeds to look all sneaky like a child stealing candy*
Me: “It’s okay to be stupid, mom. It’s also okay to be ashamed of it.”
Mom: *laughing* “F**k you.”

I (teenage girl) work at a somewhat expensive dessert/food place. My boss, (older man) was our delivery driver on this day, I was alone at the store. The phone rang and i answered it.
me: hi! Thank you for calling how can I help you?
customer: YEAH YOU DON’T NEED TO BE WAVING AT ME WHEN I’M JUST TRYING TO MERGE.
me: …. excuse me?
customer: wow you sound really unintelligent. I want to speak to the manager
me: she’s not here
customer: YEAH WELL I SAW YOUR VAN!! I WAS JUST TRYING TO MERGE LANES AND YOU WERE WAVING AT ME
me: I’ll… I’ll tell my boss when he gets back?
customer: MHM yeah you better.

turns out the lady who called cut him off in traffic and he “flipped her off and called her a b****”. I just don’t understand how she got mad at an older man driving, and then called the store to yell at a teenage girl who had nothing to do with the situation, and called me stupid for not knowing what she was talking about.

My husband related this story to me, he had gone away for the weekend with his friends and were having dinner at a club about three hours from home. All the friends are in their fifties.

Friend one “OMG (husband) a gorgeous young blonde was just checking you out”

Husband *thinking his friend was joking “Yeah, right”

Friend one “ No really, she walked past you, did a double take and kept staring back at you as she walked away.”

Husband *still thinking his friend was joking “Well, what can I say? I must still have it then” *looks behind him “So where is this mystical woman then?”

Friend one “She went through to another room”

They all start laughing and chatting for a few moments.

Friend one “uh oh, I think you’re in trouble, she’s just pointed you out to a guy who’s covered in tattoos”

Friend two “Did you say something to her? They’re coming over”

Husband “I haven’t spoken to any one” *at this stage he had gotten worried about turning around

Friend three “Don’t worry we’ve got your back, though he looks like he could take all of us out”

He turns to look at the approaching couple

Husband “No, it’s alright, I’ve got this, just stand back watch how it’s done. I’ll take care of him and get a kiss from the girl too.” *all of his friends laugh nervously, he waits for them to get to the table before standing up

Tattooed man “OMG (Uncle) what are you doing here?” *they both give him a hug and he gets a kiss on the cheek by his nephew’s wife. They chat for a while before parting ways.

Friend two “way to give us a heart attack! I was worried about what we were going to tell (my name)”