(I work two jobs, and one of them is a 45 minute drive from home. My current car needs yet another costly repair, and we have not yet finished paying off the last repair. We all agree it is time to buy a new car, and my dad goes with me for some test drives. The first test goes off without a hitch; we are given the keys and we like the handle of the car. We then go across the street to a different dealership to test drive one of theirs.)

Sales Representative: “All right, let me get your information, and we’ll set you up. Do you have a particular color [Model] in mind?”

Me: “Nope! We just want to get a feel for the car today.”

Sales Representative: “No problem; let me go get one off the lot.”

(We wait, and she comes back a few minutes later with the car. She gets in the back seat, which threw us both off a little, but we didn’t think much of it. I go to start the car and inch it along, a little nervous with it being unfamiliar and having someone else in the car.)

Me: *turning onto busy street, trying to get it up to speed* “Wow… this car really has no pickup.”

(My dad and the rep chat while I drive. We find out she’s been on the sales floor for about three months. Everything’s pleasant enough until I realize no matter how hard I push on the gas, the car is slowing down.)

Me: “Why is it slowing down? What did I do?!”

(Both the rep and my dad are alarmed as we slow down to about 15 mph in a 35 mph zone with a very confused car behind us.)

Dad: “You’re out of gas, that’s why!”

(He quickly directs us safely into a long driveway while the sales rep goes pale.)

Sales Representative: “Oh, my god, I didn’t even look at the gas meter…”

Me: “Neither did I. I should have looked at it too before we got going.”

(We spent about twenty minutes waiting for another sales rep to bring us a gas can. We eventually got underway, and were able to test it fully. We kinda had to laugh at the whole situation; it was just a rookie mistake, and I doubt she’ll make it again! We hope her coworkers didn’t give her too hard a time about it.)

(I’m about ten years old. My two friends and I want to go swimming. It’s early spring, and though the outside pool is open, there is no one using it since it’s too cold. We buy our tickets without a problem, change into our bathing suits, and head for the pool, when we are stopped by a pool boy.)

Pool Boy: “I’m sorry, you girls aren’t allowed in here.”

Friend #1: “Why not?”

Pool Boy: “Only people over the age of 15 can come in today!”

(We see a tanned girl our age running past us at the very same second.)

Friend #2: “But she can come in!” *pointing at the girl*

Pool Boy: “Yes. She’s Islamic. Only people over 15 and Islamic people may use the pool today.”

(At that moment I spot a mother with two toddlers.)

Me: “And what about them? Those are two little girls!”

Pool Boy: “Only people above 15, Islamic, or under four years old may use the pool today! You can use the outdoor pool though.”

All Of Us: “But it’s freezing out there!”

Pool Boy: “None of my business. You’re not coming in.”

(We decide this has no use. Not knowing what to do, two of us stay at the shower area, where we are allowed apparently, while my friend goes outside to find someone who can help us. We get loads of questions from other pool guests why were are just standing there. When we explain we’re not allowed in, everyone thinks it is an outrage. Eventually my friend comes back, crying and with a bleeding foot. She tripped over a loose tile. Pool boy comes back.)

Pool Boy: “And now you are soiling the shower area with your blood? Get out! You are not allowed in here!”

(We had enough, get dressed again, and go home. Our moms called the pool and no one was aware of any rule that excluded anyone who wasn’t Islamic, over 15, or under 4.)

Clerk #1: “Do you have a loyalty card?”

Me: “No, I lost it.”

Clerk #1: *continues ringing up items* “This is on sale. If you’d had your card, you could have had the discount. Ooh, this one would have been a BIG discount if you’d had a card.”

Me: “Could you use the store’s courtesy card?”

Clerk #1: “No, we don’t do that anymore.”

Me: “Well, would it be possible for me to get a new card?”

Clerk #1: “No, we don’t do that either.”

Me: “Really? No customers can’t get a new card anymore.”

Clerk #1: “Nope.” *continues ringing up items, STILL commenting on how much money I could have saved if I’d had my card*

Me: *to different check-out clerk, a few minutes later* “Is it true that [Company] doesn’t allow customers to apply for new cards anymore?”

Clerk #2: “Huh? What? You can have a new card anytime you want. Do you want one right now?”

(I am taking a flight that transits in Shanghai. However, I’m informed that my second flight from Shanghai was changed to fly out earlier, which makes it impossible for me to catch it in time. I arrive in Shanghai and go to the information desk to ask where the transit counter is.)

Me: “Excuse me, I just missed my flight. Could you tell me where the transit counter is so I can get a new ticket?”

Employee: *doesn’t look at me, grunts, sneers, and rudely waves me off*

Me: *louder* “Excuse me, could you please help me?”

Employee: “NO!” *sneers at me again and flaps her hand at me*

Me: *annoyed and tired at this point, I very loudly reply* “Wow, THANK YOU so much! You’ve been so helpful! Really, fantastic customer service!”

(I heard laughter behind me from a Chinese family who witnessed the exchange. The dad offered to help and was able to ask another employee in Mandarin where I should go. I really wonder what the lady at the information desk thought her job was.)

(Because our house gets an unusually large number of scam calls and I got very bored with dealing with them the same way, I have developed something of a reputation among my friends for my more… “creative” responses to callers.)

[Call 1:]

Scammer: “Hello, you have been selected to receive free LED bulbs for your low voltage downlights.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have electricity in our house.”

Scammer: “You don’t have electricity?”

Me: “No, we use candles.”

Scammer: “Candles? For what?”

Me: “Oh, you know, lighting, heating, cooking very small meals…”

Scammer: *click*

[Call 2:]

Scammer: “Hello, do you have solar panels on your house?”

Me: “Oh, no, our house is powered by elephants.”

Scammer: “…I’m sorry?”

Me: “Yes, we have two. They take turns walking on a very large treadmill to generate electricity for our house…”

Scammer: “Um, I don’t…”

Me: “We just have to feed them grass and bananas and they generate all the power we need.”

Scammer: *click*

[Call 3:]

Scammer: *with an obvious Indian accent* “Hello, I am calling from Microsoft. You have a virus on your computer.”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s terrible. I’d better check it!” *opens Google Translate and selects English to Hindi, then turns up the speakers*

Scammer: “Are you sitting at your computer now?”

Me: *types “You are a thief” into Google Translate, then clicks the “Listen” button to play the Hindi translation out loud* “Yes, I am. What should I—”

Scammer: “What was that?”

Me: *innocently* “What was what?”

Scammer: “Okay, please press the Windows key.”

Me: *types* “Your family is ashamed” into Google Translate and plays it aloud* “Okay, I’ve pressed—”

Scammer: “What did you say to me?”

Me: “What? Nothing? I said I pressed the button.” *translates and plays aloud “You are a liar”*

Scammer: “I am not a liar! Why would you say that?”

Me: “I never called you a liar. What are you talking about?”

Scammer: “Okay… Um, press the—”

Me: *translates and says* “Why are you trying to steal my money?”

Scammer: “F*** you and f*** your mother!” *click*

(They’ve finally stopped calling after several years of almost daily calls, and I kind of miss the entertainment.)