Handy Information
(My fiancé and I are lying in bed being silly.)
Fiancé: “Do you know why girls have two boobs?”
Me: “… No.”
Fiancé: “Because guys have two hands.”
Take A Shot Of Make-Believe
(I’m coming down with something, and have been coughing something terrible for the last few days. We have run out of cough medicine in pill form.)
Mom: *hands me liquid cough medicine*
Me: *makes face*
Mom: “Just pretend it’s a shot!”
Me: “I hate shots!”
Mom: “Well, pretend it’s Jello!”
Me: “But Jello actually tastes good!”
Mom: “WELL, THEN, PRETEND IT TASTES GOOD!”
Just Soldiered On Through That Little Lie
(I met my husband when we were both in our mid-20s and he was in the military, living in an all-male dormitory. Fast forward 10 years, and I’m chatting with my mother about when I used to go visit him.)
Me: “… and the bed was so small we could barely fit.”
Mother: “But, you used to sleep in the visitors room. Didn’t you?”
Me: “What?”
Mother: “When you visited, you told me he stayed in his room and you slept in a room set aside especially for visitors.”
Me: “And you BELIEVED me?”
This List Is Full Of Hot Air
(My mother-in-law offers to go to the grocery store for everyone.)
Mother-In-Law: *reading list* “Okay, sandwich stuff, bread…. fart juice? What in the world is fart juice?”
Spouse: “Jeez, Mom. Fruit juice!”
Mother-In-Law: “Well, your handwriting is awful!”
Spouse: “Well, you’re the one who read a shopping list and got fart juice out of it! Why would your mind even go there? What the heck is fart juice anyway?”
Me: “I… don’t want to know.”
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Putting The Disco Into Disconcerting
(I am a fashion fan and a traveler. My signature collection is t-shirts from the places that I’ve traveled. In this case, I’m wearing my 9/11 Memorial t-shirt with “In the darkness we shine brightest” printed in the shape of the twin towers. My roommate is sitting across from me, looking confused.)
Roommate: “What are you wearing?”
Me: “My shirt from NYC and…” *I look down to check* “My Kate Spade rose-gold and pave-crystal idiom pendant.”
Roommate: “It looks like a disco ball came to the two towers…
Me: “That is such an inappropriate mental image!”
(Needless to say, I’ve never worn the two together again.)