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The True Cost Of Space…ing Out

, , , | Right | December 9, 2021

As a young boy, I daydream a lot and lose track of what I am doing. One day, my gran sends me to a local deli to pick her up a roast ham, and apparently, I am a little extra spacey that day.

The shop is organised so that you order your meats at the back of the shop but pay at the front. I order the ham, look at some of the magazines and other produce, and then start to daydream. I walk out of the shop, still on a completely different planet, and am surprised by a hand gripping my shoulder a few moments later.

Cashier: “HEY! What do you think you’re doing?”

Me: *Genuinely confused* “What do you mean? I’m just taking this to my Gran.”

Cashier: “You haven’t paid for it!”

Yup, I had been so lost in my thoughts that I forgot I hadn’t paid for the ham and just wandered out the door next to the cashier!

Me: *Now in a complete panic* “Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry! I forgot that I didn’t pay the butcher for it. I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to steal it. Can I come in and pay for it now, please?”

The cashier eyed me suspiciously for a moment but must either have decided to give me the benefit of the doubt or that it was just less hassle to let me pay for it. Either way, I was taken back inside and allowed to pay for it before being sent on my way with a story to tell my Gran.

Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 7

, , , | Right | December 1, 2021

Customer: “Is there gluten in these crab cakes?”

Me: “It doesn’t say, ‘gluten-free,’ so it’s likely.”

Customer: “Trying to eat gluten-free is really hard.”

Me: “Yeah, my mom had issues with gluten and she says the same thing.”

Customer: “You know, if she had issues with gluten, then you probably have issues with gluten, too.”

Me: “Um… yeah. It’s probably coming.”

Customer: “You already have it!? That’s where this—” *pointing at my stomach and indicating the size* “—comes from.”

Me: “So, anything else I can help you with?”

Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 6
Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought Part 5
Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought Part 4
Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought Part 3
Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought Part 2

Actually Has No Beef With You Working Thanksgiving

, , , | Right | November 25, 2021

Customer: “This is bulls***!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “They make you work on Thanksgiving! You got family in town?”

Me: “I do.”

Customer: “That’s f***** up. You should be there! Corporations have too much power. They shouldn’t get in between you and your family.”

Me: “Thanks, but it’s not that bad. I get off around two and then I get to go to my family’s place.”

Customer: “F***** up, man.”

We stand in silence for a few seconds.

Me: “Um… anything else?”

Customer: “Yeah. Can I get half a pound of beef?”

You’ll Also Be Green If You Eat That

, , , | Right | November 19, 2021

A customer comes to the meat counter and orders a top sirloin fillet.

Me: “Here’s your steak!”

Customer: “Great. I’ve been leaving this in my refrigerator for two or three weeks. It gets green and slimy. That’s dry-aging, right?”

Me: “Uh… no. To dry-age something, you need to control the humidity. That’s hard to do in a refrigerator.”

Customer: “So if it wasn’t dry-aging, what was it doing?”

Me: “Um… decomposing?”

Really Hamming Up Those Superstitions

, , , , , | Right | November 17, 2021

Our premium brand of ham is on sale this week. A lady wearing a large cross necklace approaches my counter.

Customer: “Can I have two-thirds of a pound of the [Premium Brand] ham, please?”

Me: “Two-thirds of [Premium Brand] ham? Coming right up.”

I slice the meat and put it on the scale. Much to my satisfaction, the quantity it displays is exactly .66 lbs and the price is $6.66. The customer, on the other hand, is staring horrified at it.

Customer: “Um… how many slices was that?

I put the meat in a bag and start to hand it to her.

Me: “Thirteen.”

Customer: “And… you’re handing it to me with your left hand?”

Me: “Is there a problem?”

She closes her eyes, raises her hand, and counts to three on her fingers, silently mouthing the numbers as she does so.

Me: “Ma’am? Is there a problem?”


Her eyes snapped open wide and she screamed at the top of her lungs. She literally ripped the cross necklace off her neck and waved it frantically at me, then turned and went barrelling out the front door of the store at full speed.