You’d Better Return Your Time Turner

, , , , , | Learning | July 28, 2020

My senior year of high school, I have two study hall periods. About a week into the school year, one of the guidance counselors approaches me during study hall.

Counselor: “[My Name], why haven’t you been attending cooking class?”

Me: “Because I’m not taking cooking class?”

Counselor: “You’re on the class roster and you’ve been marked absent every day.”

Me: “That’s weird. It’s not on my course schedule.”

Counselor: “Huh. Did you sign up for it?”

Me: “No. I signed up freshman year, but I switched classes a couple of weeks in, and I definitely didn’t sign up for it this year.”

Counselor: “Do you want to take it?”

Me: “No.”

Counselor: “Okay, I guess we’ll remove you from the class, then.”

It was admittedly unusual for a student to have two Study Halls, and I initially assumed that the cooking class took place during one of my two study halls, but I later learned that it actually shared the same time block as my AP Calculus class. Apparently, I was supposed to be in two places at once. Very strange.

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Can’t Get Drunk Off Your Power

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2020

I am twenty-one years old and manage a liquor store. This throws a lot of our customers off as I am the youngest person working there. I also look very young. An irate customer approaches my forty-year-old male coworker.

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager now!

Coworker: “[My Name], come here, please. Someone wants to speak to you.”

Me: “What can I help you with today, sir?”

Customer: “You’re the manager? You can’t be! You’re a woman and you only look sixteen!”

Me: “Well, sir, I am the manager. Now, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “This guy says he won’t take back this bottle. I don’t want it. Someone said it was gross.”

Me: “We won’t take back that bottle. After it leaves the store, there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s state law.”

The bottle he has is one of my favorite bottles of alcohol.

Customer: “Well, I don’t want it and I want my money back.”

He keeps ranting and raving for about another twenty minutes. My coworker walks to another register to take care of the line that’s building up behind him. A regular customer of mine, who also happens to be one of my close friends, gets tired of listening to this guy repeat himself and adds his own two cents.

Friend: “Listen, man, she’s said about twenty times she’s not going to give you your money back for that bottle. Now, why don’t you shut up and get the f*** out of here?”

The irate customer stares blankly at my friend for a good thirty seconds before he sheepishly picks up his bottle and hurries out of the store.

Friend: “Is that stuff really gross? Because it looked amazing.”

Me: “It is amazing. You should go see if he’ll give it to you.”

The other customers in the store had a good laugh about that.

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Unfiltered Story #198710

, , , | Unfiltered | June 27, 2020

(Before we open on a Tuesday)

Assistant Manager: “What were you and [Store Manager] wearing on Sunday?”
Me: “I don’t remember. Why?”
AM: “I got the strangest phone call yesterday. The woman started right off yelling at me: *whiny voice* ‘I’ve never been so disgusted in my life! I was in here yesterday, and I don’t know if she’s a d%ke or what, but your sales person kept flashing her t!tt!es at me! I’m cutting up my credit card, and I’m never coming back there again!’ And then she hung up before I could get a word in. Well, when she used that kind of language I knew she was more than a little off, but [the other AM] and I have been going crazy trying to figure out what either of you could have been wearing, since the two of you are probably the most conservative dressers in the store!”
Me: “Geez. Did you email [Regional Manager]?” ( we tend to email both our RM and the corporate office the minute we tangle with a customer, to get our side of the story in first in case a complaint is made)
AM: “Nah, I’ll just tell [Store Manager] when she comes in this afternoon and let her decide what she wants to do about it. I figure that woman’s just a crank.”

(It took me three days, until I was sorting the laundry into loads, to remember what top I’d worn that day. It was a solid t-shirt from our store, something I own in six different colors to wear with patterned skirts. They make up about half of my warm-weather work wardrobe. I’ve been wearing them to work for three or four years now. I’m more than a little offended, not so much for myself as for my co-workers who are not straight. I’m glad that woman isn’t coming back, in case she said something homophobic here in the store.)

The Theme Song Of All Cat Owners: Mischief

, , , , , | Friendly | June 23, 2020

I’m talking to a friend late one night online. 

Friend: “Your alarm sound is technically your theme song since it plays at the start of every episode.”

Me: “My theme song is apparently the sound of my cat trying to get behind the closed blinds.”

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That’s One Shrimpy Portion

, , , , | Right | June 21, 2020

A customer walks up to my seafood counter.

Customer: “I’d like half a dozen of these shrimp.”

The customer points to the smallest cooked shrimp that we sell. I look at her briefly, to make sure she isn’t joking. I take six shrimp from the pile and weigh them on the scale.

Customer:That’s half a dozen?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Six is half of twelve.”

Customer: “I meant half a pound.”

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