(My husband and I are on our way home from the grocery store. I’m driving because he’s exhausted, and it’s been a long day for both of us. There are two cars ahead of us at the intersection who are taking their sweet time turning, even though they have the right of way and the space.)

Me: *starts singing* Would you please go? I would like to go home, so I can take off this stupid bra…
Husband: *starts laughing*
Me: What?

(He couldn’t stop laughing for almost twenty minutes.)

At the time of writing, I’ve been at this job for a little under a year. I’m still relatively new to the workforce, as I’ve only been employed for four years or so, and this is the third job I’ve worked. The other two held to an interesting pattern… when I quit my first job, the store manager (my primary reason for quitting) got transferred and demoted just a few days later. I ended up getting fired from my second job, for failing to meet the criteria of a training program that was *very* poorly laid out, and a few weeks later, that place went out of business.

Then I got to this third job, in an employee-owned retail store. Part of the arrangement involved retirement benefits and stock, so naturally, this was covered in the training segment. After training, I explained this to a friend (who was also aware of how the above jobs had panned out), which prompted her to note that *this* company had it figured out, by showing me what the retirement plan was going to look like.

(My dad is barely technology literate and is a die hard classical rock fan who generally can’t stand country. While I’m no techie, I can use sites like YouTube with relative ease and my music tastes are more varied. I am listening to a video featuring Luke Bryan’s song, “Play It Again.” set to a mixture of clips; I’m not playing it as part of a playlist.)
Dad: You see; that’s the problem with streaming music. You run the risk of getting stuff like this.
Me: I’m listening to it on purpose; I like this song.
Dad: You’re serious? Ugh; hopefully I’m not around next time it comes up on rotation.
(I didn’t have the heart to tell him it wasn’t on a playlist.)

When I am 14 years old, I catch a very nasty bout of head lice. No idea how I got them. I was fine before spring break and had creepy crawlers at the end of it. I get treatment and seem lice-free, but the pharmacist advises me to keep some distance or inform others, just to be sure. So, here I go, back to school… Having to tell my 3 friends I had head lice…

Me: So, ehm… During spring break… I had some head lice and the pharmacist…

One friend immediately does three steps back. The other two:

Friend 1: Oh man, that sucks!

Friend 2: Did you have to get that nasty shampoo? Man, I can still smell that stuff from when I had lice in kindergarten!

My friends just continue talking, while friend #3 excuses herself. In class, she suddenly sits far away from the 3 of us.

After class, the class bully suddenly comes to me when I get my bike.

Bully: Hey, is it true? Did you get head lice?

I already knew who spilled the beans. Thanks, ex-friend #3!

Me: Eh, yeah…

Bully: That sucks! I never imagined anyone of our age getting it, especially you, considering you’re such a loner and all.

Thanks, I guess?

Bully: But they are gone now, right? Good. Man, just looking at you gives me the shivers. I mean, I look great if I shave my head but you? Nah, you’d look ugly as heck. Glad you don’t have to shave.

It was weird, but I felt more comforted by the class bully than my so-called friend. Nobody else ever mentioned it again and no one else treated me different. Well, except that one ex-friend, but she was the class bully’s target for a week or two after spring break.

When I was 17 my Dads brother (my uncle) died of cancer. My uncle was a very social guy and knew almost everyone in his community. My Dad is three years older than my uncle, so they have some classmates in common.
*my Dads classmate comes to my dad in the line of relatives at the wake
My Dad: hi (classmate) how are you?
Classmate: Good…
my Dad: So (classmate) what have been up to in the 35 years since high school?
Classmate: I went to college and now I’m an accountant for (company). And you?
My dad: I went to college, got married and had two kids (motioning to my sister and I).
Classmate: Someone actually married you and you had spawn?
This left my Dad speechless and even after 10 years we still laugh at how much of an immature ahole this guy was to my dad at a wake.