He Cheated His Way Out Of Any Solution

Customer: “You guys need to compensate me.”

Me: “Uh… for what, sir? Did your phone break?”

Customer: “You guys sold me a phone and told me it had privacy features! But my wife was able to guess my password and read all my messages! Now she wants a divorce because she read all the messages I sent to some other dumb b****!”

He sounds like a delight.

Me: “Sir, that sounds… unfortunate. But I don’t understand why we would need to compensate you for that.”

Customer: “I have to get a divorce lawyer so that the b**** doesn’t get all my s***! They’re not cheap, and I wouldn’t need to get one if it wasn’t for your dumb phone!”

Before I can even begin to process this, my “manager” steps in. She’s an older, angry woman.

“Manager”: “No, you wouldn’t need a divorce lawyer if you weren’t a cheating a**hole who was also dumb enough to have an easily guessable passcode. We’re giving you nothing!”

Customer: “You can’t talk to me like that! I’m gonna get my lawyer to sue you, too!”

“Manager”: “You make about as much sense as those ‘share’ buttons on p*rn sites and are about just as useful. I use this specific analogy as those sites will be the only action I figure you’ll be getting for a while. Get the f*** out of our store and go rethink your life.”

The customer swears and shouts some sexist stuff but does eventually leave. The “manager” turns to me.

Me: “Uh… who are you?”

“Manager”: “Oh, just another customer, dear, but I had to step in as I know you’d probably be limited in what you could say to a jerk like that. I just couldn’t hear him say one more thing.” 

I thanked her but advised her that it would probably be best not to impersonate any managers in the future. She said she would happily admit to what she did if anything litigious came our way, but thankfully, nothing did.