(At our office we have a lot of data to upload and download. To make this a bit faster, workers who don’t have to use the Internet intensively for work purposes have their speed limited, to leave more bandwidth for the ones who don’t. It’s not a big limit, as it’s still possible to watch streaming videos and download files at normal speeds. I’m the IT guy.)

New Coworker: “Hey, my Internet is slow! Could you take a look at my PC?”

Me: “That’s normal. Since all your work is done offline you don’t need so much speed, so it’s limited.”

New Coworker: “But it takes me more than 10 seconds to load the page! That can’t be normal!”

(I’m sure she’s exaggerating, but I agree to go look at her PC. She sits down and goes to show me by loading a webpage.)

New Coworker: “See? It shouldn’t take THIS long to load!”

Me: “Umm, yes, but it’s because you’re watching videos on YouTube. That takes some bandwidth, and slows down your connection which isn’t that fast to begin with.”

New Coworker: “Yeah, even the videos sometimes glitch. So, what will you do about it?”

Me: “Well, nothing. You don’t need faster net for working purposes.”

New Coworker: “But I can’t work without music!”

Me: “Bring your own on a thumb drive, and listen to that? That’s what I do.”

New Coworker: “Why should I do that? It’s YOUR responsibility to enable ME to do my job properly.”

Me: “It’s not connected with your job—”

(She storms off and returns a minute later with our boss.)

Boss: “[New Coworker] is telling me you won’t raise her speed limit and she can’t work because of it!”

Me: “Work? Okay, why don’t we take a look at her browsing history? If it’s for work I’ll raise it right away.”

(She panics, but boss gives me a green light.)

Me: “So let’s see: Facebook, Facebook, YouTube, 9gag, 9gag, 9gag, YouTube, Facebook, YouTube, eBay, YouTube, Facebook… ah, here’s website of the guy we order toner from, so that’s work… Facebook, YouTube, YouTube, eBay… Should I keep going?”

Boss: “You’ve been working hard, [New Coworker]? Maybe I should give you a raise.”

New Coworker: “But I can’t work without music!”

Boss: “Bring an mp3 player from now on.”

New Coworker: “I don’t want to do that!”

Boss: “You’ll have to because [My Name] will be blocking all of the sites you went to that weren’t related to work. And this is your final warning; if I catch you playing with your phone or something you’ll be jobless.”

(Guess who got fired the next week for playing games on her phone?)

(I am the office manager and in-house IT department. I schedule a Monday off to go to the doctor. When I return to the office on Tuesday there are 14 notes from one of the partners about his broken computer. I call and inform his assistant I will be down soon and open my e-mail:)

Partner’s Email: “[My Name], I called your office and left several notes but you didn’t return my calls. I see a note that you left saying you wouldn’t be in but my computer is broken. I called [Repair Company] and they will be in today.”

(I call back the assistant and ask what the problem is.)

Assistant: “I have no idea; it just won’t turn on. We called repair.”

Me: “What happens when you turn it on?”

Assistant: “Nothing.”

Me: “Does the monitor come on?”

Assistant: “No. Wait, Mr. [Partner] wants to talk to you.”

Partner: “Look, I know you scheduled off weeks ago but this is important. I need this fixed NOW so I called for repair. I need you down here to be here when they arrive.”

(I hurry down to his office and glance at the computer. The monitor is unplugged.)

Me: “We should plug in the monitor before they get here. They charge by the hour so I don’t want anything slowing them down.”

(I turn to see the partner and his assistant looking sheepish as the login screen appears. Just then the repair tech arrives.)

Tech: “So, what seems to be the problem?”

Me: “His monitor won’t turn on unless it’s plugged in.”

Partner: “But I know nothing about computers!”

Tech: “I hope you know something about accounting because I’m going to have to charge you $150 for this.”

Me: “Hello. May I have two tickets to Belle, please?”

Attendant: “Um, I think you mean the new Disney movie?”

Me: “Belle isn’t a Disney movie. It’s about a bi-racial women who works towards ending slavery in 18th century England.”

Attendant: “Um, we don’t have anything like that…”

Me: *sighs* “Can I get two tickets to that movie?” *points to ‘Belle’ movie poster*

Attendant: “Ugh! That’s ‘Bee-Elle!’ It’s basically Cinderella. God, why is everyone so stupid…”

(A coworker has turned the temperature dial in my hot case all the way up to 10, when it’s supposed to be at 4.5. When I reach in to grab the metal tongs to serve a customer, my hand gets burned badly and I end up with blisters on my fingers. I go to a manager to find out where the first aid kit is.)

Me: “Look at this. I got blisters all over my hand.”

Manager: “Next time, use your other hand.”

(The bank has three ATMs, but one clearly has an ‘Out Of Order’ sign on it. It’s caused a small line, but everyone is understanding. Until one guy arrives; nothing was said during the exchange.)

Me: *next in line to use the ATM*

Guy: *runs ahead of me, smirking at me; jumps onto the broken machine while pushing the paper out of the way.*

Me: *quietly walks over to the next good machine, which is next to his*

Guy: *pushes buttons, only for the machine to spit his card back out*

Me: *walks away as he has to get to the back of the now-longer line*