(At my job, I am known for my costumes and my charitable work. There is a big event coming at the end of the month where I have roped in several friends that are also costumers. We’ll be there to cheer on the children during the event and mingle with the kids beforehand.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], are you bringing out your kids for the event at the end of the month?”

Coworker: “Oh, yeah. Thanks for letting me know about it. I didn’t have a chance to come out last time!”

Me: “They’ll get a kick out of it for sure. Your son’s a big Spider-Man fan, so I’ll make sure to high-five him when he comes into the finish line.”

(Her eyes narrow, and she gives me a once-over.)

Coworker: “Wait, you’re Spider-Man?”

Me: “Yeah, I thought everyone knew that. That’s my go-to costume for children’s events. Why?”

Coworker: “But… your butt.”

Me: “My… what?”

Coworker: “Were you the guy in the costume at [Last Company Event], too?”

Me: “Yeah, why?”

Coworker: “But your butt looks different.”

Me: “Were you checking me out in costume at the event?”

Coworker: “Maybe?” *gives me the once over again before walking away*

Me: “… I need a shower and an adult.”

(The customer is calling us to let her know her services are out.)

Me: “Aha. It looks like the network box for the house just lost contact with us. There isn’t anything in its logs showing us the power went out, so I think we should be all right.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. What causes that, anyway?”

Me: “It could be any number of things. Short-term loss of power, the box gets a quick enough surge of power to confuse it—”

Caller: “Aliens?”

Me: “I’m not ruling that out either. That reminds me. I need to pick up some foil on the way home. Thanks.”

(The caller and everyone on her end of the call burst out laughing at that. We continue on, and we’re setting the ticket up.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve got the green light to send the tech out tomorrow morning.”

Caller: “Hang on a second. I’ll put my friend on. She’ll be here tomorrow to meet the tech.”

(The caller puts her friend on the line. I get her contact info and add it to the ticket.)

Me: “Are there any access restrictions like dogs on the property, a locked fence, anything like that?”

Friend: “I think there might be zombies in the yard. Is that going to be a problem? I think she’s also got a vampire stalking her that might be in her yard.”

Me: “Don’t worry. Our techs have everything they need on their truck to handle anything. About the vampires: they should have some stakes and garlic on the truck, unless it’s a Twilight-type vampire in which case they have whiskey and a Motorhead CD just in case.”

(The caller and her friend start laughing even harder. I submit the appointment.)

Me: “Ma’am, I want to thank you both for choosing [Provider]. We look forward to seeing you tomorrow. On a side note, this call just made my night. Thanks, you two.”

This story is part of the Zombies roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Stories That Prove Bad Customers Are Scarier Than Vampires

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(I work in retention for a major credit card company. One of the strictest rules in our department is that, while you can suggest strongly that a customer hang up or call back, you cannot drop the call.)

Customer: “I was wondering if we could talk about my interest rate. I was noticing on my last- OH, GOD!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “OH! OH, GOD!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you all right?”

Customer: “I’m fine. My husband just fondled my breast.”

(I turn bright red and her breathing becomes heavy.)

Customer: “OH, GOD, YES!”

Me: “Ma’am, if this is a bad time…”

Customer: “NO! I was saying, on my last statement, I noticed that my APR… OH, OH, OH, GOD, YES!”

(From the grunting and moaning on the other end of the line, I deduce that this is not just… um… a fondle. All this time, the woman keeps telling me that she wants to know if we can lower her APR. I finally had to mute the phone, turn down the mind-blowing orgasm that my customer was having and then answer her questions when she could focus again. Most awkward moment ever.)

(I’m on the phone, trying to resolve an issue where the cable company has mistakenly logged my account as disconnected.)

Me: “I’m a little confused. The e-mail I received from you says that my account was disconnected, but I still have cable service.”

Employee: “Well, that can’t be possible. You are disconnected. A technician went out to your residence and physically disconnected the lines yesterday.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think you’re understanding me. That didn’t happen. My cable and internet are still working. The lines have NOT been disconnected. If you have my account categorized as disconnected, why am I still receiving cable service?”

Employee: “Well, there may just be some leftover service in the lines. That will get less and less strong as it finishes out and gets used up. That happens sometimes.”

Me: “Leftover service in the lines? Like water in a pipe?”

Employee: “Exactly like that. There is just leftover cable and internet in the lines. It’ll run out soon.”

Me: “You do realize that cable and internet are not physical things that flow through a line, right?”

Employee: “No, I don’t think that’s correct. The service goes through the wires and into your home, just like water through a pipe. You just have some leftover service in your wires.”

Me: “…Can I speak to your supervisor?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. I am [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to cancel my account.”

(Everything is going normal until I tell him he is cancelled. Normally I ask if there’s anything else, the customer says “no” and they hang up. Instead this gentleman begins discussing a pyramid scheme his son is running that he’s been putting money in. He keep telling me details hoping I’ll join. I am creeped out and refusing to provide personal answers while giving non-committal answers. Eventually I realize that he doesn’t care what I say, so I put him on mute.)

Customer: “Yeah, and the government will never help. I know because I’m a veteran. My son is a great businessman. It’s hard to get returns like this! I’ll be a millionaire soon!”

(Eventually…)

Customer: “What time is it?”

Me: “It’s [time].”

Customer: “Well, I should probably go. But I’ll tell my son that I told you about it. What was your name again?”

Me: “It’s [Really Common First Name]. Have a good day, sir.”

Customer: “I will. And thank you for listening to a crazy old man! I don’t have a job any more, so I get really lonely. You have a good day, and find someone so you aren’t lonely!”