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Guilty, Yet Guiltless

, , , , | Legal Right | July 1, 2009

Me: “Hi, is [Customer] there?”

Customer: “This is him.”

Me: “Hi, [Customer]. I’m calling about your order.”

Customer: “Oh, great! What do you need?”

Me: “Well, sir, you, unfortunately, forgot to sign both your money orders.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “We can’t cash them if they’re not signed. They’re like checks that way.”

Customer: “So? When that happens, you should just sign it for us. You must write checks to yourselves for customers all the time.”

Me: “No, sir, that’s called fraud.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So… that’s illegal.”

Customer: “So?”

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Pink

, , , , , , | Right | June 28, 2010

(I get a call from a client about a wedding package I am designing.)

Me: “Hello! Have you finalized your color scheme?”

Client: “Well, no.” *begins sobbing* “We had a fight, and I called off the wedding. I don’t need the invitations.”

Me: “Ah. I’m very sorry to hear this, ma’am. I’ll waive my fees. Don’t worry about paying me.”

Client: “No, I’ll pay for your work. I was wondering if you could change the text, though.”

Me: “To what?”

Client: “It has to say ‘You’re Invited To [Ex-Fiance’s] Funeral.’ And I’m thinking a hideously bright pink.”


This story is part of the Artists-Versus-Clients roundup!

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Read the Artists-Versus-Clients roundup!


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The Cuss-tomer Is Always Right

| Right | June 26, 2012

(A mother storms into our day camp. She’s holding her five-year-old son by the arm.)

Mom: “My son said the F-word last night after coming home from YOUR day camp. I will NOT have a bunch of unprofessional teenagers setting bad examples for my child!”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am. I have no idea which employee could have said that, but I will definitely call a meeting with all of our counselors to discuss this.”

Mom: “Yeah, you’d better. I should have all of you fired, really!”

(She turns to leave, but as she walks away she drops her sunglasses.)

Mom: “Oh, f***!”

Cinnamon Never Tasted So Bitter

, , , | Right | May 22, 2010

(I work at a grocery store where our policy is to take a customer to the aisle of the item they are looking for instead of just telling them the aisle number.)

Customer: “Um, excuse me! Where do you keep your cinnamon?”

Me: “It’s in the baking aisle. If you follow me, I can take you over to the right aisle.”

Customer: “No. Can’t you just tell me where it is? I’m sick of you people. All I want to do is buy my groceries and you all keep saying hello to me and smiling at me! Where’s the d*** aisle?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, cinnamon is located in aisle eight.”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager. You people are too f****** cheerful. I can’t stand it!”


This story is part of the complaining customer roundup!

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The Downers Of Up-Selling

| Right | October 18, 2012

(At the ferry terminal where I work, we have a discount card. When loaded with money, it will give you a substantial discount when customers use it to pay for a ticket.  I don’t usually mention it because all the local commuters know about it, but when they are paying for 4 or more people at a time, it is actually cheaper to buy the card than to pay the usual price.)

Me: “Hello! How many of you are traveling today?”

Customer: “Five of us and the car.”

Me: Great! Hey, would you like to save some money today? We have this card and—”

Customer: “No! No card! Don’t sell me anything!”

Me: “I understand, sir. But if you load $95 on this card, it’s actually cheaper than the $120 dollars I will be charging you normally. You see it’s a discount card and-”

Customer: “No! I said no! Don’t you people listen? Always trying to sell me crap. Just give me a ticket!”

Me: “Okay then. That will be $120 instead of the $95 for a ticket. No problem.”

Customer’s Wife: “What?!” *smacks husband’s arm and glares* “Will you listen to her?”

Customer: *sheepishly* “Oh… uh… wait. Maybe we will take that card thing.”

Me: “Right away, sir…”