How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 20
(Because our house gets an unusually large number of scam calls and I got very bored with dealing with them the same way, I have developed something of a reputation among my friends for my more… “creative” responses to callers.)
[Call 1:]
Scammer: “Hello, you have been selected to receive free LED bulbs for your low voltage downlights.”
Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have electricity in our house.”
Scammer: “You don’t have electricity?”
Me: “No, we use candles.”
Scammer: “Candles? For what?”
Me: “Oh, you know, lighting, heating, cooking very small meals…”
Scammer: *click*
[Call 2:]
Scammer: “Hello, do you have solar panels on your house?”
Me: “Oh, no, our house is powered by elephants.”
Scammer: “…I’m sorry?”
Me: “Yes, we have two. They take turns walking on a very large treadmill to generate electricity for our house…”
Scammer: “Um, I don’t…”
Me: “We just have to feed them grass and bananas and they generate all the power we need.”
Scammer: *click*
[Call 3:]
Scammer: *with an obvious Indian accent* “Hello, I am calling from Microsoft. You have a virus on your computer.”
Me: “Oh, no, that’s terrible. I’d better check it!” *opens Google Translate and selects English to Hindi, then turns up the speakers*
Scammer: “Are you sitting at your computer now?”
Me: *types “You are a thief” into Google Translate, then clicks the “Listen” button to play the Hindi translation out loud* “Yes, I am. What should I—”
Scammer: “What was that?”
Me: *innocently* “What was what?”
Scammer: “Okay, please press the Windows key.”
Me: *types* “Your family is ashamed” into Google Translate and plays it aloud* “Okay, I’ve pressed—”
Scammer: “What did you say to me?”
Me: “What? Nothing? I said I pressed the button.” *translates and plays aloud “You are a liar”*
Scammer: “I am not a liar! Why would you say that?”
Me: “I never called you a liar. What are you talking about?”
Scammer: “Okay… Um, press the—”
Me: *translates and says* “Why are you trying to steal my money?”
Scammer: “F*** you and f*** your mother!” *click*
(They’ve finally stopped calling after several years of almost daily calls, and I kind of miss the entertainment.)
Question of the Week
Tell us your story about a customer who couldn't understand the most simple concept.
