Unfiltered Story #136313

, , | Unfiltered | January 9, 2019

Working in a deli partment.
Customer: I want some hot dogs.
Me: Sure, how many?
Customer: *after thinking for a while* A quantity
Me: …. can you please be a bit more specific?

Unfiltered Story #135466

, , | Unfiltered | January 6, 2019

(I work in the deli which obviously sells perishable foods. A batch of potato salad we have prepared is reaching its use by date, so the price of the salad has decreased drastically to $1 for a large tub.)

Me: Hi, how can I help you today?

Customer: Give me a small tub of your potato salad.

Me: Our potato salad is currently on sale. Would you like a large for a dollar instead?

Customer: Sure, why not?

(I proceed to fill a large tub with potato salad. As there was only a little bit left, I scrape the salad bowl clean, trying to put the most I can into the tub. The tub is almost full and is only a few centimeters off from the brim)

Customer: (angrily) The f*** i that? The tub is not even full!

Me: I’m sorry sir, but that all we’ve got

Customer: Seriously? You’re just asking for your head to get kicked in mate

(I was very shocked as I was somewhat threatened and did not know how to react to the customers rudeness)

Me: Sir, the potato salad has already been marked down to a dollar. You’re essentially getting a large at the cost of a small tub.

Customer: Now that’s f*****g b*****t ain’t it? I am paying for a large so I should be getting a large.

Me: I understand sir, but this batch of potato salad has completely run out. We have more being prepared but because they are fresh, they will not be the same price as this batch.

Customer: Don’t give me that s**t, fill that tub!

(My manager and co-workers hear the commotion. My manager comes to my aid. We go to the back fridge and look for a new batch of salad. Instead, we fill the tub with raw potatoes and onion quarters. I return to the service desk and hand the customer his salad)

Jesus Won’t Do Your Math Homework For You

, , , , , , | Right | January 4, 2019

Customer: “I want five pounds of the [Low-Quality, Bargain Brand] ham, chipped.”

(I groan inside, as this order will take a long time and a lot of elbow grease. When I’m about a third of the way done, the man looks displeased.)

Customer: “G**d***, boy! What the h***’s takin’ so long?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. This is going to take a while.”

Customer: “The guy who helped me last week didn’t take this long!”

(He might not remember that I was the one who served him last week, but I do, because of his attitude and his politically provocative hat, which he’s wearing again today.)

Me: “Last week you didn’t order this much, and you didn’t want it chipped, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah? So?”

Me: “You asked for more meat, sliced thinner, so it’ll take more time.”

Customer: “You’re just lazy!”

Me: “It’s not a question of that, sir. It’s like a distance-rate-time problem.”

Customer: “The h*** are you talkin’ about?”

Me: “Like from algebra class. Distance equals rate times time; therefore, time equals distance divided by rate. Increasing the distance and decreasing the rate both increase time, like driving down a longer road at a slower speed.”

(The customer looks at me like I put on a chicken costume and started tap-dancing. Then his face lights up.)

Customer: “You’re talkin’ about that liberal f****** math and science voodoo s***!”

Me: *deadpan expression* “Yup.”

Customer: “I don’t need that s***! I got Jesus!”

Me: “Well, Jesus won’t make this go any faster, either.”

Customer: “Kiss my a**!”

Unfiltered Story #134151

, , , | Unfiltered | December 28, 2018

Customer: “What about the [vomitous bargain brand] ham? Is that one good?”

Me: “No, it isn’t.”

Customer: “What? No? What do you mean, no?!”

Me: “Well, it is the cheapest brand we carry, sir. Cheaper brands are generally lower-quality. And that company, in particular, has been investigated by the government multiple times for the inhumane and unsanitary conditions at its factories.”

Customer: “Well, if it’s no good, then why do you sell it?!”

Me: “Because Americans are shameful, honorless pigs who will sacrifice quality and standards for the sake of cheaply and instantly gratifying their base, caveman desires, even to the point of slowly killing themselves.”


Customer: “Okay, then. I’ll take a pound.”

The Forever Mystery Potatoes

, , , , , , | Right | December 14, 2018

(I work at a regional grocery store’s deli. This particular day, I am asked some… basic… questions about a popular potato salad.)

Customer #1: “Does your deviled egg potato salad have egg in it?”

Me: “Yes, it does.”

(Later that same day:)

Customer #2: “Does your deviled egg potato salad have potatoes in it?”

Me: “Yes?”

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