Say My Name, Say My Name… Or I’ll Make It Your Problem

My boss refuses to learn my new name after my transition, or use my correct gender. I have been at this office for a while, so of course, it’s natural for my coworkers to slip up occasionally and use my old name and pronouns a few times, and when it’s an honest mistake, it’s really no big deal!

But my boss intentionally refuses to get it right, and every time I correct him, he says things like:

Boss: “Ah, I’m old! It takes me a while!”

Or:

Boss: “We just didn’t have this thing back in my day!”

One day, over a YEAR after my transition, he makes this mistake again in a meeting in front of everyone.

Boss: “So, [Dead Name] can work on this project, and she can—”

Me: “Actually, it’s [My Name], and I am a he.”

Boss: “Gah! You know who I meant.”

Me: “Human Resources, my paycheck, and my personnel file all list my name and gender correctly. Please stop intentionally getting it wrong, or I am going to file a grievance.”

Boss: “God, you sensitive millennials these days. Anyway, about the project—”

He carries on like nothing has gone wrong. Eventually, he sends out the minutes from the meeting to everyone in a group email. While I am correctly CC’d into the email — so he DOES know my name! — the project is assigned to my deadname.

I email him back.

Me: “I just want to double-check that the project has been assigned to [Dead Name]? And not [My Name]?”

I get no response from this email — admittedly, [Boss] does get a lot of them and many go unanswered, which I know — so I just go about my business.

Two weeks later, everyone is in another team meeting.

Boss: “Also, [Dead Name], how are things coming along with [project]?”

I just sit there, happily looking at my notes and graphs from my other work tasks.

Boss: “[Dead Name]?”

Crickets.

Boss: *Sighs* “Fine. [My Name], how are things coming along with [project]?”

Me: “How would I know?”

Boss: “What do you mean? That was assigned to you two weeks ago?”

Me: “No, it wasn’t.”

Boss: “Yes, it was! I sent out the email!”

Me: “I don’t recall seeing an email where I was assigned to work on [project].”

He loads up the email from his laptop, which is currently being screen-shared on the big TV in the meeting room.

Boss: “There! It’s been assigned to you!”

Me: “I can see that the work was assigned to someone called [Dead Name]. I just assumed you’d hired a new worker with that name.”

Boss: *Realizing what I am doing* “Okay, very funny. You’ve made your point. But seriously, how are things coming along with the project?”

Me: “I don’t think you’re getting it. I wasn’t assigned to work on the project, so I have no idea why you’re asking me.”

Boss: “Are you seriously telling me nothing has been done?!”

Me: “I haven’t a clue! Why don’t you ask [Dead Name]? Where are they?”

Boss: “That project needs to be presented to the board in two days!”

Me: “Well then, [Dead Name] had better get to work!”

My boss tried to raise a disciplinary complaint against me, but as his only evidence was an email assigning the project to someone who disn’t exist, and I had evidence of my email asking him to confirm if he’d made a mistake (which was still unread), HR said I had done nothing wrong.

My boss ended up working for forty hours in two days to get the project work done on time, and he hasn’t used my incorrect name or pronoun ever since.

He still makes bigoted little micro-aggressive comments here or there, but he’s retiring at the end of the year, and honestly, he’s not worth my time.