(My daughter has been a lot into philosophy lately. We’re discussing this at the dinner table.)

Daughter: *finishing her point* “…and that is why we can’t tell the difference between good and evil.”

Me: “You should study philosophy when you go to university. You’d be good at it.”

Daughter: “No, I don’t want to. I prefer maths. Anyway, I don’t want to learn what other people think. I want to think by myself.”

Me: “I’m sure you could still learn a lot from people like Plato and Aristotle.”

Daughter: “But Mum, I’ve already learnt from them. Now I’m thinking beyond them!”

(My brother, my uncle, and I are watching the season finale of ‘Once Upon a Time’. The character is fighting a dragon. My mother in the background.)

Brother: “…and then she brings out the gun.”

Uncle: “In reality, bullets wouldn’t work against a dragon. Their scales are too tough.”

Me: “Wait, if flying metal won’t work, what use is a sword?”

Uncle: “If the sword has the prime of strength from the warrior, and is pointed directly at the dragon’s neck or heart, it will kill it.”

Brother: “Why wouldn’t it work with bullets?”

Uncle: “The velocity would be ruined. The bullets wouldn’t be powerful if shot from a distance.”

Me: “But would it work at close range?”

Uncle: “Sure, but you would have to get the dragon down to your level, somehow.”

Mom: “While you are all discussing the physics of reality, you do realize she’s fighting a dragon, a mythological creature?”

All three of us: “Shut up.”

(Me, my parents and my boyfriend are sitting in the living room talking. My dad and my boyfriend Jeremy like a lot of the same things.)

Me: *to my mom* “It’s almost scary how alike dad and Jeremy are, isn’t it?”

Mom: “Yeah, it is.”

Dad: *to me* “Oh, honey. I just realized something. You can’t date Jeremy.”

Me: “Why not, dad?”

Dad: “Because he’s my illegitimate son.”

(We all laugh, knowing that he’s joking.)

Me: *to Jeremy* “Honey, I will never be able to sleep next to you in bed again without thinking about that.”

Dad: “Now that’s good birth control.”

(My sister and I share a car and to save on gas we plan to go places together. I work long shifts. We have planned a grocery trip, but I want to take a nap first.)

Me: “Will you still be here when I wake up?”

Sister: “What time are you going to wake up?”

Me: “I don’t know. Noon, maybe one.”

Sister: “I should still be here.”

Me: “You’d better be here or I’ll hunt you down and rip your fallopian tubes out through your belly button with a tiny robot arm!”

Sister: “Will you at least give me anaesthetic?”

Me: “No, no anaesthetic.”

(We gather to watch a horror movie on Halloween. My five-year-old cousin wants to watch.)

Uncle: “All right, you can watch some. But when it gets too scary you’ll have to leave, okay?”

Cousin: “Okay.”

(One minute in, it’s only been showing a spooky-looking house. Suddenly, a car horn blares outside in real life.)

Cousin: *emits a bloodcurdling scream and hides among pillows*

Uncle: “Okay, I don’t think you’re watching this anymore.”

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