No Title We Write Could Prepare You For What’s To Come

I was working in a “cafe and beer hall by day, club by night” in a major European city a couple of years ago. This was one of the most notable quotes from a guest I have heard in my career.

The main character in this story — let’s call him “Jerry” — came in one day to unload and have a couple of beers (not in my section, thank the gods). At first glance, I was not sure if Jerry was a transient on the verge of being cut off or a backpacker who forgot what an “inside voice” should sound like. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed the latter, but out of caution, I made a mental note to watch for drama.

After about half a beer, Jerry struck up a conversation with another equally boisterous guest and joined him. The two had another round, then another… and then Jerry started to hit on another guest two tables over — as in, shouting at the poor stranger from six metres away. She was awkwardly amused. I was not.

At that point, I had the floor manager speak with the backpackers and tell them to mind themselves.

About fifteen minutes later, I had not heard anything else happen… until Jerry nonchalantly returned to the table and was approached by the floor manager, and I heard Jerry YELL loudly enough to be heard throughout the 200-seat establishment.

Jerry: “You’re telling me you are kicking me out for washing my d**k in the sink?!”

For context, our toilets were unisex stalls and a bank of urinals behind a row of sinks in public view. Jerry had come from the urinal and, according to another traumatized guest, had proceeded to give himself a quick “bird bath” next to other patrons exhibiting proper hygiene.

I had not been paying these guests any further attention until I heard — once more, for the people in the back — “YOU’RE telling ME you are KICKING ME OUT for washing my D**K in the SINK?!”

There was a short exchange between Jerry and the floor manager before Jerry left in a huff, leaving me with that phrase forever emblazoned in my head.