Unfiltered Story #160000

, , , | | Unfiltered | August 7, 2019

(American stand-up comedian Bill Engvall’s most famous routine involves his joke that stupid people should have to wear signs to warn other people away. This leads to his catchphrase “here’s your sign” which is used in response to people asking questions with overly-obvious answers. On this evening a couple has come into my store looking for the book American Gun by the late Chris Kyle –the author and film basis of American Sniper–. After finding the book for them this exchange happens)

Wife: “Is this the one that he wrote before he died?”
Husband (deadpan): “No honey, it’s the one he wrote after he died.”
Me: “Heeeeeere’s your sign.”

The Ticket To A Fun Afternoon

, , , , , | | Hopeless | July 22, 2019

(My husband and I are visiting America for the first time and are in Saint Louis. While at the top of the Gateway Arch, we see that a baseball game is starting in the nearby Busch Stadium so we make an impromptu decision to go to the game. Just as we approach the ticket desk, a couple intercepts us.)

Couple: “Are you going to buy tickets for the game?”

Me: “Uh, yeah.”

Couple: “We’re season ticket holders and we upgraded our tickets for tonight’s game. They let us keep our old tickets, so you can have ours for free.”

Me: *trying to decide how this scam works* “Oh, I dunno.”

Couple: “We’ll be honest with you; they’re not great seats, but it saves you buying tickets.”

Me: *still unsure and wishing I was psychic so I could read my husband’s mind*

Couple: *laughs* “I know you probably think we’re scamming you. Put it this way: if the tickets are valid, you can watch the game and hopefully have a good time. If the tickets are fake, they just won’t let you in but you haven’t spent any money so no loss. We just heard your accent and wanted to do something nice while you’re visiting us.”

Me: “Okay, let’s give it a shot. Are you sure you don’t want anything for the tickets?”

Couple: “Absolutely not. Enjoy!”

(With that, the couple gave us the tickets and disappeared before we could get their details. The tickets were valid and, to us, the seats were fantastic. We had a great view of all the action and really enjoyed the game. It’s one of my favourite stories to tell from our trip and it really made our day.)

You Made A Mistake And I CAN Put My Finger On It

, , , , , | | Learning | May 26, 2019

(I’m running a martial arts tournament. Before we start the tournament, we have a kids’ activity time where kids can break boards and play games. My sister is holding boards for an eight-year-old doing a kick. He misses and hits her fingers.)

Sister: “Next time, kick in the middle!”

Kid: “I did.”

Sister: “No, you did not.”

Kid: “Are you sure?”

Sister: “Yes, I’m very sure.”

Kid: “I could have sworn I hit in the middle!”

Sister: “The pain radiating through my fingers says otherwise.”

Kid: “Oh.”

Unfiltered Story #151660

, , , | | Unfiltered | May 20, 2019

I was behind a woman purchasing chocolate bars. She told the checker she was flying to Japan and asked him if the candy bars would melt on the plane. *sigh*

Dungeons And Duplo

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 2, 2019

The library I work at recently started a Dungeons and Dragons campaign that I decided to join outside of work. This particular incident happens during our second meeting. Because most of the group is new to playing, we are still in the process of creating our character sheets and learning a little about what the DM expects. We are meeting in the library’s main meeting space, which is the first room you come to from the side entrance; we’ve kept the door open in case anyone wishes to inquire and possibly join.

About 30 minutes into the meeting, a woman enters the library and stops in the doorway of the room. She’s wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap. She asks, “Is this the D & D class?”

Immediately, I’m suspicious, but as I am not working, I can’t officially do anything… yet. I tell her it is and ask if she would like to join us. Without a word, she storms into the room, lugging two giant suitcases behind her. Everyone is staring at her as she opens one of the suitcases and begins pulling out a bunched-up bed sheet. I ask her who she is, what she is doing and if she is planning on joining us. I also warn that if she’s planning on being a Dungeon Master, we already have one; we think maybe she has toys or figurines for us to play with.

As it turns out, the woman does want us to play… with blocks of Duplo Lego. Instead of answering our questions, she tells us to continue with our “meeting,” and that she will sit in the middle and play with the blocks. She begins handing out different colors to each of us, and I decide to try to ignore her enough to talk to the DM about something to do with my character. Sure enough, every time I try to talk, the woman loudly shuffles the blocks and then grows quieter when I stop.

I tell the woman that I work at the library and would like to know what she is doing, but I realize that she does not plan on leaving. I race out of the room to grab the assistant director, telling her that there is a woman who refuses to leave. The assistant director follows me back and tells the woman that she needs to leave if she does not wish to join our campaign. The woman asks if she can borrow a pair of headphones, pulling out a small radio covered in drawings of crosses and what I recognize to be Bible verses. The assistant director agrees and leaves the room only to come back with a copy of the library policy. She instructs us to pack up and go into her office while she talks to the woman. The woman immediately begins to clean up the Lego blocks and marches out of the building with suitcases in tow.

After a short discussion, the group decides that, despite being quite shaken up, we will continue to meet that day, but in the library’s locked basement to prevent a repeat of the event. As it turns out, the woman was super religious and was, in fact, protesting the Dungeons and Dragons campaign. While I’ve been aware that this happens everywhere, it was the first time it had happened directly to me. (Side note, our campaign is still going strong and our DM is amazing!)

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