(I am starting to shut down my food cart. It has a ‘Now Hiring’ sign, which lists the wages. A man in his 40s walks up to take a food sample.)

Customer: “You know, if you lived in North Dakota you could get an easier job at $15/hour.”

Me: “Uh, that’s nice.”

Customer: “But that’ll change when Obama takes over the country. The wages will drop then.”

Me: “… That’s okay. I’m actually planning on moving to Canada in the next couple of years.”

Customer: *suspicious look* “Canada… You know who I’d trust to run my health care?”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “You. But I wouldn’t trust the Government. They’re shady.

Me: “Yeah. The government does seem to hide a lot from us.”

Customer: “It’s all because of Israel and The Vatican, anyway. Have you heard of the Jesuits?”

Me: “… Kind of?”

Customer: “Well, the black pope is running the Vatican from Jerusalem. See, he thinks the Ark of the Covenant is there. That’s why he wants to sit atop it and rule the world from there. He’s the one who’s actually in control of the Vatican, and running the USA.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “That’s why the USA likes Israel so much! It’s all because the Vatican is baptizing aliens.”

Me: “Aliens like… foreigners?”

Customer: “No, aliens! You know… The greys, the lizard people…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Anyway, Obama. His name isn’t even Barack. He grew up in Indonesia, and people called him ‘Barry.'”

Me: “Well, Mitt Romney’s first name is actually Willard, which is worse in my opinion.”

Customer: “Hmm… That’s true…” *gives thoughtful suspicious look, as if he’s now distrustful of Romney*

Me: *coughs*

Customer: “Anyway. North Dakota. Think about it.” *walks off*

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(I work at the service desk at a local electronics store. A customer walks up to the desk and lays his cellphone, complete with box, on the table.)

Customer: “There’s a problem with this phone. I bought it yesterday and started charging it as soon as I got home.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Even after about four hours of charging, the phone still can’t switch on.”

(I quickly grab the phone, plug in the charger and, sure enough, nothing happens. I remove the back of the phone and a light dawns on me. I open the box, grab the battery, place it in the phone and hands everything to the customer.)

Me: “There you go. It should work now.”

Customer: “Oh… uhm… Promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

Me: “I honestly can’t promise that. You just made my entire week.”

(I work at a large local cable and telephone company. My department deals with clients that haven’t paid their bills and had their service suspended. I have dealt with a lot of abuse everyday for the last two years. This has taken its toll and I’m now in my final week of my month’s notice. A particularly vile client has come through. We have suspended his cable service on the day of a big football match.)

Me: “Good afternoon. You’re through to [Cable Company]. My name is [First Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Listen, b****. You need to turn my cable back on right now! I’ve got f****** friends coming over to watch the match!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It looks like your service has been suspended as you have two months charges currently outstanding. We will be unable to reconnect your service without the account being settled in full. However, if you would like me to take a card payment now, I can get you reconnected in about 10 minutes.”

Customer: “Listen, you’ll get your money when I’m good and ready. I’m sick of your company. I swear I’m going to rip your f****** equipment out of the wall and throw it in the garden if you don’t switch it back on NOW!”

Me: “I wouldn’t advise that, sir. The box is leased, so any damage would be added to your bill. So, did you wish to make a card payment so I can get you reconnected?”

Customer: “LISTEN, YOU S***!”

Me: “Can you please refrain from using bad language? You have not paid your bill for two months and would have received a notice and a final notice to warn you of this. If you are unwilling to pay the bill today there is nothing further I can do for you. Once you pay at [Locations] or over the phone I can get you reconnected.”

Customer: “YOU F****** B****! YOU CONNECT MY TV RIGHT NOW OR I’M COMING DOWN THERE WITH A KNIFE AND A BASEBALL BAT AND I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! CONNECT IT NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU!”

(Although death threats are quite common, for some reason, maybe because I’m working my notice, I find this one extremely funny and begin to laugh.)

Customer: “WHAT ARE YOU F****** LAUGHING AT?! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

Me: “The reason I’m laughing, sir, is that you have threatened to kill me despite me having your full name and address on screen. I could report you to the police but to be honest I think that would be a waste of their time. So, did you want me to process a payment or not?”

Customer: “I’M COMING DOWN TO YOUR OFFICE NOW WITH A BASEBALL BAT!”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure how you’re going to as you live in [Town about an hour and half drive] and I’m due to finish my shift in half an hour at an office where over 500 people are employed. You only have my first name and no idea what I look like, so I wish you well. Also, while you’ve been on the phone I’ve noticed your phone bill is also overdue and will make sure this service is also suspended so you do not incur any further fees to increase your outstanding balance. Now, if there is nothing further I can do for you I’ll have to say goodbye as I’m going home to watch the football match this afternoon.”

Customer: *unintelligible screams*

Me: *as brightly as possible* “In that case, thank you for your call. Goodbye.” *click*

(I’m sitting at a restaurant eating and reading when I hear the customer behind me begin to talk loudly to her friends.)

Customer: “So if a car is traveling at 10 miles an hour how far will it have gone in an hour?”

(At this point I assume she sharing an anecdote or trying to make some kind of joke but it starts to sound like she’s serious.)

Customer: “Well…?”

Customer’s Friend: “Ummm.”

Customer: “If a car leaves driving 10 miles per hour, how far will it have gone in an hour? How do I figure that out? I need to figure this out…”

Customer’s Friend: “Are you hearing what you’re saying?”

(My friend and I are walking around town to get some food. There is an eye care place on the street that we are on.)

Friend: *laughs* “What do they serve at the eye cafe?”

Me: “That says ‘care’ not ‘cafe.'”

Friend: “Oh…”

Me: “Yeah. Maybe you should go in while I get the food.”