Nothing Says Christmas Like Tropical Fruit

, , , , , , , | Related | June 7, 2018

With my mother, it’s a tradition that there is an orange at the bottom of our Christmas stockings to let us know we’ve reached the end. I’m just starting to get old enough to suspect Santa isn’t real. Thinking how clever I am, I tell my mother that I want a pineapple instead of an orange. When I come down the stairs on Christmas, it’s obvious that there’s not a pineapple in my stocking.

Feeling smug, I pull out all the little gifts inside, but when I get to where the orange should have been, I feel something cold and metallic. Confused, I pull the item out, and find myself holding a can of pineapple chunks.

I outgrew Santa not long after that, anyway, but it’s still one of my favorite Christmas stories.

Unfiltered Story #107413

, , , | Unfiltered | March 20, 2018

(I just got done ringing up the order of a presumably Mexican man and on my next customer, a black woman. My guess is that she heard me struggling to understand his order due to his thick accent and got impatient.)

Customer: “He needs to learn how to speak English, especially if he wants to live here.”

Me: “Well, he ordered in English.”

Customer: “Better English.”

You Say Stromboni, I Say “What?”

, , , , , , | Right | January 31, 2018

(I work as a cashier and bartender. One of my duties is answering the phone and taking to-go orders. As we do not have to-go menus, people frequently call with questions about items and pricing.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Give me a stromboni.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: *yelling at child in background* “I need one of those stromboni things! I know y’all got ’em.”

(I realize they are mispronouncing “stromboli,” which we don’t serve, and confusing it with a calzone.)

Me: “Oh! Of course! Which one would you like?”

Customer: *baby screaming into phone* “What’s in the pepperoni and cheese stromboni?”

Me: *holding the phone as far away from my ear as possible* “Uh, pepperoni and cheese.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, give me the sausage and cheese one.” *screaming child still in background*

Me: “Okay! Would you like anything else today?”

Customer: “Naw, that’s it.”

Me: “Okay, cool.” *reads back the order, gives the total, gets the name, and ends the call*

(The customer shows up.)

Customer: “I told you I wanted the d*** pepperoni stromboni!”

(Telling my boss about it later…)

Boss: “I hate people.”

It’s Not The Dressing That Needs Addressing

, , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(I am the assistant manager at a local restaurant, and I hear this exchange between a customer and one of my servers.)

Server: “How is everything?”

Customer: “I don’t like my salad.”

Server: “I’m sorry. What is it about the salad you don’t like?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t like kale.”

(The customer ordered a kale and beet salad, which is mostly kale, as described on the menu.)

Come Out With The Weirdest Stuff

, , , , | Related | June 12, 2017

Back when I was 18 or 19, I went to visit my Opa (it’s German for grandfather).

Whenever I used the word “stuff,” he’d admonish me, and say that I should use “things” instead.

One evening as we finished dinner, I leaned back, patted my stomach, and said,

“That was good, but man, am I thinged.”

I absolutely deserved the smack upside the head I got.