(I’m responsible for a 24/7 tech-hotline we provide for one of our customers. We recently made contract with an external call center to take our calls during the night. To check out, if everything works, I test the call center and play one of our customers – an IT company.)

Agent: “[Our Company]. My name is [Agent]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Other Company]. My Flux-Capacitor is defective.”

Agent: “Mhm.” *suspicious* “Your Flux-Capacitor is not working?”

Me: “Right. I need a technician right now.”

Agent: “Mhm, well, let’s see. So, you said your Flux-Capacitor is not working?”

Me: “Yes! And as I already know that you know what the Flux-Capacitor is, for your information: this is a test call to check if everything works.”

Agent: “Ah, I see. Well, let me see if I can get a technician for you.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Agent: “You’re welcome. I hope your DeLorean will work again quite soon.”

Me: “I hope so!” *giggling*

(He then called my technician and told him what the call was about and transfers me to him. Seconds later I had a laughing technician on the phone, joking about how I could fix my Flux-Capacitor.)

(I work for a very well-known retailer. We do not receive paper checks; rather, our pay is deposited on cards that can be used as debit/credit cards. I am given one of these cards by the husband of one of our cashiers. I immediately recognize the name printed across the front as that of a member of our maintenance crew, who is known for being a pain… and also a friendly acquaintance of my direct supervisor.)

Me: “[Supervisor]! We HAVE to mess with [Maintenance]!” *I show her the card* “We should tell him that someone bought a TV with it but we didn’t realize it was his until after the customer left because they left the card behind, like on the check stand or something.”

Supervisor: “Oh, my god. That’s awesome!”

(We discuss how we are going to play out the prank and my supervisor pages overhead for the maintenance associate to report to the service desk.)

Maintenance: “What’s up?”

Supervisor: *as she holds out his card toward him* “Your friend Steve got the TV.”

Maintenance: *looking confused* “Steve? Who is Steve?”

Supervisor: “Steve. He got that TV for you and left this with us to get back to you.”

Maintenance: *a little more worried* “TV? What are you talking about?”

Supervisor: “That 40-inch Visio you wanted for your apartment. Steve paid for you and left to take it to your place.”

(Panicked, Maintenance starts reaching for his phone; presumably to check his balance on his card and we can’t hold it in any longer. We burst out laughing and confess the whole thing to be a joke.)

Maintenance: *to Supervisor* “You’re terrible!”

Me: *raising my hand enthusiastically* “IT WAS MY IDEA!”

Maintenance: “What?!”

Supervisor: “Yeah, [My Name] put me up to it.”

Me: “But seriously, you should thank [Cashier’s Husband]. He found it.”

(I regaled the tale to one of his closest work friends, who happened to know his PIN, and she said next time he lost track of it she was buying us all sodas on Maintenance.)

(I am working at a small cafe over a shop around Christmas. After Christmas I get fewer and fewer shifts. One day I come in and find that I haven’t been allocated any shifts.)

Me: “Hey, do you know why I haven’t been scheduled on at all this week?”

Assistant Manager: “I don’t know. You’ll have to ask the manager but I’d guess it’s because we get less people after Christmas.”

(I come in two weeks in a row to find I have no shifts still. On the third week, I see that my name has been taken off the rota.)

Me: “My name isn’t on here at all.”

Assistant Manager: “Really?”

Me: “Am I fired?”

Assistant Manager: “I don’t know. Come in tomorrow. [Manager] is in on the afternoon.”

(I come in the next day. Manager is there, sorting out the stock room.)

Me: “Hey, [Manager]. My name isn’t on the rota anymore. Is there a reason for that? Have I been let go?”

Manager: “Um… yes.”

Me: “Can I ask why?”

Manager: “We just don’t need you right now.”

Me: “Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve been coming in for the last three weeks to check my shifts.”

Manager: “I’m telling you now, aren’t I?”

(The next day I get a phone call from a frustrated former coworker. She says she’s run off her feet and that it’s ridiculous that I’ve been fired, since they didn’t have enough cafe staff in the first place. She also tells me that there is already a sign outside advertising for cafe staff. So I decide to ask the manager again, via email.)

Me: “Hi, [Manager]. I’m just writing to clarify for my records why it is you fired me.”

Manager: “Your hours didn’t fit with ours.”

Me: “Well, that’s an actual reason. Why didn’t you say that before?”

Manager: “I thought I did.”

Me: “You said you didn’t need me anymore. Have I done something wrong? I’d like to know.”

Manager: “No.”

(I still talk to my former coworker. Apparently the turnover rate of staff is really high, because the manager keeps firing people without reason. Unfortunately I never signed a contract, but I get a little bit of joy whenever I pass the shop to still see them advertising for staff.)

(One thing I like about my job is that the office music plays hits from the radiotherapy peps me up, instead of dreary boring elevator type music that puts me to sleep. It usually isn’t very risqué, until the day my boss is helping a customer with something, right underneath a speaker. Pink’s ‘U and Ur Hand Tonight’ comes on.)

Boss: “So, what we have here is…”

Pink: *on radio* “It’s just you and your hand tonight! Uh uh oh oh oh…”

Boss: “What is this music?! [My Name], go in the back and change it, now!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am…”

(Since then, we had old dreary boring music on and my boss refuses to change it to anything else. Thanks a lot, Pink!)

(I work as an evidence tech at a police department. We have one officer that likes to pop in our office from time to time. He is known for being pretty loud and obscene, but in a goofy way. At this time my coworker is assisting a citizen on the phone, when we hear the officer coming down the hallway.)

Coworker: “Okay let me find your case…” *she hears him coming* “I’m sorry, sir, please hold!

(Her eyes go wide and she scrambles to press the hold button just in time.)

Officer: “WHAT’S UP, CHEESE NUGGETS?! Oh, what the f***? It smells like weed in here! You b****** been smoking?! Maaaaan, I’m getting the munchies!”

Me: *giggling* “Do you know we have to put people on hold when you come in the room?”

Officer: “Oh, yeah. I guess we have to be all honorable and professional and s***.”

This story is part of the Swearing roundup!

Read the next Swearing roundup story!

Read the Swearing roundup!