(Two customers come in for lunch and want to eat outside on the deck. I take their order, bring it to them, and periodically check on them to make sure everything is going well. I come back again at the end of their meal.)

Me: “So, how was everything? Would you like dessert, or would this be all for you ladies today?”

Customer #1: “Everything was great, thank you.”

Customer #2: “It was great, and I don’t want to sound rude, but I’m going to criticize.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer #2: “You’re on the river. You should be a fine dining establishment. You shouldn’t have the trees dropping pine cones and other stuff on the deck. And you should get rid of the spider webs.”

(Customer #1 is looking at Customer #2 indicating that she would like her to shut up.)

Me: “We clean the deck off a few times a week, but the wind has been picking up lately, and stuff keeps falling from the trees. Would you like me to ask the spiders if they would kindly stop building their webs on the deck every night also?”

Customer #2: “If you would do that, that would be great!”

Customer #1: “And I suppose you want her to ask the trees to stop dropping things on the deck too?”

Customer #2: “Yes! Please do it!”

(Fortunately, Customer #1 apologized to me as soon as they were walking out the door.)

(My parents are visiting me at college, and they decide to take me out for dinner. My dad used to be a waiter himself, and whenever we go out he likes to poke fun at the wait staff – all in good humor.)

Host: *after seating us* “So, your server tonight will be [name], and she’ll be able to answer any questions you have, okay?”

(He goes away, and after a few minutes of small talk and menu browsing, the server does indeed come over.)

Server: “Hi there, can I take your drink orders now?”

Me: “I’ll have a Coke.”

Mom: “A Diet Coke for me.”

Dad: “Jack Daniels. Neat.”

Server: “Okay then, and is there anything else I can help you with?”

Dad: “Yeah actually, when am I gonna die?”

Server: *sputtering* “Wha- I don’t… what!?”

Dad: “Well the host said you’d be able to answer any questions I had!”

(It is my first day on the register at a new job. I am learning very quickly that my general manager isn’t quite all there. We are in the middle of the lunch rush.)

Manager: “[My Name], what are you doing?! Why haven’t you wiped down these tables?”

Me: “I’m sorry. The line has been nonstop. I haven’t had a moment to—”

Manager: “I’m going to the bank now and when I come back I expect these tables to be spotless. Remember, a cashier never stands still.”

Me: “O-okay.”

(The line stretches to the door the entire time she’s gone and I never get a chance to move. She comes back about 15 minutes later.)

Manager: “Nice job on those tables, [My Name]. Keep up the good work.”

(I am in a recently opened restaurant. I overhear this conversation at the table next to me. At the table is a large family.)

Customer: “Has there ever been another restaurant in this building? The place looks so familiar.”

Waitress: “I do not know. The building has been vacant for many years.”

Customer: “I remember the stained glass windows and the spiral stairs. I am sure I have been here before.”

(Just then, another waiter passes the table.)

Waitress: “Do you know if there has ever been another restaurant in this place?”

Waiter: “No. Until they went out of business a few years ago this place was a brothel.”

(There was an awkward silence at the table.)

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(The head manager comes in on his day off to eat lunch. I’m about to serve a customer.)

Me: “Hi, and welcome to [Fast Food Place]. What can I get you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have the—”

(Suddenly, my manager decides to cut the entire line and steps in front.)

Manager: “Yes. I’ll have a number 1 and 3 to go.”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, but I was assisting this customer before you.”

Customer: “Yeah. You also skipped the entire line, buddy.”

Manager: *to customer* “Buddy? Do you know who I am? I’m the head manager here and I can do whatever the h*** I want! And if you don’t like it you can get the h*** out!”

(I have no clue what to do, when the following happens.)

Customer: “So you’re the head manager? Huh. Well, I’m that guy.

(The customer points to a portrait on the wall next to the counter. It is the portrait of the CEO of the company. The customer proved his identity with his ID, and he pulled the head manager into his office for a talk.)