(My sister and I stop off at my grandmother’s house to drop off a birthday card from our younger cousins. One of them has just been born, and her name is inside the card. My grandmother is Chinese, and cannot speak English very well, but she can read basic English.)

Grandma: *reads card very slowly* “Happy…birthday…uhh…”

Sister: *in Chinese* “What is it?”

Grandma: *in Chinese* “What’s the new baby’s name?”

Sister: *points* “There.”

(Grandma has a shocked look.)

Me: *in Chinese* “What?”

Grandma: *in Chinese* “How, how do you pronounce this?”

Me: *in Chinese* “Sydney.”

(She doesn’t hear me. She starts spelling it out.)

Grandma: “X-O-X-O?”

(My sister’s jaw drops.)

Grandma: *in English* “How pronounce? So-So?”

Sister: *now hysterical, and speaking in Chinese* “No! XOXO means hugs and kisses!”

(Everyone is now on the floor laughing. My grandma finally recovers.)

Grandma: *in Chinese* “Oh my gosh! I was going to ask, what on earth is wrong with my grandchildren for naming their kids such a confusing name! Sydney, right? Oh my, that’s much better!”

(I have a lot of moles all over my body, quite a few of which are pronounced bumps.)

Girlfriend: *stroking my back* “You know, your back would be perfect for reading Braille.”

This story is part of our Mole Day roundup!

Read the next story in this roundup!

Read the Mole Day roundup!

(I have a very crooked nose, and it is the least favourite part of my body.)

Me: “So, hun…what’s your favourite part of me?”

Fiancé: “Probably your nose.”

Me: “Eww, my nose? Why?!”

Fiancé: “Well, it’s just so bad, but I still love you. That must mean that I really love you!”

(My boyfriend and I are cuddling on the couch watching TV. We are both zoology geeks and employees of the local zoo. He starts to tickle me, and I squeak and wriggle away under his arm.)

Boyfriend: Aww, look at you! You’re like a little snail! Except without the shell.”

Me: “So, I’m like a slug?!”

Boyfriend: “Uh…crap.”

(We laugh and go back to watching TV. After a bit he starts messing with my hair, and then stops.)

Boyfriend: “Your hair looks pretty crazy right now.”

Me: “I bet it does.”

Boyfriend: “It’s all crazy and poofy. Like a wombat!”

Me: “In the past half hour you’ve compared me to a slug and a wombat.”

Boyfriend: “Um. Maybe I should quit now. Uh. You’re a beautiful…pheasant. No, you’re the most beautiful…peahen.” *sighs* “There are no pretty female birds! They’re all just brown!”

(My boyfriend and I have just woken up. I am telling him of this romantic dream I had with him.)

Me: “…and it was just so romantic!”

Boyfriend: “I know this is gonna kill the mood, but I wanna have a dream where we’re just together and all of a sudden around us there’s a swarm of demons. We just turn around to them, whip our weapons out, and yell ‘Let’s rock!’ and kick some demon a**!”