(My mother has a tendency to fuss when she’s anxious. With my sister, her preferred topic is clothing. It is shortly before our grandmother’s funeral.)
Mum: “Why won’t you let me trim your hair?”
Sister: “I just got it cut two days ago.”
Mum: “Are you really going to wear that shirt?”
Sister: “This shirt was a present from [Aunt] at Christmas, you said it was very nice.”
Mum: “At least let me lend you some shoes.”
Sister: “You already did! These are your shoes!
(My boyfriend and I are both fans of the British actor/writer/director Stephen Fry. I’ve been a fan for a few years, while my boyfriend has become one only recently. We’re in bed, cuddling. I’m a girl.)
Boyfriend: “Honey, is it wrong to have a little man-crush on Stephen Fry?”
Me: “Aw, honey, no. Everyone has a crush on Stephen. It’s a state of being.”
Boyfriend: “Good!”
(A while later, he leans over to me to kiss me on the cheek.)
Boyfriend: *whispers* “Stephen…”
(I’m 4 years old, and have been watching TV. I come running into the kitchen.)
Me: “Mummy, mummy! We need to go to the shops!”
Mum: “Why’s that, sweetie?”
Me: “The TV said that we need to eat ‘less sugar’. We don’t have any! Can we go and buy some ‘less sugar’, please?”
(My boyfriend is about to go to a store called Appie’s.)
Boyfriend: “I think I’m going to the mall now.”
Me: “Good luck on thy Quest of Shopping!”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, one drink to rule them all.”
Me: “One shopping list to find them!”
Boyfriend: “One cart to bring them all.”
Me: “And in the Appie, bind them!”
(My sister is a great cook, but very ditzy. She has just put the turkey in the oven for Thanksgiving. My mother is a great prankster.)
Mom: *to my sister* “Honey, we’re out of chicken broth. Can you run to the store and grab some more?”
Sister: “Sure, Mom.”
(She leaves.)
Mom: *opening the oven and taking the turkey out* “Open the fridge, hun.”
Me: *opening the fridge* “Why? What are you doing?”
Mom: “Just check the crisper drawer.”
Me: *pulls out a Cornish game hen* “What?”
Mom: “Here, season it.”
(I do as she says. My mother slides it inside the turkey’s cavity, and sticks it back in the oven. I start to get a sense of what she’s doing. Later, my sister is carving the turkey before the extended family.)
Sister: “Ohmigod!” *tugs out the Cornish game hen*
Mom: “You’ve cooked a pregnant turkey!”
Sister: “Ohmigod!” *bursts out sobbing*
(It took us a half-hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!)
This story is part of the Thanksgiving 2021 roundup!
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