(I work in customer service for a furniture store. As I’m going through the inventory we have on hold, I notice one customer’s coffee table has been available for pick up for a few weeks. From the order notes, I can see that my coworkers have tried calling her multiple times and left voice messages. Since we’ve had no response from her, I decide to send an email as a reminder:)

Me: Just in case you missed our voice messages, we wanted to let you know that your coffee table is in stock and ready for pick up.

Customer: I did not receive any voicemail. In the last correspondence I had with the company, I was told that the table would be in within one business week. That was over a month ago. The customer service I have received is completely unacceptable. I will not be doing any more business with your company in the future.

Me: You have our sincerest apologies that we have not been able to get in touch with you until now. Your coffee table did arrive at our store several weeks ago, and we have made multiple attempts to call and were sent to voicemail. Please be assured that your coffee table is here now and ready for pick up at your convenience.

(Two weeks later, I see that she still hasn’t come by the store. At this point, I just want the table out of our customer pick up area, so I email her another reminder:)

Me: Hi there, this is just a friendly reminder that your coffee table is still here for you.

Customer: I sent an email a while ago, when it was available for pick up over a month after I was told it would be, that I am no longer interested in the product.

(I shrug and have the coffee table put back to stock. The funny thing is, it was a replacement for the original one that she purchased, at no additional cost to her. I guess she was fine with the damages on her coffee table after all)

(I’m in the drive-thru with my grandfather. We don’t really get along very well. After having to listen to my grandpa curse and honk the horn over the infinitesimally short line in front of us, we pull up to the speaker. The wait was only a little over a minute.)

Employee: “Thanks for choosing [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Grandpa: “Yeah, how much are your Chick-fil-As?”

Me: *giggling to myself* “Chick-fil-As?”

Grandpa: *extremely sharp whisper* “Shut up, you little piece of s***! I’m trying to order!”

Employee: “Uh, excuse me…?”

Grandpa: *normally, into speaker* “How much are your Chick-fil-As?”

(I can’t help but snicker again, in turn receiving a death glare from my grandpa.)

Employee: *perplexed* “Sir… this is [Restaurant].”

Grandpa: “Well, why do you have that f***ing sign out in front, then?!”

Employee: “Sir, that sign is for our two-for-one deal on fish fillet sandwiches.”

(I finally realize what my grandfather was trying to say and cringe at his stupidity.)

Grandpa: “Well… gimme that!”

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, but that deal expired about a week ago. Would you like something else?”

Grandpa: “Yeah, I’ll have, uh, four chicken sandwiches.”

Me: *whispering to him* “Two with no mayo—”

Grandpa: “[Name]! Don’t make me slap you!”

Employee: “Sir, could you repeat your order? I couldn’t quite hear you.”

Grandpa: *shoves face into speaker* “Four chicken sandwiches, two with no mayonnaise!”

Employee: “Could you pull up to the window so I can hear you, please? I think our speaker’s broken.”

(Grandpa steps on the gas in annoyance and jerks the car around the corner toward the window.)

Grandpa: “Stupid workers. They’re so d**n stupid! Too lazy to replace anything on time, everything’s broken, they probably ain’t got no management…”

(He continues his tirade until we reach the window.)

Employee: “Okay, so I think you said two regular chicken sandwiches, and two without mayo?”

Grandpa: *nearly shouting* “No! I said four chicken sandwiches, two with no mayo!”

(The employee shakes his head. After we get our food and leave, I notice the fine print on our receipt.)

Me: “Hey, it says if I go to this website and write a code from it on the receipt, I can get a free milkshake!”

Grandpa: “How dumb are you? It’s probably some scam to cheat you out of your money. Throw it away! And how many times have I told you not to distract me while I’m f***ing driving?!”

(Soon afterwards, his cell phone rings. Ironically, he has no issue with pulling it out and answering it, nearly veering off the road in the process.)

We offer free wifi at our public library and have taken to changing the password monthly. This is the conversation that took place, word-for-word, with one of our patrons:
Patron walks in and checks the sign at the front desk to see what the WIFI password is for the day
PATRON: Manifesto! Where do you get these words from?!?
ME: Well, we use a password generator…but it’s kind of cool isn’t it? You can learn a new word every day
PATRON: I know what Manifesto means! I don’t need you guys to teach me English! I know how to speak English, okay?

Then the patron turns to the person he is standing with and says ‘A manifesto is like a huge event, a big grand event like a music festival or the Olympics. The winter Olympics were a manifesto. And then he turned and walked away,

I have a side business transcribing recordings, such as interviews. A prospective client emailed me for quote, and our exchange went as follows:

Me: For the work you need, the fee would be [$amount] per recorded minute.

PC: What if it takes you three times as long to type it? Why should I pay more if you are slow.

Me: The fee is based on the length of the recording, not how long it takes me to transcribe it. It’s [$amount] per recorded minute.

PC: But what if it takes you an hour?

(They did understand eventually, and I did the work for them, for [$amount] per recorded minute.)

In the late 90s/early 2000s, I worked at a small-chain fast food restaurant in Toronto. This restaurant asked every customer for a name to put on the order.

One day, the Mayor of Toronto came into the restaurant for lunch. After he placed his order…

Cashier: Can I get your name, please?
Mayor: [Deadpan] You know my name.