(My wife and I are out shopping with a friend, and have just arrived at our destination. My wife is currently on a restricted diet and cannot eat foods containing milk.)

Me: “So where next? [Shop] or food?”

Wife: “I’d say food; [friend] hasn’t had anything to eat today apart from that giant chocolate chip cookie.”

Me: *in Cookie monster’s voice* “Mmm, cookie…”

(I start trying to eat my wife’s head.)

Me: “Om nom nom nom!”

Wife: “I AM NOT A COOKIE!”

Me: “You’re small and sweet—”

Wife: “BUT NOT FULL OF CHOCOLATE!”

(My wife realises what she has just said, and suddenly looks miserable.)

Friend & Me: “Aww!”

(I am in a long distance relationship with a girl I had met three years prior, but we have just started dating. It is four months into the relationship, when I get a text from her.)

Girlfriend: “Baby, I love you, but I’m not being fair to you. We need to talk. Our lack of a physical relationship has made me be unfaithful to you.”

Me: “So you want to break it off?”

Girlfriend: “No, I know you’re the one for me.”

(Five months later…)

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry, but with my jobs I don’t have time for you anymore.”

(Three months later, my now ex-girlfriend messages me on Facebook.)

Ex-Girlfriend: “I’M PREGNANT!”

(Five years later, the latter four of which I have heard NOTHING from her…)

Ex-Girlfriend: “So, I made a big mistake. My husband treats me pretty badly and I want to leave him. You were always the one that got away. Want to be a stepdad?”

(I’m a regular at a fast food restaurant. The current cashier has only been working for a few weeks, and appears to be the only cashier on duty. While waiting in line to order, the customer in front of me has constantly been yelling at the cashier.)

Cashier: “Okay, so that’s a #5 meal with extra sauce, a medium drink, and a milkshake.”

Customer: “NO, NO, NO! I SAID A #7 WITH NO SAUCE! GOD, ARE YOU DEAF YOU STUPID B****?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. Let me fix that for you.”

Customer: “No! You’re too stupid to do anything right. Go get me your manager, unless you think you’re gonna f*** that up too!”

(The cashier is speechless and begins crying. Having had enough, I decide to intervene.)

Me: “Hey! Calm down. She’s doing the best she can. There’s no need to call her names.”

(The customer turns around to look at me. He’s clearly taller than me and stomps towards me.)

Customer: “Shut the f*** up, kid. Didn’t anyone teach you to respect a grown-up?”

Me: “I was actually taught to give respect until they show they don’t deserve it. And you, sir, clearly don’t deserve it.”

Customer: “Didn’t I tell you to shut up?”

(He begins cracking his knuckles in front of me to intimidate me. I remain un-phased.)

Me: “Then allow me to say this: apologize to my girlfriend, else one of us will be leaving with broken bones.”

(I take a step back and position myself into a fighting stance. The customer begins having second thoughts. He quickly turns around, apologizes to the cashier, and runs out.)

Cashier: “I… I didn’t know that—”

Me: “I don’t, but it’s still funny tricking people to think that I can fight.”

Cashier: “No… I mean I didn’t know that I had a boyfriend.”

(I ended up buying her lunch for what she went through. We’ve been dating ever since!)

(We’re at home, watching ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ while my boyfriend is clicking around on the computer, setting me up with Netflix.)

Me: “Honey?

Boyfriend: “Yes?”

Me: “Do you know this eCard? It’s naming ‘Netflix, Oreos and Sweatpants’ as a relationship status.”

Boyfriend: “Not until now, but I love it already.”

Me: “We are now in a polyamorus relationship with Netflix.”

(I like to listen to my iPod frequently. I listen to a wide variety of music including soft piano music, jazz, and heavy metal. My mother doesn’t like me listening to heavy metal, but she hasn’t forbidden me from buying CDs or from listening to the music. I’m folding the laundry while listening to some jazz. My mother is on the other side of the room.)

Mother: “I wish you wouldn’t listen to that metal stuff; it’s so loud I can hear it over here!”

(I shrug in confusion, but don’t say anything. A few days later I’m reading a book in the living room while listening to soft piano music. My mother walks past.)

Mother: “That metal stuff is really bad for your ears; if I can hear it from the other room then it’s too loud and you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 40.”

(I pull out my headphones so that the soft piano music comes out of the small speaker.)

Me: “Really?”

Mother: “You just switched that over!”

(A few days after that while listening to jazz again, my father asks to borrow my iPod to take a picture. I unplug the iPod leaving the headphones in my ears knowing it won’t take long. My mother walks past while Dad’s still taking the photo.)

Mother: “Now [My Name], I’m really concerned about the disregard over your own health. I can hear your head banging music from the other room; it is so loud it is making me lose my concentration.”

Dad: “Um… [Mother’s Name]…”

(Both my mother and I turn to look at my dad, and he’s waving my iPod in front of us.)

Dad: “What music was she listening to?”

Mother: “Um…”