(I’m the oldest of five children. The sister closest in age to me and I do not get along very well, and I generally find her irritating. My youngest sister is a toddler, and is pestering me to play with her by pushing and pulling on my legs while I lay on the couch. I’ve just got done babysitting her all day and my patience is running thin.)
Me: “All done. No more.”
Baby Sister: *ignores me*
Me: “I said no more.”
Baby Sister: *ignores me*
Me: “Ugh, [Older Sister], knock it off!”
Mother: “Did you just call her [Older Sister]?”
Me: “Well, usually [Older Sister] is the one who’s annoying me! It was a reflex!”
(Me and my wife both love eating white bread with Nutella on it. When one of us wants to eat one, we ask the other as well.)
Me: “Would you like Nutella bread?”
Wife: “Nah, I’m good!”
Me: “Are you really sure?”
Wife: “Yes, I’m good. I’m going to bed in a moment.”
Me: “Okay, then!”
(I go and make two of slices of bread and go to my wife again.)
Me: “Are you sure you don’t want one? I made two.”
Wife: “Well… since you made one…” *grabs one of the breads*
Me: “I know you so well!”
(I’m an au pair in Ireland. I’m bringing the six-year-old girl I’m minding to bed. Earlier that day I told her about a friend of mine who just had a baby. The family is very religious.)
Child: “So, do you have babies?”
Me: *not thinking* “No, I’ve been careful.”
Child: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Well you know, when a man and a woman— Wait. Do you know where the babies come from?”
Child: “Yes. God puts babies in mummy’s tummy.”
Me: *panicking* “Um, well… I don’t have babies because I told God that I didn’t want any.”
(My sister has long, pretty hair.)
Me: “Hey, sis, what have you done with your hair lately? It looks even better than usual!”
Sister: “Oh, I stopped using normal shampoo. There’s too much silicone in there, and parabens. Those can build up around each individual hair, not allowing the conditioner to get through. I use soap instead. I also make sure that there aren’t any too aggressive surfactants in there, like sodium laureth sulfate. And I pour a mixture of water and vinegar over my head after washing my hair. The vinegar is an astringent, which gives a little extra shine…”
(She pauses and starts laughing.)
Me: “What’s so funny?”
Sister: “The awkward moment when you realize your hair care routine sounds like chemistry lesson.”
(My sister and I are having a baking marathon. Currently there’s a cake in the oven which takes an hour.)
Me: “I’m gonna run to the store real quick, I forgot to pick up icing. I should be back in time, but in case I’m not back in 45 minutes, watch the cake. Okay?”
Sister: “The store is five minutes away…”
Me: “That’s right! If I’m not back in 45 minutes, forget the d*** cake and go look for me!”
