I work in the produce department, chopping fruit for takeout fruit portions and keeping the fruit displays stocked and looking neat.

Customer: “You! Pick me out your freshest watermelon.”

Me: “Sure thing, ma’am, what size are you looking for?”

Customer: “Are you deaf? I said your freshest.”

I go digging for the perfect watermelon, and I am pretty sure I find it.

Customer: “Are you joking? It has some dirt on it!”

Me: “After washing it at home, it’ll be fine.”

Customer: “No.”

I look for another one. Repeat this process four times. She goes to my manager and complains.

Customer: “He sucks at picking fruit! I don’t know why you hired someone so incompetent!”

I back off and watch as my manager picks the first watermelon I picked up and hands it to her.

Customer: “Finally! You should teach him a thing or two!”

Customer: “Your lettuce is covered with dirt!”

I check the lettuce, and some has a little dirt on it.

Me: “That’s normal. You have to wash it first. That’s how you know it’s from the farm soil and wasn’t created in a factory.” 

Customer: “That’s gross! I don’t want it from the dirt! I want it from a factory!”

A customer is buying some milk.

Customer: “If I keep this long enough, will it become cheese?”

Me: “You’re asking if this milk will become cheese?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Uh, no. It’ll just go bad.”

Customer: “I see. So, I have one I bought earlier and I kept it in the cupboard. I should just throw that away, huh?”

Me: “How long has it been in your cupboard?”

Customer: “Couple of years.”

Me: “Yeah… I’d throw that away, sir.”

Customer: “Sad. I saw it getting lumpy and thought it was finally becoming cheese.”

He walked away sadly, and I tried to remove the mental image from my mind.

Customer: “This coho salmon is pretty cheap.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s a good price.”

Customer: “That’s because coho salmon is salmon bred with eels.”

Me: “Um… no, ma’am. It’s… uh… a type of salmon.”

Customer: “Nope. I heard a podcast!”

A guy calls our deli and orders five Philly cheesesteaks over the phone; he wants them done ASAP. I’m in charge of making them, and he comes in right after he orders, while I’m in the middle of making the first two sandwiches. He watches me like a hawk for no reason.

Our cheesesteaks normally come with mushrooms, peppers, and onions chopped up and mixed with the beef. This guy stops me.

Customer: “You’re not supposed to chop the mushrooms! I want them just the as they were in the sub.”

Me: “Those were pre-sliced mushrooms. I can fix that. The only reason I do it this way is it’s just how the rest of the staff and I were trained to do it.”

Customer: *Very rudely* “You were trained wrong!”

The dude was a jerk to me the whole time. He even made me throw away the first two sandwiches after a fly landed on one of them — which I immediately shooed away — and made me remake them.