(I’m the closing manager for a craft store and one of my cashiers calls me to the front. A woman with a baby carriage is attempting to return a collection of high-priced marker sets without a receipt or the original card. I’ve seen this enough to know that she’s stolen these sets and wants the cash. I explain the store policy and refuse most of the return, only allowing about $42. Without a security team, there’s not much else I can do. After following her around the store for about three hours, she comes up to the till.)

Me: “Oh, did you find everything you need? Oops, there’s a marker set on the bottom of the carriage. Let me get that for you.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you! I forgot I put it down there.”

Me: “Of course! Looks like some items slipped under this bag. Let me get this out of the way so you can grab the other items.”

(She purchased about a third of the items, $42 worth, from the carriage and swiftly left the store. The remainder, including what I pulled from under the carriage? About 250 dollars worth of various marker sets and small items. Huh. Glad for the confirmation about that earlier return! I personally thanked all my employees and passed along a note to the head manager.)

I work at a software company doing tech support for specialized software used by county mental health clinics to do their client and accounting tracking.

We have a client call us, asking for help installing MS Word. I explained that we didn’t support it, that they didn’t pay us to support it, and that she should call a PC support company.

She whined that she didn’t know any, and we should do it. We ended up sending one of our programmers, at $90 an hour (in 1992) to feed 30 diskettes into ONE machine whenever it asked for one.

(I’m one of the sales guys at a caravan dealership. A customer asks me for a part exchange value on his caravan against a new one.)

Customer: “It’s absolutely pristine! Like new.”

Me: “Okay, as you don’t have the caravan with you, I can give you a value by asking you some questions on an appraisal questionnaire we have.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(There are lots of questions on the form but I’ll cut to the most entertaining ones.)

Me: “How are the windows? Any cracks? Scratches?”

Customer: “No, no… Oh, one of the front ones has a stone chip hole in it.”

Me: “Okay, how about the furniture inside? Tables, work surfaces all okay?”

Customer: “Yes, all good… Oh, the work surface has a dent in it.”

Me: “Okay, how about the tyres? Are they less than five years old?”

Customer: “I’m not prepared to answer that.”

Me: “Why? They have a date code so we can check them.”

Customer: “Are the tyres on the caravans you sell less than five years old?”

Me: “Yes. If they are older we change them for new ones before we sell the caravan.”

Customer: “Oh, right, do you? Well I’m not prepared to say.”

Me: “Okay, has your caravan been serviced recently?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you know when it was last serviced?”

Customer: “When we bought it.”

Me: “When was that?”

Customer: “2012.”

Me: “Okay, based on what you’ve told me, your caravan would have a trade in value of £[amount].”

Customer: “What!? That’s nowhere near enough! It’s pristine!”

(My family is having a garage sale. I’m in my early teens, and I’ve decided to part with a collection of plastic horses. A very old woman hobbles around, looking at all of the toys, before stopping in front of my horses.)

Old Woman: “Oh, these are perfect! I’ve been looking for something for my granddaughter’s birthday, and I know she would love these! She’s always loved horses.”

Me: “I’m sure she will! How old is your granddaughter?”

(She and I chat for a little bit, and I like this grandmother more and more with everything she says. She’s clearly very sincere about wanting something special for her granddaughter. When she asks the price for the collection, I decide to sell them for less than I’d planned.)

Old Woman: “Thank you so much! I just need to run to my car to get my purse.”

(I wait by the horses while she hobbles back to her car. While she’s looking for her purse, a younger woman pulls up to the house, jumps out of her car, and starts snatching up armfuls of anything that looks like it’s in good condition. She comes up to the toy table and reaches for my horses.)

Me: “Oh, sorry, but someone already claimed these.”

Young Woman: “Well, I’m going to buy them.”

Me: “I’m selling them to that woman over there. She’s just getting her purse.”

(The woman looks around and sees the old woman coming back. She lowers her voice and acts all sneaky about it.)

Young Woman: “She hasn’t paid for them yet, so they’re still up for grabs! Quick! Give them to me!”

Me: “No. These are mine to sell and I’m giving them to her. Sorry. My sister has some other toys over there you can look at.”

Young Woman: *catching a glimpse of something she likes at my sister’s table* “Ugh. Fine. Your loss.” *she leaves and begins snatching up more things seemingly at random*

(I might not have made as much money as I could have, but seeing the older woman so happy with her gift for her granddaughter makes me smile even now years later.)

This story is part of our Garage Sale roundup!

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(I’m working the Reference Desk at my local library. We often get questions from people asking for local phone numbers, addresses, etc., along with the general library questions. Calls like this one, where an elderly patron can’t find a number in their phone book, are very common.)

Me: “[Library], Information Services. This is [My Name].”

Patron: “Uh, I couldn’t find a local business in the phone book. Do you by chance have it in your Google book?”

(The patron is audible, but is slightly hard to hear because her television is so loud that I can clearly hear everything and identify the game show she is watching.)

Me: “I can definitely see if I can find it online for you. What business are you looking for?”

Patron: “Oh, dear… Uh… It was a local discount store…” *incoherent mumbling while [Game Show] is coming through more clearly than she is* “Oh! It’s [Dollar Store #1]! I want the one on [Boulevard I’m unfamiliar with].”

Me: “Sure thing! Let me check if it’s listed.” *pulls up all the listings for [Dollar Store #1]* “Ma’am, I don’t see one on [Boulevard], and I’m also not too familiar with it. Do any of these locations sound nearby?” *lists the locations*

Patron: *suddenly turns mean* “YOU’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT! It’s on [Boulevard]! You’re supposed to know it and have it in your Google!” *continues ranting*

Me: *trying to avoid just hanging up on her, I suddenly realize there are two different dollar store chains in the city* “Uh, ma’am? Ma’am? Did you by chance mean [Dollar Store #2]? I just looked it up and there’s one on [Boulevard].”

Patron: *another mood flip* “Oh? Maybe. I forgot there were two of them. I’m sorry… Is it by [Department Store]?” *clearly very embarrassed*

Me: “Yes. That’s coming up on the map. Is this what you needed the phone number for?”

Patron: “Yes, and would you mind speaking up? I can’t hear you over my television. What’s the phone number?”

Me: *can’t really speak up, or else I would be shouting* “The number is…” *starts slowly giving the phone number*

(I end up having to repeat the phone number at least ten times. She keeps making up numbers and thinking that some are doubled up. Eventually:)

Me: “Ma’am? I’m just going to start over and give you the number slowly. That way we know that no one is losing their place. All right?”

Patron: “All right. What is it?”

(I slowly give the number, pausing a second between numbers. Right after the area code and first three digits…)

Patron: “Oh, hold on, honey. Would you mind waiting while I go find a pen and paper? I’m not going to remember this whole thing. That’s why I kept getting mixed up!”