Me: *walking by a customer looking morosely at the milk* “Can I help you, miss?”

Customer: *sniffs* “I’m sorry. It’s just sad so many cows had to die for us.”

Me: *not clocking on* “Of course. I’ll just leave you to grieve.”

(I walk away and am about halfway down the aisle when I realise.)

Me: “WAIT!” *sprinting back to the customer* “That’s not blood; it’s milk!”

Customer: *bug-eyed* “I thought milk was blood?”

Me: “No, it’s like breast milk. Cow’s blood is red like ours.”

(The woman had quite a headlights moment before actually wetting herself. I’m not sure which I’m more affected by: the fact this woman wet herself upon realising we didn’t slaughter cows en masse to consume their blood, or that this adult woman had gone through her entire life up until then believing milk was actually blood.)

(A man walks up to my counter with several expensive pairs of dress pants and shirts in one hand, and his phone plastered to his ear, talking a mile a minute.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir! Did you find everything you need?”

(The customer ignores me as he dumps his clothes on the counter.)

Customer: “Anyway so this guy is demanding [large amount] for the Lexus and I’m like, ‘yeah, no way,’ so I…”

(I start ringing him up as he continues to chatter.)

Me: “Okay, do you have your store card with you today?”

(The customer gives me a sour look and points to his phone, apparently upset I’m daring to interrupt his call.)

Customer: “So anyway, I told him he was either going to agree to [larger amount] or he was going to go back to his office empty handed and…”

Me: “Ooookay then.” *I finish ringing up his items* “Your total is [amount].”

(Now the customer just flat out ignores me.)

Customer: “And he said, ‘No, any 2016 Lexus model is worth [smaller amount] as a minimum, and I said ‘Yeah, not when I’m the one buying it, buddy!'”

Me: “Sir, your total is…”

(The man points to his phone again and silently tells me to be quiet.)

Me: “Sir, there’s a line forming behind you. I need you to please—”

Customer: “Hey, do you mind? I’m in the middle of a conversation here!” *goes back to his call* “So I told him, ‘You want me to drive off in this car today? You agree to accept $$$ and not one cent more!’”

(The line behind this guy starts getting restless.)

Me: “Sir, your total is [amount]. Will that be cash, check, or card?”

(The customer just turns away and keeps nattering.)

Customer: “So finally the guy stops being a d*** and accepts my price. Hard won privilege but for a new Lexus it was worth it.”

(I turn as something catches my eye outside the store.)

Me: “Sir, by any chance is that Lexus you’re talking about a [model]?”

Customer: “Huh? Yeah, it is.”

Me: “So it’s that one that’s now being ticketed outside?”

(The man follows my gaze, and is horrified to see a police officer is indeed standing by his car writing a ticket.)

Customer: “What the f***! I thought I still had time on the meter!” *turns to me* “How much for the clothes? And be quick about it!”

Me: “It’s [amount].”

(He pays, snatches the clothes up from the counter, and runs for the door.)

Customer In Line: “Wow, funny how karma always knows just the right moment to strike.”

Me: “It gets even better.” *the man reaches the door, and promptly gets stopped by our security guard as the alarms go off* “He didn’t give me a chance to remove the anti-theft tags.”

(I work in a coffee bar for an anchor store at a local mall. The coffee bar opens up into the mall hallway and not the store itself. My manager and I are working away, Manager at the register, while I make drinks, when a customer comes up to the bar with a lost kid who is three to four years old. My manager calls security and the kid is escorted to our customer service department until they can figure out where his mom is. Minutes later, a panicky lady is up at the bar and the following exchange occurs between my manager and the lady.)

Manager: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Lady: “I lost my son and I need coffee right now!”

Manager: “Little boy about three or four?”

Lady: “Yes. I need a [fancy latte of some sort].”

Manager: “Your son was take to our customer service department, and is waiting there for you.”

(The lady thinks my manager is being sarcastic. I have no idea how.)

Lady: “I guess I’m just a horrible mother!”

(The lady proceeded to storm off, away from the store, and away from her lost son. Really makes you question her priorities. My kid is lost/kidnapped. Better stop for coffee!)

Customer: “Is this water?”

Cashier: “No, that’s vodka.”

Customer: “Oh.” *puts back the bottle and picks up another* “Is this water?”

Cashier: “No, that’s also vodka. Water is the next aisle over.”

Customer: “Oh.” *puts down the bottle, walks halfway down the aisle and picks up a bottle of whiskey* “Is this water?”

Cashier: “Miss, that aisle only has alcohol. Water is in the next aisle over.”

(I continue with my shopping and check out. As I’m leaving I hear “£35 for water?!” I turn around to see the woman with a large expensive looking bottle of brandy on the counter.)

Cashier: “This doesn’t even look like water!”

Woman: “It isn’t water?”

Cashier: “No… it’s brandy — alcohol.”

Woman: “So you don’t sell water? What shop doesn’t sell water?!” *leaves in a huff*

Cashier: *after checking her watch* “It’s too early for this…”

(I sell auto insurance for one of the major US companies. We sell policies directly though the company or through a network of local agents. This customer calls for a quote over the phone, and as part of the triage it’s verified that the customer can pay over the phone with a checking account or major credit card. He states that he can, but he normally only deals in cash. I try to refer him to an agent in his area who can provide a quote and would be able to accept a cash payment, but he declines the referral even after I’ve explained that a payment will need to be made over the phone or online if he wants to purchase insurance from me. I’ve completed the quote and the customer indicates he wants to buy the policy. The customer has been using profanities liberally and was pretty uncooperative in providing information necessary to properly complete the quote throughout the call, so I should have seen this coming, although he’d been fairly civil until…)

Me: “Would you like to make the payment with a card or your checking account?”

Customer: “Cash. I only pay with cash.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I have no way to accept a cash payment over the phone; you can use a card, including a pre-paid card if necessary, or a check. Which will you be using?”

Customer: “You useless piece of dirt b*****! Why didn’t you tell me you won’t take cash? I don’t have a checking account or a credit card; they are of the devil, just like you, and I’m sure as h*** not going to give someone my money to get an evil pre-paid chunk of fire and damnation! What a f*****g waste of time and breath this has been!”

Me: “…”