(This classmate is actually one of the instructors for another class in the schoolhouse. Our computer class has become a prerequisite for his, so they have him audit the class, to see what material he can cut from his own teachings.)

Classmate: “I can’t believe what my kids tried pulling!”

Me: “What happened?”

Classmate: “The older kid showed the younger kid where to find adult material online, and then how to delete the Internet history.”

Me: “Wow. How’d you find out?”

Classmate: “Well, the younger was silly enough to leave a printout in the printer. But even then, I would have STILL found out. Deleting the history doesn’t stop me from seeing where they go online. What’s sad is that … they KNOW I do this for a living yet they still thought they knew more about computers than the old man?”

(When I got to the fleet to work with computers, I found out that he wasn’t lying. NOTHING stopped the admins from finding out where people went online, no matter how often someone tried to erase their history – or how much they lied to us about it!)

(Onboard Navy ships, it’s requirement to submit a daily ‘muster report’ to the chain of command. The report details who is present, absent, on leave, etc., so that each person is accounted for. A fellow sailor gets a visit from the division officer (divo).)

Divo: “[SAILOR]! WHY DIDN’T YOU SEND IN THE MUSTER REPORT?!”

Sailor: “Sir? I sent it in this morning right after quarters.”

Divo: “NO, YOU DIDN’T! THEY NEVER RECEIVED IT! WHY DIDN’T YOU SEND IT IN?!”

Sailor: *checks email logs* “There it is, sir. The email time/date stamp matches.”

Divo: *scowl* “Well, why didn’t you call them up to make sure they got it?”

Sailor: “…”

Divo: “Well, from now on you have to call them up after you send the email to make sure they get it.”

(So, yes, even though [Sailor] had sent the report in on time, and had never had a glitch like that before, Divo still felt it was “his fault” for it not showing up on time. And to be honest, the ship’s admins didn’t appreciate Divo’s orders either since [Sailor] indeed called them up every time he sent in the muster report, especially since we were just one division out of a hundred, at least.)

(We are underway for a ‘friends and family’ cruise (just one day underway). At the time I am working on the mess decks when I have this conversation with another sailor’s mother:)

Woman: “Oh, coffee! There’s regular and… is that decaf?”

Me: “No, ma’am… that’s Navy Brew.”

Woman: “What’s that?”

Me: “About twice as strong as regular.”

Woman: *gasps*

(Eventually they switched the setup to allow for decaf, but for that first year or so we only had regular and double-strength coffee.)

(I am walking into work one day wearing a T-shirt with Optimus Prime brandishing a gun on the front. The following happens as I cross the quarterdeck to get onto my ship.)

Officer Of The Deck: “Hey, shipmate. C’mere.”

Me: “Sir?”

Officer Of The Deck: “Shipmate, to you really think that shirt is appropriate?”

Me: “I don’t follow, sir.”

Officer Of The Deck: *condescending* “It’s got a weapon on it. Do you think that’s appropriate for a sailor to wear in public?”

Me: “Sir, it’s Optimus Prime. He wrote the book on ‘fighting for what is right.'”

Officer Of The Deck: “And you’re going to tell me that you think violence is the answer?”

Me: *looks around at the Aircraft Carrier we’re standing on* “Sir, if I didn’t believe in fighting tooth, nail, and F-18 jet fighter in what I hold dear, I would have joined the Coast Guard.”

(He scowled and let me on board. One of the security guards nearby overheard me and had to walk away so the Officer of the Deck didn’t see him laughing.)

(My boyfriend of two years is in the army, and my birthday was recently. He has given me tracking information, and I am able to figure out where the package originated from. It turns out to be a rotating power strip. I call him before bed check the day the power strip arrives.)

Me: “Thanks for the power strip! My mom was confused about it; I knew she didn’t know what to make of it.”

Boyfriend: “But it’s so useful!”

Me: “I know! I’ll probably install it in the kitchen.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, by the way: expect another package tomorrow.”

Me: “What? From you?”

Boyfriend: “Yes. The power strip was a diversion.”

Me: “You little… Can I have the tracking information?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “Can I have at least what shipping company you’re using?”

Boyfriend: “No. But it should arrive tomorrow.”

Me: “You’re lucky I love you.”

(He kept laughing, before saying bed check was soon. The next morning, I checked the mail and there was a package. It turned out that it was a “Bear Forces of America” teddy bear, complete with an army uniform. I am blessed that he remembered me speculating on how to get one from Build-a-Bear during Memorial Day weekend — which is when he left for basic!)

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