(I work in a small outdoors store. Most of our customers are total gear-heads and know almost as much about the product as we do. A well-dressed man who looks to be in his sixties walks in, stansd in front of the cash register, and announces loudly that he needs a new coat as “the rain kept getting in” his old one. I proceed to speak to him for about an hour. Despite English appearing to be his first language, he doesn’t seem to understand the term ‘waterproof’.”

Me: “This is another good option over here, totally waterproof and seam-sealed. It’s from [brand]. I guarantee the rain won’t get in it.”

Customer: “So, the rain won’t get in this one?”

Me: “Not at all.”

Customer: “It won’t get in? Not even a little bit?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Even through the top?”

Me: “Well… not if you put the hood up.”

Customer: *nods curtly and smiles* “I see. So you’re sure the rain won’t go through this one?”

Me: “No, it’s waterproof. The rain won’t go through.”

Customer: “So…” *looks as if a light bulb just went off* “Does the rain touch the jacket at all?”

Coworker: *who has heard the whole exchange* “Sir, it’s a rain jacket, not a force field.”

(I’m the assistant manager currently helping out on the registers, when one of the new hires flags me down for help.)

Me: “Hello. How can I help?”

Coworker: “Yeah, she was wondering how much it would cost for us to put together everything.”

(I glance at the cart and see that the customer, a woman in her early 40s, has a total of 11 furniture pieces, all of which require a lot of time to assemble.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but unfortunately we don’t offer that particular service at this time.”

Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me. [Competitor] would put all of this together for me no problem. Main reason I’m coming here is because you all are cheaper.”

Me: “Yes, and I thank you for choosing to shop with us today. I also know that [competitor] offers an assembly service and that they staff people who do nothing but assemble furniture for their customers. Unfortunately for us, we simply don’t have that kind of manpower or the space to take on that particular service.”

Customer: “I don’t really care if you have the manpower or not! I have f***ing arthritis in my wrists. You honestly think I’d be asking for help if I could do it myself?”

Me: “Of course not, ma’am. Before I go and ask the store manager if there is something that can be done, let me ask you something: are you needing these pieces assembled right away?”

Customer: “Not really. How long would it take you think?”

Me: “I imagine that we could do all this in a little over a week. Reason being is that we’d have various people working on your furniture in between customers. With 11 pieces here, it will take some time to put everything together.”

(The customer reluctantly agrees on the wait time and the store manager agrees to have us assemble everything for free. I take her information and promise to call her whenever her furniture pieces are completed. The following day, she calls in and asks if we’re done yet. This repeats every day for the next four days. Finally I end up taking her phone call on the fifth day.)

Me: “Hello, this is [me], how can I help you?”

Customer: “You can help me by getting my damn furniture finished already. I bought everything last weekend and I have company coming in two days. What the h*** is taking so long? What do you think I’m paying you all for?”

Me: “Ma’am, as I explained to you then, it will take some time for us to put everything together for you because we are low on staff and that it could take a little over a week. You said that that was fine. Secondly, we offered to do this for you free of charge, so you aren’t actually paying us to assist you. But on the positive side of things, we currently have more than half of your furniture assembled and I believe that we’ll be able to have everything put together in two more days if you’re willing to remain patient with us.”

Customer: “You’re all lazy and incompetent! I’m going to have you all fired!”

(The store manager, who has been sitting next to me the entire time, has heard all of this and immediately grabs the phone.)

Store Manager: “Hi, this is the store manager. Now listen here, we have been more than patient with you. Just about every single employee I have, including myself, have agreed at one point or another to take time out of their incredibly busy schedules just to help you out because we value all of our customers. Not once from you have I heard a ‘please’ or a ‘thank you’, yet we still are willing to help out. However, I will not tolerate you berating my employees who are actually completing this project ahead of schedule. Now, if you still feel that we are not moving fast enough for your liking, you are more than welcome to come to the store, pick up your furniture and assemble the rest yourself. I’ll even help you load your car if you need the help.”

