You Are What You Eat

, , , , , | Related | December 1, 2018

(Overheard between a customer and her approximately ten-year-old child:)

Child: “Mom, can we get some Nerds?”

Customer: “You are a nerd, my love.”

(She let him get the Nerds.)

Paperclipped Their Wings

, , , , , | Friendly | September 8, 2018

(I’m a cashier at a retail chain; this location is inside a mall. One day, a couple of kids, looking around 12 years old, approach my cash register. They hold up a paperclip and explain that they’re trying to replicate the famous “one red paperclip” experiment, in which you start out with a small, low-value object, such as a paperclip, and try to obtain something of much higher value through a series of barters. They ask if there’s anything in the store I can give them in exchange for the paperclip.)

Me: “Um… no, I can’t take a paperclip as payment. I don’t think there’s any store here that will.”

(They thank me and leave. Their speech sounded rehearsed and they didn’t look discouraged in the least, so I assume that they have already tried other stores in the mall and have every intention of trying more. The next customer in line comes to the counter.)

Customer: “Well, that was… bold.”

(I’ve actually always wanted to try this experiment myself, and the original “one red paperclip” experiment is possibly older than those kids are, so I’m rather impressed that they’ve heard of it and that they had the initiative to go for it. I guess they didn’t understand that you trade the items with people, and not stores. I wish I could track them down and find out if their experiment got anywhere!)

Nothing Says Christmas Like Tropical Fruit

, , , , , , , | Related | June 7, 2018

With my mother, it’s a tradition that there is an orange at the bottom of our Christmas stockings to let us know we’ve reached the end. I’m just starting to get old enough to suspect Santa isn’t real. Thinking how clever I am, I tell my mother that I want a pineapple instead of an orange. When I come down the stairs on Christmas, it’s obvious that there’s not a pineapple in my stocking.

Feeling smug, I pull out all the little gifts inside, but when I get to where the orange should have been, I feel something cold and metallic. Confused, I pull the item out, and find myself holding a can of pineapple chunks.

I outgrew Santa not long after that, anyway, but it’s still one of my favorite Christmas stories.

Unfiltered Story #107413

, , , | Unfiltered | March 20, 2018

(I just got done ringing up the order of a presumably Mexican man and on my next customer, a black woman. My guess is that she heard me struggling to understand his order due to his thick accent and got impatient.)

Customer: “He needs to learn how to speak English, especially if he wants to live here.”

Me: “Well, he ordered in English.”

Customer: “Better English.”

You Say Stromboni, I Say “What?”

, , , , , , | Right | January 31, 2018

(I work as a cashier and bartender. One of my duties is answering the phone and taking to-go orders. As we do not have to-go menus, people frequently call with questions about items and pricing.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Give me a stromboni.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: *yelling at child in background* “I need one of those stromboni things! I know y’all got ’em.”

(I realize they are mispronouncing “stromboli,” which we don’t serve, and confusing it with a calzone.)

Me: “Oh! Of course! Which one would you like?”

Customer: *baby screaming into phone* “What’s in the pepperoni and cheese stromboni?”

Me: *holding the phone as far away from my ear as possible* “Uh, pepperoni and cheese.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, give me the sausage and cheese one.” *screaming child still in background*

Me: “Okay! Would you like anything else today?”

Customer: “Naw, that’s it.”

Me: “Okay, cool.” *reads back the order, gives the total, gets the name, and ends the call*

(The customer shows up.)

Customer: “I told you I wanted the d*** pepperoni stromboni!”

(Telling my boss about it later…)

Boss: “I hate people.”

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