Entering is easy:
(I’m the customer in this story. I am with my girlfriend and her sister checking out one of the many Halloween stores that just opened up. I have purple and blue hair, a snapback on, and facial piercings, and my arm is around my girlfriend’s shoulders. An older woman approaches me.)
Woman: *says something I don’t catch*
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Woman: “Women’s restroom?”
Me: “Uh, I don’t know. I don’t work here.”
Woman: *walks off*
(I didn’t realize until she left that she must have thought that the fact that I was wearing a lanyard meant I was working. It was a Batman lanyard with my girlfriend’s car keys on it.)
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(I am a PhD student. It is 7 pm on Friday night, and everyone is down at the pub, except for me. I have just come back from an experiment. To my great surprise one of my coworkers is still at her desk.)
Me: “Oh, you’re still here.”
Coworker: “I’m about to go. A guy called your phone just now, looking for Mr. ‘No-One-Who-Works-In-Our-Office.'”
Me: “Huh. Must have got the wrong number.”
Coworker: *suddenly looking pained* “I tried to tell him that. But it was really weird. He said he would call back in a few minutes, though. I think you better wait to speak to him. Anyway, I’m off. See you Monday!”
(I get on with some paperwork. About 20 minutes later, the call comes.)
Me: “Hello, this is room [Room Name]. You’re speaking to—”
Caller: “Hello. Please pass me on to Mr [Name].”
(I don’t recognize the name.)
Me: “Ah, it is you! You called before. I’m afraid you got the wrong number—”
Caller: “This is about my son. I want Mr. [Name] to send me the financial statements for his enrollment. It is a very urgent matter and I want them immediately.”
Me: “Yes, I’m afraid you have the wrong number. There’s no person by that name in this office. I think my colleague was trying to tell you before—”
Caller: “So, he is out? In that case, I will give you my son’s name and student number and you will tell Mr [Name] to telephone me as soon as he returns. My son’s name is—”
Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that for you. I have never heard of that person, so I wouldn’t be able to pass anything on to him. It sounds to me like you want to get admin or accounts or someone like that.”
Caller: “That’s right. I am calling international accounts.”
Me: “Erm, I’m afraid you’re not. This is one of the PhD offices. You have the wrong number. Actually, hang on, let me find the right number for you—”
(I pull up the university search page to find the right number for him. I am quite new myself and know that it can be a confusing system, especially since it sounds like English is not the caller’s first language. Before I can get it for him, however, he starts shouting.)
Caller: “How can I have the wrong number? HOW? I cannot understand how this can happen.”
Me: “Maybe you wrote it down wrong? Or pressed the wrong button? I don’t know how because, well, I’m not you. But I’m trying to get the right one for you.”
Caller: “Mr [Name] told me to call this number. How can he tell me the wrong number? What sort of institution is this? It is completely unprofessional! This is how things are run in this country. Every time I call it is like this, some excuse to waste my time. I called only two minutes ago and was speaking to Mr [Name], and he told me to call this number back. He wouldn’t give me the wrong number. You are just trying to slack off work! You are lying so you don’t have to help me!”
Me: “Erm, I don’t know what to say to you except that you definitely have it wrong somehow. There are only six people in this office and he’s not one of them. And you didn’t call this office two minutes ago because I was here and the phone didn’t ring. Unless you mean about 20 minutes ago, in which case you would have called [Coworker], who is a girl and is definitely not the guy you’re looking for. It sounds to me like you simply got the wrong number somehow. I’m sure he wouldn’t have given it to you deliberately, but maybe he made a mistake. It’s pretty easy to do.”
Caller: “So, are refusing to help me?”
Me: “I’m not sure that I can, really. But I’ve been trying to find the right number through the university website for you so—”
Caller: “I don’t want to call again. You will write down my son’s name like I told you and find out about his accounts for me.”
Me: “I beg your pardon?”
Caller: “Write down his name and find out the information I want. Then call me back straight away as this is a very urgent matter. I will give you my phone number. I don’t want to call back here again. I am overseas and it is too expensive and have been wasting too much of my time and money already!”
Me: “But they’re closed. It’s 7:30 on a Friday night! And—”
Caller: “So do it on Monday morning! But do it first thing and call me as soon as possible.”
Me: “And I don’t even work in accounts!”
Caller: “What?”
Me: “I don’t work there. There I do not work. Work there, I do not. I am a student. I am not responsible for helping you find out about your son. They don’t pay my wages. I don’t work in accounts! This is not an accounts office!”
Caller: “You… don’t work for accounts?”
Me: *relieved* “Yes! That’s what I’ve been trying to say!”
Caller: “THEN WHY HAVE YOU BEEN WASTING MY TIME?!”
(He hangs up. Another coworker walks in to find me still gaping at the receiver.)
Coworker #2: “You look like you need a drink.”
Me: “You have no idea.”
(I went to check out a sale at a clothing store. While browsing the clothing racks, a lady runs up to and violently grabs my arm and start yelling at me.)
Customer: “About d*** time someone showed up. I’ve been looking for you for ten minutes now!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Don’t give me that! I give you guys a lot of my hard earned money and all I get is crappy service.”
Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m sorry, but I think you—”
Customer: “Now listen here. I don’t have time for this. I’ve got places to be, so just do your d*** job and help me!”
Me: “Ma’am, I don’t work here.”
Customer: “Work, you got that right! You just get paid to sit on your fat a**. If it was up to me you’d be fired!”
(At this point the store manager has heard the commotion and comes over to see what the problem is.)
Manager: “Excuse me, ladies. Is there a problem here?”
(Customer angrily points at me.)
Customer: “Yes, there’s a problem! Your sorry excuse of employees stand around all day while your customers have to suffer!”
(Looking at me, the manager understands what’s going on and is trying to not burst out laughing.)
Manager: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, but if you would have asked a store associate for assistance instead of yelling at another customer, perhaps we could have assisted you.”
Customer: “Well, I never!”
(Confused, the lady looks at me and finally realizes I’m not wearing a store uniform or name tag.)
Customer: “Oh, um… Ah, I think I’ll just come back later.”
(Looking extremely embarrassed the lady rushes out of the store without even apologizing.)
Manager: “I’m sorry, miss. Are you all right?”
Me: “I’m really confused but yeah. I guess. Are all your customers like that?”
Manager: “That’s not even the worst of it.”
(I am 17 and have finished my shift at a supermarket, and go straight to a consumer electronics shop. I am still wearing my work uniform, which is similar in colour to the shop that I am in. A customer comes up to me, obviously angry, carrying a bag with a laptop in it.)
Customer: “Excuse me. I bought this laptop last week and it has stopped working already. This is disgraceful for a £500 piece of—”
Me: “Sorry, mate, I don’t actually—”
Customer: “Don’t you interrupt me, and I am certainly not your mate. I paid £500 for this and it won’t even turn on now. I want you to fix it right now or—”
Me: “Woah, woah, woah! I don’t actually work—”
Customer: “Listen to me! Fix this now or give me my money back!”
Me: “But you need to speak to someone who actually works at—”
Customer: “Don’t fob me off with this s***. You work here. You sort it out. I’m not going to be passed from one member of staff to the other. This is typical of this company. Employing young, inexperienced idiots who don’t give two f***s!”
Me: “Okay, sir. What I suggest you need to do is get your laptop. Open it up, turn it on, and wait for Windows to load up. Once it has loaded up, we’ll put the recovery disc in. Then, I want you to take your laptop, and stick it up your a**, you ignorant c***.”
Customer: *inaudible explosion of expletives and demands to speak to the manager*
