I am a comptuer tech. I have [Major network component manufacturer certification] so I know my way around a network/Internet connection. I was visiting my parents while my car was being repaired. My mom and my aunt are there working on a quilt. My mom said their internet was down and asked me to look at it. After checking their DSL modem and saw all the DSL connection lights are off, I call [Major cell phone/landline/ISP company] to report the issue. Here is what I encounter after being on hold half an hour:

Tech: Thank you for calling [Major cell phone/landline/ISP company] how can i help you.

Me: I am calling on behalf of my parents. Phone number is ###-###-####, name on the account is [Dad].

Tech: I see your account. What is the issue.

Me: The DSL modem has stopped working. There are no connection lights. I have power and internal network connection lights. I have rebooted the modem and still have the same issue.

Tech: Are you using a PC or a Mac.

Me: What does that matter, its an issue with the DSL modem. Its a [Brand] [Model].

Tech: Are you using a PC or a Mac.

Me: PC, Mac, it does not make a difference, the issue is with the DSL modem.

Tech: I cannot go further unless you let me know if you are using a PC or a Mac?

At this point I am realizing I am dealing with a drone and they cannot veer from the script given to them so I decide to throw a monkey wrench into the gears.

Me: Fine, I am running Slackware Linux.

Tech: (sputters for a moment and finally speaks) Um, you need to be using a PC or a Mac for us to troubleshoot the issue.

Me: You wanted an operating system, I gave you one. Look, I am a [Major network component manufacturer] certified network tech. Do you know what that means? It means that my pinkie knows more about networking, the internet, and how they are connected. You have tried my patience with your script reeading and now I want this call to be wither escalated to Tier 2 or 3 or you get your supervisor on the phone now.

I am put on hold. At this point my mom and my aunt are staring at me and their jaws have dropped to the floor. My mom even admonishes me for talking to the “tech” that way. After a couple of minutes the line rings.

Supervisor: This is [Supervisor]. I understand you have an issue with your DSL.

Me: Yes. As I explained to your unhelpful “tech” who can only seem to read a script, my parents DSL modem is not working. There are the power light and the inward facing network connection light. The DSL connection lights are dead. It is a [Manufacturer] [Model] DSL modem. As I told your “tech” the issue is on the modem side. Look, I didn’t want to mention this to a level one tech, but we have a firewall router connected to the DSL modem and all the computers and devices on this end, whether they are Mac, Windows, Linux, or [Major printer brand] laser printers, are working fine internally. This issue is on your end.

Supervisor: Wow. That is an old modem. I didn’t know we still had any out there.

After a moment of looking at my parents’ account the supervisor came back with the issue.

Supervisor: It looks like your DSL service was upgraded a couple weeks ago to a faster service.

Me: I recall my brother mentioning in passing that he looked into my parents service and saw that they were paying the same price for a 768K connection that people were paying for service 8 times faster so he called to have it upgraded.

Supervisor: Well, [Manufacturer] [Model] works on [old DSL technology] and the faster speeds work on [newer DSL technology]. So all we need to do is send you a new DSL modem.

Me: I think you need to train your Tier 1 techs better. When I used to work for [Major 1990s Dialup ISP], we had to know all brands of modems inside and out and know their limitations. If the tech I had first talked to had just looked at the account and the brand and model of modem, this call would not have taken over an hour. I am not impressed.

Supervisor: Thank you for the suggestion. We will work on more training for our techs. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: Nope. You fixed the issue.

Three days later, the modem arrived and my Dad was able to disconnect the old modem and connect the new one. Things went smooth with their DSL until the day that [Major cell phone/landline/ISP company] ripped out all the copper phone lines to homes and put in fiber optic, but that was a whole different mess.

I work in a restaurant. This happened:

Customer: Can I get some hot sauce, please?

So I gave him some hot sauce. He came back a few minutes later.

Customer: Excuse me, this is hot, I asked for mild. Can I get some mild instead? And give me a lot more this time.

I’ve been staying with my boyfriend in the Brazilian countryside. I didn’t grow up in the country so I assume most insects are things I don’t mind around me but not on me.

We are driving to the airport from the family farm, about an hour and half into the trip when I notice what looks like some random hair on my trousers. I go to brush it off and then I notice it looks weird. I turn my knee to see it properly on the side of my leg, it’s a 3cm long, think, black spider.

I give a scream of surprise thinking “WTF is that?” Which being in the tropics is always a good question. My boyfriend tells me I almost gave him a heart attack then laughs when I tell him it’s a spider. I don’t normally have an issue with them so he decides to think again.

I turn my leg so it’s visible to him and he yells “what the f***?” and stops on the hard shoulder so I can flick it off me and out the car. I felt smug when even the native panicked.

Looking back it had probably been on my rucksack or in the car from the farm and on me for most of the ride. In that case it probably wouldn’t have bitten me now that I had noticed it but that is not what you think when realise those black threads aren’t as soft as were expecting…

My 3 friends and I are chatting over lunch. The topic rolls over to siblings.

Friend #2: *long sigh* “I hate my older sister. She’s always forcing me to do her chores and clean her room. You know how much I hate being clean and tidy! I’m a messy girl!”

Friend #1: “I’m aware. You were my roommate for a year. I know better than anyone how messy you are.”

Friend #3: “Yeah, I get that as well. Older sisters suck.”

Friend #2: “Yeah, why couldn’t I be the older! Then I could boss people around instead of being the one bossed around! Older siblings suck!”

Me: “Hey!”

Friend #2: “Right, you’ve got a younger brother. No offence meant.”

Me: *shrugs* “Don’t worry, as an older sibling, I too find that younger siblings suck.”

Friend #3: “You’re a younger sibling as well! I’ve met your older brother.”

Friend #2: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, [Friend #3] thought he was handsome and was practically drooling over him.”

Friend #3: *blushes* “But he really was…”

Friend #1: “Still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a hypocrite. You say younger siblings suck, when you’re one yourself.”

Me: “That’s how I know younger siblings suck! I’ve caused so much trouble for my big brother, and my younger brother routinely drives me up the wall.”

Friend #2: “Man, I wish I had brothers. Sisters are overrated.”

Friend #3: “Hear hear.”

Me: “Nuh-uh. As someone with 2 brothers and is a brother myself, I can assure you that brothers are even more overrated. Not to mention gross.”

Friend #1: “That’s nice. I wish I had siblings. Being an only child is boring.”

3 of us: “Siblings suck!”

Friend #1: “You’re all siblings yourselves!”

3 of us: “That’s how we know!”

My parents were best friends with another couple – one of them named Hector. The four of them would hang out at each other’s houses, go out to dinner, concerts, theaters, vacations, etc. often. One summer, the four of them dropped me, my sister, and their children off at a weekend sleepaway camp. Afterward, my mom was talking to her friend about their weekend plans sans children.

Mom: …so then I was thinking heck, [Dad] and I could go to the winery and out to dinner afterward.
Friend: *awkward silent pause*…. can I come, too?
Mom: Ummm, sure. You don’t have plans this weekend?
Friend: No, but if the three of you are going, I didn’t want to be left out.
Mom: The three of us? It’s just [Dad] and me.
Friend: You said it was Hec, [Dad], and yourself.
Mom: What? No. I said it was [Dad] and me. Wait….oh! Heck! I said heck, like what the heck! Not Hec like Hector!
Friend: Ohhhh! *laughing* I was wondering why the three of you made plans without me!

It then became a running joke. Whether or not Hector was involved, it was always “Hec/Heck, [Person], and I.”