(My little brother and I are getting ready to go to school. The year is 1997.)

Brother: “Mom, I don’t want to go to school! I’ll miss my TV shows!” *cries*

Mom: “Don’t worry. I’ll ask your older sister to tape your show so you can watch it after school.” *to me* “Would you tape his show for him?”

Me: “Fine, whatever!”

Brother: “Make sure you tape it all! I want to see everything!”

(I set the VCR. Later, after school, my little brother makes a beeline for the living room, plops himself straight in front of the TV. I sigh, and then rewind and press play.)

Brother: *watching as show pops up* “Yay!”

(I go. 30 minutes later, I walk by the living room TV.)

Me: “Still watching?”

Brother: “Uh huh.” *watching show intently*

Me: “Huh, it should be over by now. It’s a half an hour show. Well, you have to go soon because I w—”

(Just then, the show freezes, plays dramatic music and the words ‘To Be Continued’ flash across the screen. Then the show ends, and my brother squeaks in horror.)

Brother: “WHAT?! THAT’S IT?!” *turns to me accusingly* “You taped it wrong!”

Me: “No, stupid. It said ‘to be continued.’ That means it was only one part! The next part is tomorrow!”

(My brother didn’t believe me and started to cry loudly. Even today, he still accuses me of taping his show wrong when I bring it up during family dinners!)

Dad: “FIRE! FIRE! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! FIRE!”

(I run inside and find that Dad had managed to light stir-fry on fire. He is just standing in front of the burning stove screaming and panicking. I run and put it out with the fire extinguisher.)

Me: “Have I just walked into a Sims game?”

(Both I and my brother are avid tea drinkers. I happened to find a neat tea ball in a shop and bought it to him as a gift.)

Brother: “What’s this?”

Me: “A tea ball.”

Brother: “Oh cool. Now I can capture British Pokémon!”

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(It’s my friend’s birthday party and she’s opening gifts. My gift is a huge tin of Christmas candy. It’s early February.)

Birthday Girl: *opening gift* “Wow. That’s a lot of candy.” *she starts pulling out bags of it and commenting on them*

Friend #1: “I’m sure [Birthday Girl] appreciates the Christmas theme.”

Me: “Yeah, well, about that. This gift was originally for a Christmas party that was canceled because someone died.”

Birthday Girl: “Geez, [My Name]! I didn’t need to know that. God, now I feel really bad. Someone had to die for me to have this.”

Friend #2: “Yeah, that gift is to die for.”

Birthday Girl: “[Friend 2]!”

Friend #1: “I would kill for that gift.”

(Birthday Girl gives Friend #1 a look.)

Friend #3: “Eating all that candy at once would be deadly.”

Friend #4: “I would die if I could have that gift.”

(Others add more puns.)

Birthday Girl: “Stop! You’re all horrible.”

(There’s a moment of lull in the conversation.)

Me: *returning from the kitchen* “That joke is dead to us now.”

Related:
Death By Chocolate, Part 3
Death By Chocolate, Part 2
Death By Chocolate

(My boyfriend is a good head taller than I am. He is gangly and with a long torso. Sometimes I just like to say silly things. Also, I’m an English major, while he’s a business major who frequently talks about efficiency.)

Me: “You know, I think you have extra ribs.”

Boyfriend: “Oh?”

Me: “Yeah. Explains how your torso is so long.”

Boyfriend: *snorts* “Okay.”

Me: “You know, with those extra ribs, you’d be a really efficient snack for a cannibal.”

Boyfriend: *gives me a look*

Me: “Yeah! Pay for x amount of ribs and get extra ribs! Decrease spending!”

Boyfriend: “You’re weird.”