(My aunt is from a small village, married at young age, and looks younger than me even though she is seven years older. She has two sons, aged three and ten. She is about to get her first smartphone and I accompany her and her sons to buy it at our local store. We have just checked some phones and I try to explain to her some features. A young male employee approaches us.)

Employee: “Hi, young lady!” *smiles at my aunt* “We have the newest advanced smartphones that will make your classmates envy, just right here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I think we are fine.”

Employee: *completely ignoring me* “Look at this new smartphone.” *points to the most expensive phone in the store*  “You even can play YouTube in HD without need to wait for the buffer.”

(I giggle, since I know my aunt doesn’t even understand what YouTube, HD, or buffer are. And his explanation is still incorrect since that all depends on the connection speed.)

My Aunt: “I’m so sorry; I think I’m fine with my niece. Thank you.”

(At the same time one of my cousin runs to my aunt and call her ‘Mommy.’)

Employee: *wide his mouth for seconds then scream* “WHAT THE H*** IS GOING ON HERE? DON’T LIE TO ME! GIRLS AT YOUR AGE CAN’T HAVE A NIECE AND CHILD YET!”

(Due to his loud voice, my cousin starts crying and my aunt carries him to outside the store.)

Me: *looking furiously at the employee* “What the h*** are you talking about?!”

Employee: “DON’T LIE TO ME! I GOOGLE EVERYTHING! I KNOW GIRLS AT HER AGE CAN’T HAVE A NIECE AND CHILD!”

(This time, one of the other coworkers finally comes over, and seems to want to try to cool the situation, but I am too angry.)

Me: “This is the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard.” *to his coworker* “Please inform this to your higher-ups, and don’t let this stupidity ruin your store image.” *to the employee* “I don’t know what else to say, except maybe don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!”

Me: “How can I help?”

Customer: “I need to buy a computer. I don’t want you to sell me insurance or anything else, just the computer.”

Me: “What will you be using it for?”

Customer: “I need to use ‘The Google,’ and some word processing. I’ve been told by my technical friend it needs two ‘tetrabites’ and at least eight ‘jiggabites.'”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “I think you mean terabytes and gigabytes.”

Customer: “Yes, I am well aware of what I need.”

Me: “For the things you are using it for, I don’t think you will need those specifications. You might end up spending a lot of money and not make full advantage of the machine. You could get a cheaper machine and spend more money on attachments.”

Customer: “No, I know what I need; my friend told me.”

Me: *politely* “Is your friend a technician?”

Customer: “No, he’s a decorator.”

Me: “Right.” *shows customer to a computer that matches her specifications, priced £899*

Customer: “That’s too expensive. I was hoping to spend £150 – £200.”

Me: “We have nothing that cheap. The lowest priced and most basic laptops start at £350.”

(The customer walked off, whilst muttering how customer service was terrible.)

(I am teaching a guy in his sixties or so how to use the Internet.)

Customer: “So… I can search for… anything?”

Me: “Anything.”

Customer: “And this will just find it for me?”

Me: “Yup.”

(We search for a baseball score, find it, and go back to Google. He clicks on the search bar again and “baseball scores” comes up.)

Customer: “Oh, it keeps a list?”

Me: “Yeah, so it’s easier to find the stuff you like next time.”

Customer: *disheartened* “Can I get rid of that? You know, like if I… you know… buy my wife a present or something and don’t want her to know about it?”

Me: “Yeah, just click on ‘Reset Safari,’ and it will delete any evidence of what you searched.”

(The guy is clearly dumbfounded at the world of opportunities now available to him.)

Customer: “You just saved my marriage.”

(Enjoy your p*rn, sir.)

Me: “Hey, my name is [My Name]; what can I do for you?”

Old Man: “My great-grandson was telling me about this really neat thing on his computer. I would like to buy it.”

Me: “So your nephew has this ‘thing’… what does it do?”

Old Man: “Well, he was showing me videos and we played a few puzzles. I was also able to check my lottery numbers.”

Me: “Oh, the Internet… You’re just looking to hook up the Internet in your house?”

Old Man: “Yes, I would like to buy the Internet.”

Me: “Um, well, you don’t purchase the actual Internet. It’s kinda like paying your phone bill. You pay them and they give you phone services.”

Old Man: “I know how a telephone works! Would you like to make some commission on this Internet sale or should I take my business elsewhere?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. You need to call [list of providers], and they will come to hook up your Internet. It’s not a physical thing.”

Old Man: “I am writing to the Better Business Bureau and reporting this incident to your manager. I know what the internet is; Walmart has it! I’m going to take my purchase to them!”

Retail:
He Wants The Google
She Uses The Google