(I’m the bad guy here. This happens in a science museum in Edinburgh that’s quite interactive and popular for young children, which I visit with my fiancée. We approach a large screen with an animated palaeontologist character standing idly. I look up and see a small sensor above the screen, and a marked floor area, and realise it’s an interactive display. It’s the middle of the week and we are the only ones in the exhibit.)

Display: “Hi there, are you having fun today?”

Me: “F*** off, witch.”

(I turn to walk on.)

Display: “Well, that was unexpected.”

(We stop and look back.)

Me: “What?”

Display: “I’ve never had anyone swear at me before!”

(Actually panicking now.)

Me: “Wait, you’re REAL?”

Display: “Yep, and quite surprised!”

(Turned out there was a staff member assigned to the screen and the sensor was a camera. She was quite forgiving and informative, but it was quite funny watching as people behind us ignored the screen and she started throwing sarcastic comments out to try and get their attention!)

(The following calls are all in a row at the very beginning of my shift. Caller #1 is very elderly lady, #2 is middle aged lady, #3 is young man.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #1: “MIKE?! Is that you? MIKE?!”

Me: “This is the operator; can you give me the last name of the patient?”

Caller #1: “I need Mike. Put Mike on the phone!”

(The caller then hangs up. I answer the next call:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #2: “Yes, could you please look out your window and tell me the name of the foot doctor across the street?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t have a window in my office. Do you know the name of the doctor you are looking for? I could look it up on the Internet.”

Caller #2: “No, I don’t know his name. That is why I’m calling you. Could the security guard go outside and see if he can find a foot doctor over there.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but they are all patrolling the hospital and they wouldn’t be able to leave the property.”

(The caller then hangs up. I answer the next call:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #1: “Why do you keep answering the phone? I am trying to talk to my husband, Mike! Put him on the phone!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What is your husband’s last name?”

Caller #1: “Do you not have sense?”

(The caller then hangs up. I answer the next call:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #3: “Can you help me? I can’t find my walis eefus.”

Me: “I’m sorry; are you looking for a patient?”

Caller #3: “No! I lost my walis effus getting out of the car and I thought someone turned them in.”

Me: “I’m not understanding. What did you lose? Can you spell that for me?”

Caller #3: “My walisssssssssssss eeeeeeefussssssssss! You know… my W-I-R-E-L-E-S-S … E-A-R-P-H-O-N-E-S!”

Me: “Let me put you through to lost and found.”

(I transfer the caller. I answer the next call:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #1: “MIKE?!”

Me: “…”

(I work in the book department of a thrift store.)

Customer: “Do you have ‘Eleven Shades of Grey’?”

Me: “Right here, and it comes with thirty-nine more shades free!”

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(Customer has come in to order very expensive, custom business cards. She has a file, in PDF format, that a designer has clearly set up for her. The cards are quoted and a proof is printed and signed off on. This is the exchange after her cards are completed.)

Me: “Here you go, [Customer]. The cards turned out great.”

Customer: “Oooh, there is a mistake.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but the mistake is there on the proof, which you signed off on.”

Customer: “Well, I won’t accept these.”

Me: “[Customer], the file you brought and signed off on is exactly what is on the card.”

Customer: “I don’t care. The font is all wrong. I don’t like the way it looks on the card. I won’t pay for them.”

(The customer has already paid for them, using her credit card and accepted our policy by approving the proof, but this happens from time to time, so we have a policy for this exact situation.)

Me: “The only thing I would be able to do is rerun them at a very minor discount, but you would still need to pay for these cards.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Why should I pay for your mistake?”

Owner: “Can I help you?”

Me: *explains situation, including the discount part, with the customer arguing and being rude the entire time*

Owner: “Well, that is all we can do. You ordered a gold embossed card on a very expensive stock with a custom die-cut. Even at cost, these are expensive business cards.”

Customer: “I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS!”

Owner: “Doesn’t matter. You either take them or you don’t. Either way, you still have to pay for them. Any error is your error. You had a designer provide you the file, which you provided to us. We could not have changed it.”

Customer: *throws cards on the floor* “This isn’t over.”

(She was right, it wasn’t over. She called the police and reported us for credit card fraud. We explained the situation to them. They laughed at her. She disputed the transaction with her credit card company and won. Apparently our signed proof with our policy wasn’t enough. She went out of business a few months later.)

(I am one of the customers in this story. I’m waiting behind an elderly gentleman at the customer service counter, to pick up something I ordered online. As I’m watching him, he has a monitor but nothing else on the counter, and I’m bracing for a long wait as I fear he’s about to complain about the ‘computer.’ Sure enough…)

Elderly Gentleman: “This piece of trash isn’t working! It has too many cords and when I plug it into the wall it just says something some stupid signal cable.”

Cashier: “Did you plug it up to the computer tower?”

Elderly Gentleman: “What the f*** do you mean ‘computer tower.’ This is the computer!”

Cashier: “No, sir, this is just a monitor.”

Elderly Gentleman: *suddenly yelling* “NO, THAT’S THE COMPUTER! YOU A**HOLES ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO SELLING ME S*** I DON’T NEED LIKE THE BIG BOX.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, but this just allows you to be able to see what you are telling the comp—”

Elderly Gentleman: “JUST GET ME THE F****** REFUND ALREADY!”

Cashier: Do you have the box it came in?”

Elderly Gentleman: “NO!”

Cashier: “Then, I cannot do that. I’m s—”

Elderly Gentleman: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER!”

Cashier: *on the overhead* “[Manager] to Customer Service. [Manager] to Customer Service.”

(Seeing no way around this, I decide to try something that helped my granny understand the basics of the computer.)

Me: “Um… excuse me.”

Elderly Gentleman: “WAIT YOUR TURN!”

Me: “I’m actually wanting to help with you something.”

Elderly Gentleman: *scoffing* “Oh, really, like you could.”

Me: “Listen, I know your problem. My grandmother had the same thing.”

Elderly Gentleman: “Oh, did she now. These a**holes trying get her to buy more than she needed and selling junk?”

Me: “No, sir, she didn’t understand how it worked. You see a computer is a little like a TV: If you get a TV by itself, no converter box, no cable, no nothing, what do you usually get?”

Elderly Gentleman: “Snow.”

(At this point another employee arrives.)

Me: “Right, now when you add a cable box to it what do you get?”

(At this point, I can see the gears turning in his mind.)

Elderly Gentleman: “You get the channels and shows?”

Me: “Yes. Now replace the TV with this—” *I point to the monitor* “—and the cable box with the ‘big box’ and you have the similar thing.”

Elderly Gentleman: “But why the h*** are the big boxes so d*** much?”

Me: “Because they are more than just a receiver. They can also connect to other big boxes, they can play CDs, and do other things. Plus the big boxes are able to be used to do more than up, down, left, and right.”

Elderly Gentleman: “Oh! Hang on? The black boxes connecting to others, is that what that blue ‘E’ is for?”

(I nod as I realize a third employee join the group along with others, making me a little nervous. Thankfully the third employee starts to take over, keeping up with my comparisons. When I start to turn to the cashier and the second employee…)

Me: “Ummm… sorry… about that. Though, I’m here to pick up an order.”

(I show them my ID and order # but find that I’ve been handed a gift card, too.)

Me: “I didn’t ask for a card.”

Employee #2: “No, take it, and please fill out an application online. Include [Manager] in the notes. We’ve been needing help with exactly what you did.”

Me: “Thanks, but no thanks on the gift card. I will, however, do the application.”

(I did get hired on a few weeks later and have been commended on my ways to help customers understand computers. Though, that elderly gentleman is still my top customer.)