(The night before my senior prom, my father calls me into the kitchen saying we need to talk. This usually means I’m in trouble, so I’m trying to wrack my brain to think of anything I’ve done and can’t come up with anything.)

Dad: “So, your prom’s tomorrow.”

(Realizing where this is probably headed, all I can do is nod.)

Dad: “And I know there are certain… traditions associated with prom. Now, I would prefer you not do anything, but I can’t stop you. So, please, whatever you do, be safe. Don’t do anything stupid. Please don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to…”

(He goes on for some length.)

Dad: “…and please, whatever you do, come home with all of your clothes.”

Me: “Do I have to have all of my clothes on when I come home?”

(I’m shocked I was allowed out of the house the next night!)

(My sister has dropped her sick kids off because they’re both too ill for school. She has to work, and my wife has the day off. My nephew is ten and quite ill, and my niece is three and feeling a bit better.)

Niece: “[Nephew] says ow a lot.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s because he’s ill.”

Niece: “I think he’s being eated by badgers.”

(I am around three years old. My younger sister, Melissa, whom we call Missy, has a poopy diaper, so I run to tell my mother in the living room, where she is currently entertaining guests.)

Me: “Mommy, Missy has a s***ty diaper!”

Mom: *embarrassed at my language* “Don’t you mean, ‘messy,’ honey?”

Me: “Okay. ‘Messy’ has a s***ty diaper!”

(My mother has told me that I would say this on multiple car rides in the same area when I am three or four years old.)

Me: *points at a house* “Mommy, someone DIED there…”

(My boyfriend and I are snuggled up in bed and talking about weird fetishes.)

Me: “I knew a guy once who had a clown fetish.”

Boyfriend: “Really? I’m trying to imagine how that would even work. Like. The make up, nose, big shoes, and everything?”

Me: “I don’t know. Clowns scare me, so I didn’t ask about the mechanics.”

Boyfriend: “I just can’t see clowns being sexy.”

Me: “Ooh, what if I dressed up like Harley Quinn? Would you want to have sexy clown sex then?”

Boyfriend: “I’d totally be down for that!”

Me: “But you’d have to dress like the Joker.”

Boyfriend: “I’m okay with that.”

Me: “Yay! I’m so glad I found someone I can have kinky nerd sex with!”