(I am a civilian working in a Navy shipyard. The following happens as I am on the ship monitoring a system. One of the sailors who works on this system has a reputation for being a bit of a slacker.)

Slacker: “This is so much better than sitting around with no work to do.”

Other Sailor: *to me* “You taking notes?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Other Sailor: “Write it down. “At [exact time] on [date], [Slacker] finally got his head out of his a**.”

(About two minutes later, their supervisor arrives.)

Other Sailor: “Hey Chief! Guess what? [Slacker] finally got his head out of his a**!”

Chief: “WHAT?!”

Other Sailor: “Yeah, he said having work to do is better than sitting around with nothing to do.”

Chief: *runs up and pinches [Slacker]*

Slacker: “Ow!”

Chief: “Yep, you’re awake!” *turns to me and the other sailor* “So… was there, like, a popping sound when it came out?”

(We’ve just come home from a nearly year-long deployment and we’re at our homecoming, where I’m looking for my wife in the crowd. She spots me, comes running up, and jumps… on my buddy, who is next to me. In her defense, we all look the same in our uniforms.)

Wife: “Ahhhh! I can’t believe you’re home! I’ve missed you so much!”

Buddy: “Oh… I missed you, too!”

(My wife leans in to kiss my buddy.)

Me: “Whoooooa there, [Buddy]! You wanna put my wife down?”

Wife: *realizing what’s she’s done and jumps down* “OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!”

Me: “When were you gonna tell her, man?”

Buddy: “I was going to… eventually!”

(As an airman I am ‘volunteered’ to help with managing traffic and marshaling cars to their parking spots. While the traffic of cars is stalled I noticed a woman talking on her phone while driving. This was a few months after it became illegal to talk on your phone while driving in Washington. I walk up to her car to ask her to get off her phone while she parked as we already had multiple collisions that day.)

Woman: *finally off the phone* “My boyfriend just told me that I need photo ID to get into the air show!”

Me: “Ma’am, you need photo ID to be allowed to drive.”

(I am a civilian contractor at a military installation’s dining hall. Unlike some of the comfort facilities at the installation, we don’t have restrictions on who can dine here; as long as they can access the installation, they can eat. It is my turn to tear down the salad bar at the end of dinner. I have taken out all of the utensils and begun to pull the dishes, when an older man in civilian clothing comes up behind me.)

Customer: “What are you doing with the salad bar?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Did you order a salad?”

Customer: “No, I just wanted to get a few of these.” *gestures at the fruit mix at the end of the bar*

Me: “So, you did order a salad bar?”

Customer: “No, I just wanted to get a few of these.”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “Oh, you mean I have to order a salad bar to get things from the salad bar?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(I meet a guy at a club I like and we flirt for a night. A week later I run into him again on base but he seems uninterested. I am disappointed, but not extremely upset since I barely know him. I never see him again and would have forgotten about it except for the odd conversation I have with an angry girl a few months later.)

Angry Girl: “There you are! Stop trying to steal my man from me! He’s MY husband!”

Me: “That guy? I met him at the club ONCE. He didn’t even know you then.”

Angry Girl: “I know you’re trying to steal my husband! Stop lying about it!”

Me: “Seriously, I don’t want him. That was months ago.”

Angry Girl: “Just stay away from him!”

(I never did figure out why she was so fixated on the concept of me stealing a man I’d only met twice, but over the course of the next year she keeps accusing me of trying. Even after their divorce she tries picking fights with me.)

Angry Girl: “Well, I have my revenge now! How does it feel? I stole your boyfriend [Marine] from you!”

Me: “Um, I broke up with him a few weeks ago. We agreed to date other people again. He’s free to be with whomever he wants.”

Angry Girl: “No, you’re lying! I stole him!”

Me: “Whatever.”

(I’m not sure which made [Marine] more angry, though… to find out that she had gone after him to date in revenge for her imagined issues with me, or that she decided to be in a relationship because she needed someone to clean her house for her so she wouldn’t be evicted.)