(I am talking to a woman who wants to send us a contract she wants our client to sign. The name of the law firm is the last names of the partners. Both names are very common.)

Me: “So you want to send it to info@SmithJones.com.”

Woman: “Can you spell that?”

Me: “I-n-f-o-at-s-m-i-t-h-j-o-n-e-s-dot com.”

Woman: “So that’s i-n-f-o-c-h.”

Me: “There’s no CH.”

Woman: “OH! I mean i-n-f-o-and.”

Me: “There’s no “and.” Where did you get “and”?”

Woman: “OH! I can’t read my writing. So it’s i-n-f-o- that email sign thingy – s-m-i-t-h-j-o-n-e-s-period-c-o-m. Right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Woman: “Your e-mail address is hard to figure out.”

(I’m sure she’ll wonder why we are recommending our client not sign the contract.)

Scam Artist: “I am calling because your computer has been sending out warning messages for some time now. You understand?”

Me: “No, sorry. We’re Amish.”

Scam Artist: “Amish?”

Me: “Yes, we don’t believe in using any electricity so I don’t have a computer.”

Scam Artist: “Oh, I’m so sorry to have bothered you.” *click*

(I am working at a counseling center, where we help kids with behavior problems. I am relatively new, and one of the requirements for the job is to turn in progress notes, notes on how a child is doing. I get a note from my boss’s boss that she didn’t get some notes from me, and wants me to bring them specifically to her. I re-print them, and go to her office. I knock on the door. I hear chatting, and a little snickering, so I wait a few minutes. I have to leave to pick up some kids soon. I knock again, but the same deal, so I crack open the door and poke my head in and hold up some papers.)

Manager: “Yes?”

Me: “Hi, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I had a note that you wanted these brought to you. I did file them. I didn’t know if maybe a missed a step. I’m still getting used to everything. Sorry again!”

Manager: “Oh, it’s fine. They probably get misplaced. No big deal. Have a good day!”

Me: “Thanks! You, too!”

(I go to get the kids, take them to an event planned by said manager. It’s terrible. We are outside in 100+ degree weather with one small juice box per child. For five hours. I get back to the office and there is another note from the manager.)

Manager’s Note: “Your attitude this morning was completely insubordinate. If you ever act that way again, you will be terminated. That kind of behavior is rude and unacceptable. You should never bring this stuff to me. Go to your manager.”

(I quit the next day, and laughed when they asked if I wanted to give a letter of resignation.)

(I’m in a very well-known fast food chicken restaurant. As I’ve approached the counter to order, a line has quickly formed behind me, so the lone cashier calls for help, all the while apologising to those of us in line.)

Cashier: “[Manager], can you please come and help me?”

(A minute or so passes.)

Cashier: “[Manager], please help!”

(Finally, the manager slowly and begrudgingly comes to the counter.)

Me: “Can I please order [Item #1] with [Drink], to take away?”

Manager: “Sure. What drink?”

Me: *repeats* “[Drink].”

Manager: “Having here?”

Me: “No, take away, please.”

Manager: “Okay, no worries. So that’s [completely wrong, not even close, Item #2]. That’ll be $10.95, thanks.”

Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I actually ordered [Item #1].”

Manager: *stares blankly* “What’s that?”

Me: *points to menu board*

Manager: *huffs and eventually finds the right item on the register* “Okay, that’s [Item #1]. What drink do you want?”

Me: “…[Drink]?”

Manager: “Having it here?”

Me: *mental face-palm*

(I go to an artisanal cheese-makers.)

Me: *sampling a cheese* “This is the best cheese I’ve ever had!”

Owner: “You don’t get out much, do you?”