(I’m showing a customer our selection of mp3 players. He is looking for two things: small and cheap. I show him an mp3 player that costs only $9.99 and is about two inches long.)

Customer: “I don’t know about this one; it might not be right for me.”

Me: “Is it because it’s only two gigabytes? I know that kind of capacity is a little on the smaller side, but it can still hold more than enough songs to get you through the day.”

Customer: “No, it’s not that. It’s just that there is no screen. I can’t see if a song that I don’t like is going to come up or not.”

Me: “Well, if this mp3 player is for your own personal use, then chances are you’re only going to put on songs that you like, right? So, I don’t think the lack of a screen will be a big deal.”

Customer: “Wow… that is very true, actually. You just totally blew my mind, dude. Whoa, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that!”

(I work at a very popular car wash. On a busy day, we can reach a volume of over a thousand customers. We only have five vacuums, which are free during business hours, and $1.00 after close. Due to wet paint, we close one vacuum, which includes shutting the power to that individual vacuum off completely, posting signs on the vacuum AND on the trash can which we placed in front of it, and taping it off. Despite this, a customer attempts to use it anyway. It won’t turn on, so she walks up to the building.)

Customer: “May I have change for a dollar?”

Me: *knowing why she’s asking* “Of course, but are you needing change for a vacuum?”

Customer: *points to the one that’s closed* “Yes! That vacuum won’t turn on!”

Me: “That’s because it’s been shut off.”

Customer: “But I need to vacuum out my car. I already parked there and got out and walked all the way over here!”

Me: “There are signs that say it’s out of order.”

Customer: “I didn’t see them!”

Me: “You didn’t see that it’s been cordoned off, the trash can in front of it to prevent people from parking there, or the signs that state ‘Out of Order’?”

Customer: “You know what?! I’ll go somewhere else!”

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Related:
Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum, Part 4
Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum, Part 3
Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum, Part 2
Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum

(I’m interviewing with a couple to babysit their three kids. The wife has been doing all of the talking, while the husband just leans against the counter.)

Wife: *turning to her husband* “Hun, do you have any questions for her?”

Husband: *he is covered in tattoos and seems extremely laid back* “Look, I just want to know that you’re not gonna kill my kids.”

Me: “Well, I don’t have any plans to currently, but you never know. Things can change.”

Husband: *laughs* “I like you.”

This story is part of the Babysitting roundup!

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(I am junior executive of a solicitor company. Despite being one of the top firms in the UK we are also one of the cheapest with a reputation of taking almost any case, despite being no-win/no-fee in order to help out people who usually wouldn’t be able to afford legal aid.)

Receptionist: *over intercom* “Miss [My Name], there is a very strange man here asking for you. Should I call security?”

Me: “No, it’s okay. I’ll come down.”

(I go to the front to see my boyfriend standing there, looking irritated.)

Receptionist: “This man is insisting on talking with you. I told him that he has no business here.”

Me: *to Receptionist* “This is my boyfriend. He’s here to take me to lunch.”

(My boyfriend smirks as we leave. During lunch my boyfriend tells me how rude the receptionist was to him: that she was telling him he had no business there and that he wouldn’t be able to afford legal aid. My boyfriend is in no way scruffily dressed, but we don’t talk to our clients like that, anyway. I decide to talk to receptionist when I return to hear her side of the story. When I return there is an angry looking man standing by the receptionist.)

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t help you.”

Client: “This is ridiculous. I want to speak to someone in charge.”

Receptionist: “That’s not possible. I’m sorry. You have to leave.”

Me: “[Receptionist], what’s going on?”

Receptionist: “Nothing, this man was just leaving.”

Me: “Okay? Do you want to take lunch now?”

(The receptionist gets up to leave, smirking at the client. When she’s out the door I turn to the client.)

Me: “I am junior partner here. Is there something I can help with?”

Client: “Yes. I can her hoping to make a claim, but that woman said that you don’t help my kind here and that I wouldn’t be able to afford you guys, and that you don’t help tramps. That’s disgusting behavior.”

Me: “I absolutely agree. We’ll have a look at your case for you and determine a course of action. The legal advice is, of course, free for your troubles. We will be having words with our staff shortly, I assure you.”

(It turned out the man had quite an important case that won himself a huge payout and was our biggest case of the year. The receptionist denied everything, but after two more complaints, one from the senior partner’s wife saying that she was called a whore, the receptionist was gone.)

Customer: “Hello, is this Tech support?”

Me: “Absolutely, is there an issue I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah I want you to take over my computer and tell me what’s wrong with it. It’s all crazy.”

Thinking about how “all crazy” actually constitutes as a good description of a problem in most cases.

Me:  “Okay, ma’am, well I assume you’ve had us remote control your machine before, so go ahead and open the program for me and I’ll try to connect. What’s the IP address?”

Customer: “No, you can’t have my IP.”

Me: “Well it’s impossible to help you without it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do something to your machine.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. My ISP or whatever stopped giving me internet so I need you to do it some other way.”

Me: “Ma’am, without internet I can’t just… beam into your computer.”

Customer: “Man, those guys control EVERYTHING!!”

*click*