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Translation Consternation

| USA | Related | September 27, 2013

(My mom prides herself in knowing English pretty well, even though she is not originally from here. She’ll speak Spanish to us, but not to others. My mom is currently speaking to me in Spanish while we are sitting at a restaurant.)

Waitress: “Hello, what can I get you to drink?”

Me: “Coke please.”

Waitress: *to Mom* “Que quedes tomar? Agua?”

Mom: *frosty look* “DIET COKE, PLEASE!”

(The waitress looks shocked and scuttles away.)

Me: *mortified* “Geez, Mom, you were just speaking Spanish to me! Don’t think you that she was just trying to make you feel more comfortable?”

Mom: “I don’t care; we are in the USA! We speak English here! So anyway…” *continues in Spanish*

How To Get A Man’s Attention

| VA, USA | Romantic | September 27, 2013

(My fiancé watches a lot of shows on his computer when I’m watching something he doesn’t like on TV, so he always has his ear buds in. A commercial comes on TV, so I try to talk to him.)

Me: “Hey! Hey you!” *no response* “Hey! I love you!” *no response* “I’m gonna throw something at you!” *no response* “I can’t believe you can’t hear me!” *no response* “I have to poop.”

Fiancé: *pulls out his ear bud* “Did you just say you have to poop?”

Forget And Forgive And Forget

| IL, USA | Romantic | September 27, 2013

(I date a guy for a few months. I know he smokes pot, but it gets to the point that he gets psychologically addicted, and starts withdrawing from the world. We are already spending less and less time together when he stops talking to me altogether. Three months later in a car with my buddies, I get a text from him.)

Boyfriend: “I feel like we’re drifting apart.”

(I show the text to my friends, who know the situation. We all laugh hysterically. I reply.)

Me: “We’ve been apart for three months; you’re a little late on the uptake.”

Boyfriend: “Do you think we could start over? Pretend like we never dated and start fresh?”

Me: “It doesn’t really work like that.”

(I have to say, I had never expected to break up with a guy after being forgotten about!)

Gross-ery Shopping

| New York, NY, USA | Romantic | September 27, 2013

(My boyfriend and I are at a convenience store late at night. We’re holding hands while we stand in line, and when we get up to the cash register, I let go and hand the cashier our purchase.)

Cashier: “It’s awfully late for a pretty lady like you to be out shopping.”

Me: “Uh… yeah, I guess.”

Cashier: “Your total comes to [total].”

(The cashier leans across the counter.)

Cashier: *whispering loudly* “My shift ends in ten minutes. What do you say I buy you a drink?”

Me: *paying as quickly as possible* “Um, no thanks!”

Cashier: “C’mon, baby! If you just give me your number, I’ll give you this stuff for free!”

Boyfriend: “Seriously, dude?”

(We are buying condoms. Some people can’t take a hint.)

The Psycho Path To A Break-Up

| New York, NY, USA | Romantic | September 27, 2013

(I am dating a girl who has turned out to be borderline psychotic. I know it and want out, but her dad has gotten me my job, and I know if I dump her, I’d be fired. She has started calling me in the early hours of the morning, accusing me of being out.)

Me: *answering phone at 2 am* “Hello?”

Girlfriend: “Where are you?”

Me: “At home, asleep.”

Girlfriend: “Don’t lie to me. Jack and Jill said they saw you at a club.”

(This goes on a little while. Two days later, we’re at a party that Jack and Jill are at.)

Me: “Hey, [Girlfriend] said you guys saw me at a club a couple of nights ago. It wasn’t me, but you should say hi next time.”

Jack: “What are you talking about? We weren’t out that night.”

Jill: “Yeah, we weren’t even in the city.”

Girlfriend: “Uh, Jill, can I talk to you?”

(They go off for a minute, and I tell Jack what’s going on. The girls return.)

Jill: “Remember, Jack? We were out that night. We saw him over by that club.”

Jack: “We weren’t out that night. Are you crazy? We never saw him.”

Jill: “Yeah, we did.”

Jack: “No, we didn’t. I still have this receipt from that night showing we weren’t even close to the city.”

(Later, I get flak in front of her other friends for making her look bad. I just play the dutiful boyfriend and say I am trying to be friendly to her friends.)

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