Mom: “Honey, can you flip off that light there?”

(My dad extends his middle finger and flips off the light. The rest of us dissolve into laughter.)

Dad: “Is that not what you meant?”

(I’m having an online video chat with my long-distance boyfriend. It is a few days before Lent. I’ve been obsessed with Pokémon since I was little, something my boyfriend dislikes because he thinks it distracts me from him.)

Me: “Guess what I’m giving up for Lent.”

Boyfriend: “No idea…tell me.”

Me: “I’ll give you a hint.” *holds up a toy pokéball*

(There’s a brief pause, then I hear ‘Hallelujah’ coming from his computer. I burst out laughing in response.)

Boyfriend: “And, I’ll be blasting that at full volume through all the speakers in the house when you give it up for good.”

(I make my boyfriend a Valentine’s Day card with a long, handwritten message inside. I am very short on crafting supplies, but after hours of rummaging, I am able to put something together. He finishes reading the card.)

Boyfriend: *hugs me* “I love you, baby.”

Me: *smiling* “I love you, too.”

(He kisses me. After some time, I pull away.)

Me: “I hope it’s not a bad omen that I chopped out the red paper from a Jack the Ripper book to make your card.”

Boyfriend: *laughing* “You’re awesome.”

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(My 84-year-old Swedish grandmother, who has never lived outside of our rural area populated almost exclusively by Swedes, Norwegians, and Finns, is excited to meet my Puerto Rican boyfriend.)

Grandma: *to my boyfriend* “So, how many times have you been back to Puerto Rico?”

Boyfriend: “Never, actually. My dad sort of left in disgrace.”

Grandma: “Oh! So you’re not really Hispanic!”

Aunt: “Mom! Come with me!”

(My aunt whisks grandma away while BF and I crack up. My cousin apologises profusely and my boyfriend laughs it off gracefully. Grandma is a dead ringer for Betty White, and is equally adorable and forgivable. 20 minutes later, grandma has cornered BF in the kitchen.)

Grandma: “So, how good is your Spanish? I imagine you’re fluent.”

Boyfriend: “Well, no. It’s pretty bad, since I was too lazy to learn as a kid.”

Grandma: “Goodness! So you’re not really Latino either!”

Aunt, cousin, mom, other cousin, brother, uncle: *in unison “Grandma! That is enough!”

(To this day, we still call my boyfriend the ‘Fauxtino’.)

(I’m in high school. I’m pretty independent, so my parents rarely ever worry about me.)

Mum: “Hey, have you got all your things for school tomorrow? What are you having for
lunch?”

Me: “Why are you suddenly taking an interest in what I eat at school?”

Mum: “I’m sick of work, so I thought I’d chat with you.”

Me: “So, I’m just a distraction from work?”

(The phone rings.)

Mum: “Oh, that’ll be your grandfather. I don’t need you anymore. Bye!”