(I’ve lived in New Jersey all my life but moved to Missouri roughly two months ago. I’m managing the fitting rooms in our store when a husband and wife approach me.)

Husband: “Ma’am, do you think you can help my wife find something?”

Me: “Oh! Of course! What were you looking for?”

(The couple stares at me in shock for a few seconds.)

Husband: “Where are you from? You have a very strange accent.”

Me: “I just moved out here from Jersey.”

Wife: “That’s in Europe, right?”

Me: “Er… no. I mean New Jersey. The state.”

Husband: “Oh, so you’re from Eastern Europe?”

Me: “No, sir. The East Coast of the United States.”

Husband: “Was New Jersey one of those Soviet countries?”

Wife: “It must have been. You poor dear, living under such oppression. Welcome to America! Your English really is excellent!”

Me: “Uh… thanks. What was it you were looking for?”

Wife: “Oh, I’ll get someone else to help me. I really dislike being helped by foreigners.”

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Customer: “What is the price of this?”

Me: *looking at price sticker* “It’s $20.”

Customer: “I thought things here were discounted?”

Me: “They are.” *I point to the price tag* “The original price was $100.”

(The customer points to the sticker with item’s model number printed on it.)

Customer: “That’s the price there.”

Me: “No. That’s the model number.”

Customer: “That’s the price, $3.85.”

Me: “No. There is no dollar sign in front of the number. It’s not the price, it’s the model number.”

Customer: “It’s clearly printed and it’s the price. You have to give it to me at that price, just as it’s written.”

Me: “Okay. You’ve got me. That’ll be $385, please.”

Customer: “What? Why? You can’t charge me that much!”

Me: “Well, you wanted the price to be just as it’s written, even though there is no dollar sign and it’s not on our normal price sticker. I need to point out that there is also no decimal point between the 3 and the 8.”

(The customer paid the $20.)

(My girlfriend is a cashier, and I am a customer in her line. There’s a customer in front of me, giving her a hard time. He writes a check and hands it to her.)

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry, sir, but our system has declined your check.”

Customer: “What? I’m a millionaire! That’s not possible!”

Girlfriend: “Well, actually, I think it’s because the license and check are from different states. It’s to prevent identity theft.”

Customer: “Well, thank you for nothing, worthless b****! I know you did this on purpose!”

Girlfriend: “Sir, I can assure you I didn’t. Now. Do you have another form of payment?”

Customer: “No! You d*** b****! You’re just being totally worthless! Why don’t we take this out to the parking lot?”

Me: “Oh, can I film that?”

Girlfriend: *smiling* “Absolutely.”

Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about?”

Me: “Oh, didn’t you know? She’s a championship kickboxer. I just want to film her kicking your a**.”

(The customer huffs and stomps away.)

Girlfriend: “Aw, why did you scare him off? I was looking forward to that.”

(We offer gift wrapping where I work. Customer #1 has had her gifts wrapped BEFORE she purchases them, so I have no idea what she’s buying. She goes to get one of each item from the shelves. Instead of bringing all her items up at once, she proceeds to get them one piece at a time and insist that each one is ringing up wrong, even when they aren’t. Meanwhile, a customer comes up behind her.)

Me: “Sorry, we’re just waiting a bit.”

Customer #2: “Oh, it’s fine.”

(Customer #1 comes up with another shirt. I ring it up and, again, she argues about the price. It’s only a dollar difference so I just give it to her.)

Customer #1: “Wait! How the h*** am I supposed to know what I bought? How do I know what is in each box?”

Me: “I have no idea, Ma’am.”

Customer #1: “Well, you’re just useless, aren’t you? Void me out! I’m going to unwrap all of these, have them rewrapped, and then buy them!” *turning to Customer #2* “God, can you believe the people they hire here?””

Customer #2: “Honestly, I can’t.”

(Satisfied, Customer #1 moves down the counter and starts angrily unwrapping presents. Customer #2 puts her stuff on the counter, and in the process drops a candle.)

Me: “Oh! Did that break? You can get another one.”

(Customer #1 mutters something about me giving her a hard time and being too nice to Customer #2.)

Customer #2: “Oh, no. It’s fine.”

(Customer #2 places her candle on the counter, and I continue ringing her things up. As I start to ring up her jacket, I pull out the coat hanger and accidentally drop it. It hits Customer #2 in the chest.)

Me: “Oh, my God. I am SO sorry!”

Customer #2: *laughing* “Oh, I see how you are! I drop something in your floor, and you assault me!”

Customer #1: “Oh, my God! I saw everything! I’ll be a witness if you want, and you can sue her for all she’s worth.”

Customer #2: “Are you serious?”

Customer #1: “Absolutely. You can HAVE her job.”

Customer #2: “And have to deal with jerks like you all the time? Uh, no thanks!”

(Customer #1 storms off.)

Customer #2: “Thank God, eh? As I was saying, I can’t believe that [Retail Store] managed to find such a patient employee!”

(I’m a customer in a very small boutique that specializes in selling Quebec-made items. It is a slow day and I am alone with the shop owner who helps me choose a gift. A man storms in and goes straight to the owner with a really angry face. The owner sees him and welcomes him in French.)

Owner: “Bonjour, Monsieur. Comment puis-je vous aider?” *Hi, sir. How can I help you?*

Customer: *loud and angrily* “ENGLISH! Do you even speak it?”

Owner: “Of course, sir! How are you today and how can I help you?”

Customer: “Finally! Someone who’s speaking English! I don’t know what the h*** is going on but everyone in this f***** town is speaking some kind of weird gibberish!”

Owner: “Actually, they are speaking French, sir, as do most people in the province of Quebec.”

Customer: “What the h***?! We are not in f***** France! This is America and people speaks god d*** American! I don’t understand what the fuss is about! Is this some kind of a weird hipster thing? Young people trying to be cool or whatever?!”

Owner: “I’m sorry, sir. Is there anything I can do to help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for a poutine recipe book. Do you have any?”

Owner: “Of course! Right this way, sir.”

Customer: “Why do people want to speak French anyway? It is a dead language like Latin or Greek. We are in America and America is for American speakers! We don’t need no foreigners to come here and bring their weird language. And you shouldn’t encourage them by greeting American customers, in America, with any other language than American!”

Owner: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can no longer pretend that what you are saying is not wrong. Just so you know, people are speaking in French because Quebec was colonized by France more than 400 years ago. Quebec City is actually the oldest city in North America and has always been French. That is why everything from the street names to the billboards are in French! The Canadian dollar you’re holding is in both languages. Even the name poutine is French! Did you do any research before coming here?”

Customer: *hesitating* “Well, yeah! But the brochure was in English! How was I supposed to know that poutine was a French word. We have that in New York!”

Owner: “First of all, you can find pretzels in New York and those are German, or gelato which is Italian! It just proves that languages get mixed and influenced with time. That is also why there are cities in the United States that have French names, such as Baton Rouge or Des Moines! Those are all proofs that the French were present in North America hundreds of years ago! H***! Even the term ‘brochure’ is French!”

Customer: “That is irrelevant! You are all just lazy for not learning American! You live in the past, holding to some old bull-s*** language!”

Owner: “Well, I AM speaking English! And, by the way, it is ‘English’ and not ‘American’ because that language originated from England and not America. But I am also speaking French. How many languages do you speak?”

Customer: “I speak English and English only! I don’t need to know any other language!”

Owner: “Who’s being lazy, then?”