(I am 19 years old and keep getting junk mail from a certain organization that caters to people over 60. I call them to have them take me off their mailing list.)

Me: “Hello. I’d like to be taken off of your mailing list.”

Employee: “Oh, but have you heard about the benefits of being a member of [Organization]?”

Me: “That’s nice but—”

Employee: “You can get discounts on health care, on food, even on certain specialty cell phone plans!”

Me: “Yes, I understand but—”

Employee: “It’s all very important for a senior citizen living in this economy!”

Me: “Okay—”

Employee: “So, when would you like to start?”

Me: “In about 40 years. I’m 19.”

Employee: “…”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Employee: “I’ll take you off the mailing list right away.”

(I work for a cable services call center where sometimes customers call in thinking they’re talking to their local cable store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I want my credit card back right now!”

Me: *confused* “I… I’m sorry ma’am. What do you mean?”

Customer: “You heard me! I gave you guys my credit card a week ago. I want it back right now or else I’m going to call the police!”

Me: *still confused* “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Could you please explain your situation to me so that I can better assist you?”

(The customer goes on to explain this really bizarre story where she was walking to her local cable store to make a payment, but they were closed by the time she got there. She tore off the bottom portion of her billing statement, the part that you detach and mail along with a check payment, and put that in an envelope along with her credit card and a note that read, “please process payment and mail to forwarding address.” She then dropped that envelope into the drop box near the cable store entrance. This woman actually assumed someone at the store would process her payment and mail her credit card back to her, which didn’t happen. I am sitting in my chair silently dumbfounded for at least 10 seconds at the sheer stupidity of this customer.)

Customer: “Hello? Are you there, sir?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I apologize for the long pause. I’m sorry but you are actually speaking to the call center and not the store. Have you spoken to your bank yet regarding the issue?”

Customer: “No! Because you guys have my credit card and I want it back!! Are you going to make me drive all the way to the store just to get my card back?”

Me: “That’s actually unnecessary as they might not be able to help you anyway. For one thing, there’s a strong possibility your card has been stolen, and—”

Customer: “What the f***! What am I suppose to do now?”

Me: “The first thing you want to do is contact your bank to let them know your card has been stolen.”

Customer: *in a sarcastic tone* “And why should I have to do your dirty work?”

Me: *in a similar sarcastic tone* “Because we’re not the ones who put a credit card into a drop box intended for check payments only.”

Customer: “Well, smarta**, how was I suppose to make my payment, then?”

Me: “Ma’am, you do realize that you could’ve make your payment over the phone, right?”

Customer: “Pfft, you expect me to trust one of your reps with my credit card information?”

Me: “Considering you dropped your credit card into a drop box blindly trusting one of the store employees to return it back to you… YES!”

Customer: “This is f***** ridiculous! Transfer me to the department that will cancel my service. I don’t want to do business with crooks!”

Me: “Sure. One moment, please.”

(I transferred the lady to the retention department where I explained to the rep the bizarre story. We had a good laugh at the woman’s expense. I would later receive an e-mail from the same rep stating the notations I left behind were e-mailed to everyone in her department and mine. Everyone was in agreement that I had the craziest customer service story in the entire company.)

This story is part of the Customers-Causing-Recessions roundup!

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(I am answering phones at a company which provides a free trial service of our main product, which we mostly sell to other businesses. Unfortunately, what many people who sign up for the trial want to do is to run ‘Minecraft’ servers, and rarely ever pay us at the end of the trial, so we institute a policy of not allowing game servers of any sort of our trial.)

Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

(The caller is pre-pubescent.)

Caller: “Uh, I work for Mojang…?”

Me: “No. No, you don’t.” *click*

(My coworkers look over and stare at me for a bit. I explained, but am interrupted by the phone ringing again from the same number. I switch on the speakerphone.)

Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, Uh, I work for Mojang. I’d like a free trial…?”

Me: “Certainly. I’ll just need you to send us an email from your Mojang email address.”

(I keep a straight face and voice while the rest of the office cracks up in the background.)

Caller: *click*

(He emailed and called in a few more times trying to get a trial, at first claiming to be from Mojang, then claiming to be from his dad’s company. We somehow saw through his cunning ploy each time. He finally fessed up that he was twelve and just wanted to play ‘Minecraft.’ We thanked him for his honesty, but did not give him a trial.)

(I work in customer service and take calls to schedule house inspections.)

Me: “Welcome to [Business]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: *in very thick accent* “Yes, hello? I got a letter from you to book an appointment.”

Me: “Of course. Can you give me the six-digit number on that letter, please?”

Caller: “No, no number.”

Me: “It should be right on the letter you received, right above our phone number.”

Caller: “No, no number.”

Me: “No problem. May I have your address instead, please?”

Caller: “Uhm, address… It’s in [City].”

Me: “All right, and on which street?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Which address do you live on?”

Caller: “No address.”

Me: “Perhaps I can try your name instead?”

Caller: “I don’t know name.”

Me: *very clearly* “What is your name?”

Caller: “I don’t know what my name is.”

Me: *very confused now* “Excuse me, but I have to have some information from you to be able to find you in the system or make the appointment. Your name, your address, or your phone number?”

Caller: “Yes, yes, I understand, but I don’t know my name.”

Me: “I… I’m sorry… how can you not know your name?”

(The caller suddenly starts laughing hysterically.)

Caller: “Sorry, I can’t do this anymore! It’s [Colleague]. Wow, you have the most amazing patience! I’m stuck on the freeway and will be about 10 minutes late. Can you please tell [Boss] for me?”

(The reason I never realized this was a fake call was because, sadly, it was not even close to the weirdest calls I’ve had.)

(Our company sells high-tech gadgets for use with RC planes and helicopters, such as GPS locators and infrared sensors.)

Customer: “Hello. I’m trying to order your GPS unit, but I don’t want to put my credit card number online.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t have a way to take a credit card order over the phone. The only thing I could do is bring up the website and enter it there myself.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not putting my credit card number out on the Internet!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that entering your credit card information on our encrypted website is much more secure than reading it off to me over the telephone. But we also take PayPal, if you don’t want to involve your credit card at all.”

Customer: *grumbling* “Okay.” *hangs up*

Coworker: *overhearing the conversation* “Did someone have a security issue with the website?”

Me: “No, he just wants military satellites to be able to track his model airplane’s precise location… but he’s afraid of e-commerce.”