(It’s a cold night, and the bar is pretty empty as people have been advised to stay inside. One customer is at the bar, and it appears he’s been there for some time.)

Customer: “I’ll take a scotch, a beer, and a shot of gin!”

Bartender: “Um… how about we just start with the beer?”

Customer: “How about you start to shut up?”

Bartender: “If you can’t act straight, you ain’t gettin’ served.”

Customer: “Start with the beer.”

Bartender: “Okay, thank you, sir.”

(It’s my girlfriend’s 21st birthday, so to celebrate I’ve taken her to a very expensive dinner. Part way into our meal two women who are very obviously drunk are seated next to us. The meal has ten courses, each with its own alcoholic accompaniment, and despite complaints from other customers about how loud and obnoxious the women have been the wait-staff are not allowed to stop serving them.)

Me: *to our server* “Is there any way you could at least water down their drinks? I can’t even hear [Girlfriend] from across the table!”

Server: “I’m really sorry; we aren’t allowed to say anything. I’ve already apologized to the other guests. Since you’re a guest you can say something if you want.”

(15 minutes later, after the women have finished bickering loudly about one of their exes and throwing their unfinished plates to the end of the table one of their cell phones goes off.)

Drunk Woman #1: “OH, MY GOD! YOU HAVE TO ANSWER IT! YOU’RE BEING RUDE!”

Me: *after finally having enough* “YOU ARE IN A $200 DOLLAR A PLATE RESTAURANT. IF YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE TRASH GO TO A TRASHY FAST FOOD PLACE!”

Drunk Woman #2: “Trash? Did she just call me trash?!”

(A manager rushes over to their table:)

Manager: “Ladies I’m sorry, but since you have done nothing but cause a disturbance since you arrived I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Drunk Woman #1: “We didn’t cause a disturbance. That fat b**** over there yelled at us for no reason! My father is going to deal with you!”

Manager: “Unfortunately, you need to leave.”

Drunk Woman #2: “OH, MY GOD! WE DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING! WE’RE NEVER COMING HERE AGAIN!”

(After they left the manager came over and offered us both a complimentary cocktail and a thank you!)

(I work as a call taker for a local police department. I overhear the following from a coworker speaking to a man who calls in a regular basis.)

Coworker: “Okay, John, I see that you were arrested a few days ago for filing a false report. Now, if there is no crime being committed this time, you will be in trouble again.”

(I tune my coworker out while working on gathering information for other calls until I hear this part.)

Coworker: “How was someone able to steal your wallet and keys in the middle of the night when those were inside the pillow you were sleeping on?” *pause* “How did they get in and get your stuff if you were sleeping on it?” *longer pause* “They have magical powers? Is that what you want me to tell the officers?”

(Later my coworker told everyone at that point, the caller had been silent for a little while, and then said he didn’t want to get in trouble.)

Coworker: “Okay, but you want me to send officers to you? And that’s what you want me to tell them? That someone stole your keys and wallet by using magical powers? All right. I will let them know.”

(It turns out that the caller had called in every day after he was arrested, reporting different matters. Those were handled as callback reports, which take a couple of days, so the police didn’t make the connection. No such luck this time!)

(A man comes shopping with his adorable five year old daughter, and this happens as I’m serving him. Note: For those who don’t know, “cheerios” is a common name for cocktail frankfurts, which kids love.)

Customer: “I’ll have 250g of that ham, please.”

(The whole time I’m weighing and wrapping, his daughter is trying to get his attention.)

Daughter: “Daaad. Dad. Cheerios, dad. Daaaaad…”

Me: *hands over item* “Anything else?”

Daughter: “Cheerios?”

Customer: *smiling but still ignoring her* “Also a half kilo of chicken thighs.”

Daughter: *hands on hips, looking at her father, but it was clear that she wanted me to hear her words* “Daddy, did you say CHEERIOS?”

Me: *as I weigh and wrap* “She has the most adorable little attitude. Anything else?”

Customer: “And a half kilo of cheerios… I’m going to have to watch out for her when she’s older, she’s too cute to say no to!”

Me: “I think she knows it, too!”

(The girl took the cheerios from me with a smug grin.)

(I’m working registers at the moment which also means I’m in charge of answering the phones; I’m certified throughout the store, so usually I don’t even have to transfer the call. Note, we are a just a pet store, not a specialty vet. This transpires one day:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I think my hamster might be injured. My son put him in a hamster ball, and then the ball slipped and hit the floor. The hamster just kinda stayed in one position for a minute or two, like he was dead and didn’t look like he was breathing. Then we flipped him over and he moved a little bit so we can see he’s breathing, but he hasn’t moved since. What would you do?”

Me: “Well, if I was in your position, I’d bring him straight to the vet; we use [Local Vet] because they specialize in small animals.”

Caller: “Sooo… do I bring him, or do you?”

Me: “You would take him.”

(The customer still didn’t seem all that concerned that her son may have caused a serious injury to his pet.)

This story is part of our Hamsters Roundup!

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