(After more incoherent yelling, the customer hangs up. The next day she came in and apologized for her behavior, saying that it was uncalled for. She then went around the store and thanked each employee for being so helpful. Can’t say that I was expecting that.)

(There are only two of us who work in the office. My coworker is male and I am female, so when customers cannot remember the name of the employee, we can still figure out who helped the customer.)

Customer: “Hi, I called earlier this morning with a question about my bill. I don’t remember who I was talking to, but I was extremely rude to him, and I just wanted to come by and apologize for my behavior.”

Me: “Umm… wow. Okay, let me get him for you…”

(I go and get my coworker.)

Coworker: “Yes, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I wanted to come in and apologize in person for how I acted on the phone this morning. I was rude, and there was no excuse for it, so I am sorry.”

Coworker: “Wow. Thanks, but, uh… I haven’t gotten any rude calls today.”

Customer: “Then maybe it was another coworker of yours?”

Me: “No, it’s just the two of us here.”

Customer: *turning to me* “Then maybe I talked to you, although I seem to remember talking to a man.”

Me: “I don’t think you were talking to me. I also haven’t received any rude calls today.”

Customer: “Really? There are people who are ruder than me?”

Me: “Yes.”

Coworker: “All the time.”

Customer: “Then I would like to apologize on behalf of all your customers who made me seem nice and friendly!”

(One thing I’ve learned from years of customer service: if you are worried about being THAT customer, chances are good that you aren’t!)

(A customer has been using a self-checking machine. Half way through, she decides she doesn’t want a certain book and takes it back to the shelves. I’ve been watching her, so I know that she has actually checked the book out to herself before putting it back on the shelf.)

Me: “Excuse me! Can I just get that book from you, and I’ll check it back in? Don’t worry about shelving it; I’ll take care of that.”

Customer: “No, no. I don’t want this.”

Me: “I understand, but I just need to check it back in. Otherwise, it still appears as being out on your card.”

Customer: “But I don’t want it.”

Me: “I know. I understand. I’m not asking you to take it. I just want to check it in.”

Customer: “Are you daft? I. Don’t. Want. This. Book.”

Me: “Right. Look. If you don’t let me check this book in now, in four weeks time you are going to receive a letter informing you that this book is overdue.”

Customer: “No, I won’t. I haven’t borrowed it.”

Me: “Yes you have!”

Customer: “I don’t understand how someone as stupid as you got a job here. See those?” *points to security gates* “Those are what check the books out to me. If I don’t carry the book through there, they aren’t on my card. Get it?!”

Me: *giving up* “You’re too right, ma’am. Sorry to have bothered you.”

(She leaves with a smug look on her face. Then I pick up the book and carry it out to my desk.)

Coworker: “You aren’t going to check that in, are you?”

Me: “H*** no.”

(Sure enough, five weeks later the customer comes in ranting and raving about ‘never having borrowed that book’. I bring it out from my desk and put it in front of her.)

Me: *shrugs* “Is this the book?”

Customer: “F***ing b****.”

This story is part of the Library roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Funny Stories About Bookstore Employees And Their Terrible Customers

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(I am a seasonal employee in the Arts and Crafts centre in summer camp in Colorado. I am teaching silk painting, and there is one older, slightly disabled lady that neither of my coworkers could put up with. I help her every day and treat her just the same. It is the end of the last day of her working on her project.)

Lady: *to me* “Can I talk to you?”

Me: “Sure.” *heads over*

Lady: *discreetly presses $5 into my hand* “I know I can be difficult to work with, and you’ve been so nice and so understanding, and made me feel like I was a real artist. You deserve something nice. Go buy a good burger for dinner.”

(I blink and try to hand her money back.)

Me: “I really can’t, ma’am.”

Lady: “Oh, who cares, you deserve it!”

(She came back several days later to give me $5 more! She made my entire summer. I never ended up spending that $10. I have it saved as a memory of one of the nicest customers I’d ever had!)