This Customer Has A Latte Problems, Part 5

I was traveling with family from Italy to the USA to visit some relatives. I was fourteen, and my grasp of English was fair, but I believed myself to be the Grand Champion of the English Language.

I was disabused of that notion when I went to have breakfast with a cousin at a local cafè. The menu was nothing I had never seen before, but there was an item, “latte”, that caught my attention. So, I confidently went to the counter to get some.

Me: “I’d like to have one cold latte, please.”

Barista: “Sure, would you like to have it iced or just chilled?”

Me: “Uh… I’d like it cold. Like, straight out of the fridge cold.”

Barista: “All right.”

I order a slice of cake to go with it before paying and leaving my name so to be called up. I passed time chatting with my cousin, and then my name was announced. Picking up the tray, I saw there was a slice of cake, all right… and a cup full of milky coffee.

Me: “No, wait, are you sure this is my order?”

Barista: “You ordered a chilled latte and cake, didn’t you?”

Me: “Yeah, but you gave me stained coffee instead of latte.”

Barista: “Wait, stained coffee? This looks perfectly fine to me.”

Me: “It looks like coffee, yes, but I asked for a latte — milk. I don’t like coffee at all.”

Barista: “Are you trying to prank me or what?”

Apparently, this had gone on long enough that my cousin had left the table.

Cousin: *In Italian* “[My Name], what are you doing? Why is it taking you so long?”

Me: *In Italian, as well* “This guy is telling me this is milk when it clearly isn’t. Don’t y’all drink straight milk around here?”

Cousin: *Facepalming* “Hang on, I’ll tell you later.” *Switching to English* “Forgive him; he didn’t know the menu. Don’t make my coffee. I’ll take this for myself.”

Then we went back to the table.

Me: “So, where exactly did I screw up?”

Cousin: “You asked for a latte. But that doesn’t mean ‘milk’ in English.”

Me: “Wait, then what does it mean? ‘Whatever the man behind the counter feels like’, or what?”

Cousin: *Groaning* “It means ‘coffee with milk’, you narrow-minded moron.”

I must admit it took me all my strength not to punch him for being condescending, but in hindsight, I see where he was coming from with that comment. I still don’t like coffee, but at least now I ask for actual milk in cafés in English-speaking countries!

Related:
This Customer Has A Latte Problems, Part 4
This Customer Has A Latte Problems, Part 3
This Customer Has A Latte Problems, Part 2
This Customer Has A Latte Problems