Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “What can you do for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, in regards to what specifically?”

Customer: “Well, I spend a lot of money with you guys and I don’t know if I should be talking to you or what but I want to know what you can do for me?”

Me: “Other than deliver great products at a great price quickly to your door?”

Customer: “I mean, is there a rewards program or something? I want something free for all my purchases.”

Me: “Sir, I see you are using a store Visa card with us. That does give you cash back on every purchase. I’m not exactly sure what it is you are asking, however. You’d like me to give you free products because you shop with us?”

Customer: “I guess I’m not talking to the right person.”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think there is a right person.”

Customer: “Just transfer me to someone else.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(That was my first call of the day. No ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ or explanation. Just ‘what can you do for me?’ Wow.)

(I work at a large chain farm store that is very popular in the midwest. I have really bad anxiety so I’m not usually on the register, but today I am helping out since we are short on cashiers. An older man in his 50s comes up to my register.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Store]!”

Customer: “Hello, young lady! I’d just like these plants here.”

(He has two full carts of different trees and plants so it takes me a while to ring him up. While I’m ringing him up, he is telling me about how much he loves the store.)

Me: “That will be $115.73.”

Customer: “You have such a beautiful smile and beautiful hair.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Customer: “Your boyfriend is so lucky!”

Me: “I don’t have a boyfriend. I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

Customer: “What? Why the h*** not?! You’re gorgeous! Your last boyfriend must be crazy for splitting up with you!”

Me: “Actually I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

Customer: “WHAT! OH MY F****** GOD! WHY THE H*** NOT?!”

Me: “Well, guys never talk to me and I’m too nervous to talk to them myself.”

Customer: “But you’re talking to me? I’m a guy!”

Me: “Yeah but you’re a customer. I don’t have any problems talking to customers.”

Customer: “I can be more than a customer.”

Me: “That will be $115.73, sir.”

(The customer pays while smiling creepily at me and I’m very uncomfortable at this point.)

Customer: “What time do you get off? I will come pick you up later!”

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

(My store is giving every staff member appraisals before we move to a new building. I have mine with one of our store directors. Note: I have recently had knee surgery and so am moving around quite slowly, particularly on the stairs.)

Director: “Okay, [My Name] so the last thing I need to ask is what your future goals are. Do you have any plans?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know. Finish university, I guess. Start walking like a normal person, maybe?”

Director: “Oooh, can I put that you want to get up the stairs faster than an old lady?”

Me: *assumes she’s joking* “Sure, why not.”

(When my manager gave me a copy of the appraisal forms a week later, I see that under the heading of future plans my director has actually written “Most important aim – Get up stairs faster than an old lady. Least important aim – Finish university.” I’m not quite sure she got my priorities right…)

(I’m in the electronics department, covering for the guy who is usually there. A call comes in for me. The caller sounds like a guy in his late teens or early twenties.)

Caller: “Hi. Do you guy’s have any more PS4s?”

Me: “Nope, we’re sold out.”

Caller: “Okay. Thanks. I love you. Good bye.” *hangs up*

(I just looked at the phone, then chuckled at him being on autopilot.)

(I have decided to crochet a blanket using the color of the rainbow, so my sister and I go to a store and place six skeins of yarn on the belt: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. The cashier is a teenage boy.)

Cashier: “That’s a lot of yarn!”

Me: “Yeah, I’m making a blanket and wanted the colors of the rainbow.”

Cashier: *stares at yarn for a moment* “Since when is yellow in the rainbow?”

(I start to smile but realize he’s serious. My sister and I give each other a look.)

Me: “Since forever.”

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