(After our wedding, my brother drives my wife and me to the airport to begin our honeymoon. All the way there, I can tell there is something on his mind, but he keeps quiet. As he is helping us with the bags, I realize he is trying to find some suitably delicate way of asking my wife if she had kept her maiden name, or taken mine.)

Brother: “So, are you properly ‘Mrs. [family name]’ now?”

Wife: *totally misunderstanding* “No, we didn’t have time for that. We hadn’t finished packing!”

(Our flight has been delayed, so my husband and I have spent six hours together in an airline club lounge. We are alternating between silliness and grumpiness to cope with the boredom.)

Husband: “So, do you want to join the no-mile high club?”

Me: “Not with you.”

(I am doing a pat down on an older woman in a wheelchair. As I clear each area, I’m letting the woman know that I am moving to a new area. Fairly quickly, it becomes obvious that the woman is intoxicated.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’m going to clear your back now.”

Woman: *throws her arms out and says quite loudly* “Honey, I’m loaded! You can do whatever you want to me!”

(Note: my job at the airport is to give information to tourists as a courtesy.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “How do I get to New Orleans from here?”

Me: “You’ll need to take a flight. It’s on the other side of the country.”

Customer: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “Yes, it’s in Louisiana.”

Customer: *getting mad* “Well, I’m from Houston and I’d be pretty pi$$ed off if I went all this way for nothing!”

Me: “Wait… if you wanted to go to New Orleans, why did you take a plane to Los Angeles?”

Customer: “Because I’ve been wanting to visit my old pen pal for a while to surprise him. Every time I send him a letter, I write ‘New Orleans, LA’ on the envelope. That’s L.A.! That’s where I am, and I know you’re lying!”

(I am on my way home. My dad drops me at the airport. After going through security, I text him to tell him my flight’s on time.)

Dad: “How were the security lines?”

Me: “Not bad. I went through the full-body scanner!”

Dad: “Did they see your ‘vee jay’?”

Me: “DAD!”

Dad: “What?”