(It’s April Fools’ Day. I’m seven years old.)

Me: “Mummy, Mummy, I made up a joke! What kind of chicken doesn’t lay eggs?”

Mum: “I don’t know, darling. What kind?”

Me: *in a creepy voice* “A dead one.”

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(I have just posted several Wikipedia and newspaper articles on Facebook explaining my family’s strange toes and phobias. We also have a genetic defect affecting our eye color.)

Mom: “So, you got dad’s defective toes, and my phobias, and the defective eye color thing. I’m not sure you kids will be able live a normal life knowing that everything you thought was endearing about you is instead a genetic defect.”

(Several years ago, I was ice skating with Friend #1 during Thanksgiving break. I had difficulties moving, and I needed Friend #1 to give me a push. I ended up tripping from the push and breaking my left arm in three places. Ever since then, Friend #1 has jokingly bragged about breaking my arm to near everyone he meets or otherwise knows. Fast forward several years later to our 2012 summer break, where I, Friend #1, and four other friends are setting up a game of Warhammer 40,000 on the upper level of my family’s outdoor deck.)

Friend #2: “All right. So, bathroom break, then we start this?”

Friend #4: “This is how we start the summer, like total nerds.”

Friend #3: “Oh, come on. This is fun.”

Friend #1: *speaks up suddenly* “So, speaking of fun, wanna know something fun to do here at [My Name]’s house?”

(I am about to ask Friend #1 what he means, but before I could ask or anyone could answer, he immediately bounds down the deck’s steps towards a built-in bench. I realize he is about to jump off the flat railing of the bench onto the hill behind it, and don’t say a word since we’ve safely done it before. Friend #1, however, jumped off of the bench ITSELF instead of the flat railing BEHIND it, leading him to land face-first into the hill.)

Me: *chuckling* “Yo, [Friend #1], you okay?”

(My other friends are mixed between asking if he’s all right and laughing as well, although after we get him, he complains about being sore. Around ten to fifteen minutes later, my mom comes home and finds Friend #1 still moping about his arms. After she took him home, his mother ended up taking him to the doctor’s office. Apparently, he had managed to break BOTH of his arms, with a total of three fractures, just like I had. After a day or two, I visit him at his house, where both his arms are in casts.)

Me: “Dude, that sucks.”

Friend #1: *laughs* “Those meds are awesooomeee…”

Me: “Huh?”

Friend #1’s Mother: “They gave him morphine for the procedure or some other drug. He’s still getting over it. This is kinda a reversal of what happened to you a couple years back, huh, [My Name]?”

Me: “Wait, you’re right! I broke my arm the day before Thanksgiving; he did it just as summer break started!”

Friend #1’s Mother: *smirking* “You even have the same number of fractures! Ha!”

Me: “Karma, you took a long time getting here, but thank you!”

Friend #1: “Aw, screw you, man…”

(My boyfriend’s mother likes to keep the house quite cold. However, I get cold very easily. My boyfriend and I are watching TV on the couch.  I am wrapped in a furry brown blanket to keep warm and have it pulled up to my chin.)

Boyfriend: “You’re so cute. You’re like a sausage that’s been left out of the fridge for months. You’re all furry.”

(I have recently been growing a beard which just happens to make me resemble a famous actor.)

Wife: “I really need to remember the name of that actor.”

Me: “How come?”

Wife: “So I know who to fantasize about next time we have sex.”

Me: “You’re so sweet, dear.”