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Bad boss and coworker stories

Consider Yourself Ameliorated

| Working | May 7, 2012

(I work as an assistant. My boss tends to be really rude and always assumes he’s more intelligent than the people he’s talking to, but he usually isn’t. He also assumes I’m gay because he calls it a “lady job”, so I can’t wait to introduce him to my girlfriend at a company party.)

Boss: *shaking my girlfriend’s hand* “Oh, I thought [my name] was gay.”

My Girlfriend: *trying to be polite* “If he is, that’s news to me!”

Boss: “Well, it’s good that you were able to fix him. After all, we don’t want people like that working here. And we’re all always improving and ameliorating our lives, aren’t we?”

My Girlfriend: “Those are synonyms, and I don’t think that their definitions are what you’re actually trying to say, but okay…”

Boss: *condescendingly* “Young lady, they are NOT synonyms.”

My Girlfriend: “To ameliorate something is to alter or change something for the better. So yes, they are. And, even if [my name] was gay, who says that’s bad or in need of improvement? People are who they are, you know.”

Boss: *snidely* “It’s cute that you think you’re smart enough to compete, but—”

(At this moment, my boss’s boss approaches. He has apparently been listening in on the entire conversation.)

Boss’s Boss: *to my boss* “You’re fired. Clean out your office tomorrow.” *to me* “I have an opening for an executive assistant on my personal team that I’d like to offer you.” *to my girlfriend, shaking her hand* “It was lovely to meet you. I hope you can join us all for lunch sometime this week!”

(I found out later that my boss had had a few discrimination complaints filed against him over the years, and when his boss overheard what he was saying, he’d had enough. I did take that promotion, and my new boss, his wife, and my girlfriend and I all have lunch at least twice a week!)

Do The Slow-Key Po-Key

| Working | May 6, 2012

Manager: “So, you click “New” to make a new inventory sheet?”

Me: “Yes, right over there.”

Manager: “Now what do I do…type it in?”

Me: “Yes, in the text box.”

(My manager types as slowly as humanly possible.)

Manager: “So, where’s that space key again?”

The Grinch That Closed Christmas

| Working | May 5, 2012

(I’m sitting in the break room when one of the mall security guards comes in.)

Security Guard: “Well, time to go make some little kids cry!”

Me: “What?!”

Coworker: “You telling them that the line for Santa is closing?”

Security Guard: “Yup!”


This story is part of the Christmas In The Workplace roundup!

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Ooh, Shiny

, | Working | May 4, 2012

(I am standing in the menswear section and can’t find what I’m looking for. An employee walks through.)

Me: “Can I ask you a question?”

Employee: “Sure.”

Me: “Do you sell French cuff shirts?”

Employee: “The kind that buttons up the front?”

Me: “Yes, but the ones you use cufflinks with.”

Employee: “You mean the shiny things?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Employee: “Nope, haven’t seen any!”

Conspiracy Potpourri

| Working | May 4, 2012

(I work at a spa with a lot of elderly regulars. There is a rumor that some are Freemasons. A conversation with a coworker about Freemasons turns into this.)

Coworker: “Remember that video we saw last time, the one with the news anchors blinking out lizard eyes and stuff?”

Me: “Yeah, I remember that. It’s pretty dumb. I mean, lizard people from space trying to infiltrate and take over our planet? Come on!”

Coworker: “I know, right? It’s totally demons.”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, demons! You know, like when you get high enough in the Freemason ranks you get possessed by demons. I think some of the guys here may be one of them!”