Either She Doesn’t Exist, Or She Came To Her Senses

I work in a bridal boutique. I take an appointment; the caller to book the appointment is the groom. That in itself is not too unusual, but the rest of the conversation is.

Groom: “My fiancée and I are getting married in six months and she hasn’t tried on any dresses at all yet. She says she’s not really a dress kind of girl, but I really want her to wear a dress to our wedding. I think if you have her try some on, she’ll see how pretty she looks and change her mind.”

We get this from a lot of friends and family — usually, the Mother of the Bride — and our policy is to offer styles to the bride and let her pick what she wants to try on.

Me: “Sure, we can schedule an appointment for her to work with a consultant and browse our samples. She can try on any styles she’d like so she can get a sense of what she feels best in. Can I ask for a little more information about your wedding date and preferred budget, or should we ask her when she comes in?”

Groom: “No, no, you can ask me. She doesn’t want to try on dresses, so I’m making the appointments so she can’t get out of it.”

Me: “We do have some dress alternatives, like bridal jumpsuits or separates, so hopefully we can find something that’s close to her personal style.”

Groom: “Do you have anything in her size?”

Me: “We carry samples in mid-range sizes to fit up or down and gauge how a fitted dress will look, and then we can order her the dress or outfit she chooses in her size based on her measurements.”

Groom: “Well, I don’t know; she’s really fit and toned.”

He goes into a long description of her Pilates routine.

Groom: “She needs something that will be flattering on her and I want her in something fitted to her figure.”

Me: “We can easily size most styles down with clips so she can see how they’ll look in her size, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”

Groom: “She needs something that shows off her figure. She has a really nice figure; she wears a lot of fitted pants and high heels.”

At this point, I’ve stepped away from the reservation computer and am leaning against the wall, holding the phone with a baffled look on my face. My coworker has stopped her paperwork and is staring at me strangely since this side of the conversation has gone so quiet.

Groom: “…and she has really large breasts for her size. She wears a DDD cup so she needs something that will show them off…”

Me: *Desperately trying to interject* “That’s fine. We’ll take her measurements once she finds a style she likes—”

Groom: *No indication that he’s heard me.* “…she prefers [Brand] lingerie and she wears a lot of demi-cut black lace…”

I’ve completely slid down the wall at this point and am basically sitting on the floor, holding the phone.

Me: “That’s great! I have all the information I need, and we can sit down for a chat when she comes in for the appointment!”

Groom: “You’ll be able to make her try on dresses that will fit her and look good on her figure?”

Me: “Uh-huh. I’m sure we can find something that she likes!”

Groom: “Okay, good, because she really doesn’t want to wear a dress and I want to make sure she shows off her figure…”

At this point, I was considering a followup drink for every time he described her figure.

I finally wrapped up the call, confirmed the booking, and considered going home to take a long shower to scrub the call off my skin.

I wrote minimal notes in the appointment field to avoid scaring off consultants working that day. I just mentioned that the groom may be in attendance and he had some preferences but, so far, the bride didn’t seem too sold on a traditional dress. I made a mental note to try and be available around that time for support, as well.

We confirmed the appointment with the contact information given to us — the groom’s phone and email — in advance of their time frame but, wouldn’t you know it, the appointment was a no-show. At this point, we seriously started to doubt the bride existed outside of his imagination!