The café I work at does a lot of cakes, scones etc to serve for cream and afternoon teas. A large family comes in and starts ordering the (clearly labelled) cakes.

Customer: What are your scones for the cream tea?

Me: We do sultana or cherry and walnut.

Customer pauses, then says: I see. And what’s the difference between them?

I honestly don’t know how I kept a straight face whilst explaining that the sultana ones contained sultanas and the cherry and walnut contained cherries and walnuts…

(I was assigned a group project about human anatomy, more specifically, the digestive system. One of the members was gone the first day, which was fine, the next day however, pissed me off!)

Me: *thinking* why the hell am I doing the entire project?! I understand someone was gone, but what the hell?!

Teammate#1: holy shit, ( my name)! You’re really smart!

Me: no shit! Why don’t you guys help me?

Teammate#1: nah, I’m too stupid!

Me: okay then, teammate#2! You’ll help teammate#1 with the citations!

Teammate#2: *groans loudly* bbbuuuuttt wwwwhhhhhhyyyy????

Me: *in a threatening tone* I will not be the only person to work on this GODDAMN project, now get off your lazy ASS and help me. Do you fucking understand?

(Luckily they got the work done!)

(In the checkout, the bagger and the cashier are in the middle of a story which involves much teasing and joking. It doesn’t really catch my attention until the cashier teasingly warns the bagger: “My cousin is the sheriff.”)

I literally had to bite my lip to keep from saying, “Don’t worry; my cousin is the mayor and he can take care of it.”

I drove home with bloody lip, but still giggling.

(Long time ago, I tried to become a history teacher. During one of my lessons as an intern, the topic becomes the different religions in 17th century Western Europe.)

Student: ‘What kind of religion do you have? Are you christian, atheist…?’

Me: ‘What has my private life got to do with the lesson?’

(I got a compliment from my supervisor for that reply.)

(I end up going to meet some friends for dinner directly after work, so I’m still in my work clothes, which includes a T-shirt that reads “Keep Calm and Ask a Librarian.” During dinner I get up to go find the restaurant’s restrooms, but since they’re not clearly marked I end up asking the manager.)

Me: “Excuse me, where are your restrooms?”

Manager: “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

Me: “Uh…”

Manager: “Your shirt says to ask you.”

(I caught on at that moment, and thankfully we had a good laugh and he pointed the restrooms out to me.)