How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 20

| Working | November 4, 2016

(Because our house gets an unusually large number of scam calls and I got very bored with dealing with them the same way, I have developed something of a reputation among my friends for my more… “creative” responses to callers.)

[Call 1:]

Scammer: “Hello, you have been selected to receive free LED bulbs for your low voltage downlights.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have electricity in our house.”

Scammer: “You don’t have electricity?”

Me: “No, we use candles.”

Scammer: “Candles? For what?”

Me: “Oh, you know, lighting, heating, cooking very small meals…”

Scammer: *click*

[Call 2:]

Scammer: “Hello, do you have solar panels on your house?”

Me: “Oh, no, our house is powered by elephants.”

Scammer: “…I’m sorry?”

Me: “Yes, we have two. They take turns walking on a very large treadmill to generate electricity for our house…”

Scammer: “Um, I don’t…”

Me: “We just have to feed them grass and bananas and they generate all the power we need.”

Scammer: *click*

[Call 3:]

Scammer: *with an obvious Indian accent* “Hello, I am calling from Microsoft. You have a virus on your computer.”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s terrible. I’d better check it!” *opens Google Translate and selects English to Hindi, then turns up the speakers*

Scammer: “Are you sitting at your computer now?”

Me: *types “You are a thief” into Google Translate, then clicks the “Listen” button to play the Hindi translation out loud* “Yes, I am. What should I—”

Scammer: “What was that?”

Me: *innocently* “What was what?”

Scammer: “Okay, please press the Windows key.”

Me: *types* “Your family is ashamed” into Google Translate and plays it aloud* “Okay, I’ve pressed—”

Scammer: “What did you say to me?”

Me: “What? Nothing? I said I pressed the button.” *translates and plays aloud “You are a liar”*

Scammer: “I am not a liar! Why would you say that?”

Me: “I never called you a liar. What are you talking about?”

Scammer: “Okay… Um, press the—”

Me: *translates and says* “Why are you trying to steal my money?”

Scammer: “F*** you and f*** your mother!” *click*

(They’ve finally stopped calling after several years of almost daily calls, and I kind of miss the entertainment.)


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